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Original poster

Something weird has happened - online dating

75 replies

Jenasaurus · 29/12/2018 19:11

I joined OK Cupid a few years ago, since then ive been in a long distance relationship with someone I met locally who since moved to a city 3 hours away. We meet up once every 4-5 weeks and normally message daily. He told me in the past he discovered my online dating profile and also went through my FB messages. These were in the past and we moved on. Now this Christmas, he is away with his family (he has 4 grown up children from his past marriage and they take it in turns seeing them). He has rented a cottage in the country and I have had a lovely Christmas with my own 3 grown up children at home. He wished me a happy Christmas on Christmas day but then no messages, I assumed no wifi or access to internet etc, or he was enjoying time with his family, which I thought was lovely but half an hour ago I got an email saying I had a match and message on OKCupid, I was surprised as hadn't used it in ages, clicked and then spotted a message sent by me at 20 past 6 tonight to this guy! which he has responded to...now I am scared, either I have a split persona and my alter ego sent the message, or its him and the lack of messages from him this Christmas takes on a more sinister form. He is meant to be seeing me tomorrow but I am worried he will be odd, he is mainly lovely but has a strange obsessive streak and his marriage fell apart because he read her diary and behaved very strangely (he admitted this) otherwise if its not him sending the fake messages from me on the site is there something else dodgy going on, quite worried to be honest

OP posts:

Original poster

Jenasaurus · 30/12/2018 09:36

KingLooieCatz - I thought exactly the same about the dress, its a way of saying "look your still fat"

Loads of people think he is wonderful though. In a lot of ways he is too. He looked after his mother, brought her to live near him when she was at the end of her life when his own DB and DS were not helping out, he also is always asked to do speeches at weddings, funerals etc by friends and family. He is currently helping his friends mum get over her husbands bereavement. He is good to his children and took on his late mums cat when no one would have her. Little things but they are the bits that kept me loving him

OP posts:

jinglewithbellson · 30/12/2018 09:56

Mmm all the public displays of niceness are hiding that spiteful and controlling side.
Men like that find it hard to keep up the pretence permanently sonthr mask slips every now and then and then they do something amazingly wonderful which makes the bad shit pale into significance.

In my line of work I've come across many of these characters in all forms.

Walk away op

GinIsIn · 30/12/2018 12:46

WAKE UP. He IS the other bloke. He set up a fake profile and sent himself a message from your profile to test if you were active and would be drawn in. He’s testing you somehow and it’s fucked up.

Interested in this thread?

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General relationships

Original poster

Jenasaurus · 30/12/2018 13:09

I hadn't even considered that FenellaMaxwellsPony that scares me as its seriously odd behaviour. I am off out now, but thank you for all the replies.

OP posts:

GinIsIn · 30/12/2018 13:11

It’s astonishingly common behaviour sadly. Please be careful.

Original poster

Jenasaurus · 02/01/2019 08:22

He called me last night just to wish a happy new year and a general call, no mention of this at all, very strange, cant work out whether that means he wasn't involved or makes it more likely, not that it matters.

He spent most of the conversation telling me how wonderful other females think he is! He was telling me about perfume he bought for his DD and then said "all the women in my office think I smell lovely in my aftershave"...err ok. Then he was telling me about a friends son who is looking for a surrogate to have a baby for them (he is in a same sex marriage)...he decided to say that if was ever to be a sperm donor he wouldn't use AI and instead a drop dead gorgeous girl! Continuing on with the conversation to be polite and steer away from this topic he then told me about how when choosing the perfume all the female staff in the shop kept him talking for 2 hours and gave him prosecco, then he mentioned his DD's BF family, he met for the first time, that the female friends of the DD in the family back from Uni wanted to socialise with him and didn't want him to leave! Now he is just an average 57 year old man, not George Clooney or Johnny Depp, why did he think saying how lovely all these females think he is would impress me.

Anyway I have ended the conversation wishing him a happy new year and will never know if that was indeed him who hacked my OLD account. Time to cut the ties and move on

OP posts:

GodknowsIwanttobreakfree · 02/01/2019 08:26

He thinks highly of himself doesn’t he? Would seriously put me off.

GinIsIn · 02/01/2019 08:27

Oh I think you know. What a weirdo!!

