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Original poster

Something weird has happened - online dating

75 replies

Jenasaurus · 29/12/2018 19:11

I joined OK Cupid a few years ago, since then ive been in a long distance relationship with someone I met locally who since moved to a city 3 hours away. We meet up once every 4-5 weeks and normally message daily. He told me in the past he discovered my online dating profile and also went through my FB messages. These were in the past and we moved on. Now this Christmas, he is away with his family (he has 4 grown up children from his past marriage and they take it in turns seeing them). He has rented a cottage in the country and I have had a lovely Christmas with my own 3 grown up children at home. He wished me a happy Christmas on Christmas day but then no messages, I assumed no wifi or access to internet etc, or he was enjoying time with his family, which I thought was lovely but half an hour ago I got an email saying I had a match and message on OKCupid, I was surprised as hadn't used it in ages, clicked and then spotted a message sent by me at 20 past 6 tonight to this guy! which he has responded to...now I am scared, either I have a split persona and my alter ego sent the message, or its him and the lack of messages from him this Christmas takes on a more sinister form. He is meant to be seeing me tomorrow but I am worried he will be odd, he is mainly lovely but has a strange obsessive streak and his marriage fell apart because he read her diary and behaved very strangely (he admitted this) otherwise if its not him sending the fake messages from me on the site is there something else dodgy going on, quite worried to be honest

OP posts:
silkpyjamasallday · 30/12/2018 08:07

There's no doubt in my mind from what you've said about him that it was him sending the messages probably in an attempt to gaslight you, and he has already got you doubting yourself so it's worked. He's a nasty piece of work. And you say he read your Facebook messages before, how did he have access? Run as fast as you can. It's telling that you are worried about his reaction, you shouldn't feel like that in a loving relationship, walking on eggshells isn't normal. A long distance relationship with a controlling creep isn't worth it, dump him and build your self esteem back up so you don't end up with another nasty weirdo

purpleelk · 30/12/2018 08:22

So your password on the website wasn’t changed? And only a single email was sent to one man, who just happened to reply? Did you check all activity on the site stats, go through your own internet history, etc?

I don’t understand how he got in, unless you have passwords saved and it was from your own pc/phone/tablet.

And if a hacker, why hack an account of a middle aged woman and contact only one person? Wouldn’t you maximise your catfishing by picking someone young and emailing 100 people a similar “hi” message to see who bit the bait?!

Wynden · 30/12/2018 08:24

Did you change your passwords from the last time he went through your profile and fb messages?

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General relationships
bifflediffle · 30/12/2018 08:28

Why are you still with him after he went through your messages?

LetBartletBeBartlet · 30/12/2018 08:30

If your phone isn't working, and ypu can't receive calls or texts, how are you certain that he hasn't been in touch?

Original poster
Jenasaurus · 30/12/2018 08:33

ok, so had a reply from him just now, a nice friendly email saying what a lovely time he had, detailing his walks, pub visits etc and then at then end (BTW it aint me) so I am guessing it wasn't him as he seems to have had a busy week, to be honest he loves spending time with his 4 grown up children and I was surprised he would have taken time out to send this message it all seems so odd, so I don't think it was him. I am relieved as his tone was upbeat and although he didn't acknowledge my comments regarding having plans and not to come to see me, I hope that means he has registered that I am not free now and goes home instead of to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jenasaurus · 30/12/2018 08:35

I think my thoughts on this are more telling about me than him, 2019 needs to be a new start as a single woman :)

OP posts:
PattiStanger · 30/12/2018 08:36

Have you let someone irl know about this? Id suggest going out is better than hiding and not answering the door if he turns up

bifflediffle · 30/12/2018 08:36

How do you know he hasn’t been in touch if your phone isn’t working?🤷‍♀️

CircleofWillis · 30/12/2018 08:44

Could one of your grown up children have sent the message as a prank?

tinesltitties · 30/12/2018 08:49

Well of course he is going to say it wasn't him Hmm

He sounds awful tbh, he has already done a number on you. Best thing you could do is simply end it.

Original poster
Jenasaurus · 30/12/2018 08:54

He was aware my phone wasn't working, we tend to use Skype and email or FB call to contact each other as my mobile has been dodgy for a while (was hoping to sort out a new one in the sales)

OP posts:
sackrifice · 30/12/2018 08:55

If a friend said to me that someone had sent a message from their account and was it me, I'd say 'fucking hell, you've been hacked - change all your passwords immediately'...not [BTW it wasn't me]...so casually...

Thespace · 30/12/2018 08:55

Does he know your passwords?

Original poster
Jenasaurus · 30/12/2018 08:56

Thanks for your comments and replies, I agree he has done a number on me, if not now, definitely in the past, hence suspecting it could be him. I am going out today now, my DS and his GF have invited me out to eat with his GF DM so a nice day out and