Original poster

Jenasaurus · 02/01/2019 08:31

I think in hindsight his comments about other women is a sign of his own insecurity "look at all these women that find me irresistible, your so lucky to have me" kind of way

OP posts:

Original poster

Jenasaurus · 02/01/2019 08:33

Actually he did say that once, not quite those words but along those lines, when he was telling me how much women adore him he said "I am loved by so many people, as soon as they meet me they love me, but I chose you"...I thought he was joking at the time. :)

OP posts:

youarenotkiddingme · 02/01/2019 08:44

I think you do need to move on.

The whole (lovely) email you sent him is very apologetic.

You deserve someone that likes you for you and encourages you to be you. Who gives you confidence to be you and say what you like.

MrsFoxPlus4 · 02/01/2019 08:49

I don’t understand why you think you could have sent the messages and forgot. That’s weird, what’s made you have this thought process? There’s so many red flags this guy sounds odd!

E20mom · 02/01/2019 08:55

Every now and then I read a thread and think the OP sounds really lovely. This is one of them. You deserve much better.

Given his out of control ego I'd just tell him you're no longer attracted to him and won't be in contact again. Leave it at that and just don't reply to further contact.

MistressDeeCee · 02/01/2019 09:02

This isn't a relationship. You only see each other occasionally, it seems he can go awol and you can't even contact him directly - do you not phone each other? how can a man be your 'partner' if you have to contact him via email?!

All this thought effort dissecting over some occasional bloke who seems to have gone off grid to be with his wife and family anyway... is it really worth it?

A game player he may be, but as for obsessive I don't know about that as he doesn't seem much bothered about being near you, much less seeing what you're up to right now.

The whole situation is weird and if it's not suiting you then you'd best just get rid. Proper relationships where everyone knows where they stand and actually spend regular quality time together are far better.

Perfectly1mperfect · 02/01/2019 09:03

I have actually felt sick reading your last few posts. It's frightening that people like him exist. He's a weirdo and you deserve much, much better. Keep well away from him.

UnicornSlaughters · 02/01/2019 09:10

He sounds like such a weirdo. I also think he was testing you with a fake profile to see if you'd bite. I'm glad you've seen him for who he really is.

KiteMarked · 02/01/2019 09:16

Please break up with him. The more you post, the more concerning this is. If you were my DM, I'd say the same.

SummerStrong · 02/01/2019 09:21

He sounds very insecure and like he has narcissistic tendencies. I have no doubt it was him who hacked your OLD profile.

I think he has sensed you backing away (becoming a little more sceptic of him?) and his insecure side is now showing more. (Hacking your OLD was quite a risky move, and he was bound to get caught but couldn't help himself anyway)

You sound lovely OP, and you really deserve better. Please be careful when you end things, as people like him tend to turn quite mean and nasty.

It is also a good idea to change all your passwords and check your security settings on all your accounts and social media etc. Does he have a key to your home?

PorridgeIsYummy · 02/01/2019 09:29

OP, your story has creeped me out. Something similar happen to me once - I used to see this highly intelligent man and he was heartbroken when I finished things with him. He also thought he was this superior being, what with his high profile job and all the rest. He took the break up very badly and one of the many weird and bizarre things he did was to create an online dating profile impersonating me. This profile was hideous, basically inviting men to have sex with me; it was just awful. He was also irrationally jealous and I am certain he was mentally ill.

What you describe reminds me of him. I would advise you to cool things off and see how he reacts; if he overreacts irrationally please let him go.

Hope all goes well, OP.

PorridgeIsYummy · 02/01/2019 09:43

I thought I would add up that this man could be very nice and selfless, he presented himself as someone with the highest moral standards and so on - a bit like your man.

Impersonating someone in a dating site is not normal behaviour. Do you feel slightly sick in the stomach when you think of him now? Then please listen to your instinct.

Eatmycheese · 02/01/2019 09:53

@FenellaMaxwellsPony that was my first thought to.

@Jenasaurus the back fat comment is vile.

bobstersmum · 02/01/2019 10:00

I've just read the full thread and I'm scared for you op! He sounds utterly bonkers. Tell your family this whole story and I think it might be sensible to log it with someone official too, no idea who though but just to get it out there that he's one to watch.

Hezz · 02/01/2019 11:43

If he was a chocolate he'd eat himself.

Onwards and upwards 😊

Cuttingthegrass · 02/01/2019 12:04

@Hezz

Original poster

Jenasaurus · 02/01/2019 12:22

Thank you for all the responses. Its helped reading everyone's thoughts on his comments as he has made me feel that I am overeacting at times but some of the things he has said to me are completely unacceptable, I see that now, 2019 is going to be good I can feel it, even if I am single at least I am not single but tied to an absent abusive man! :)

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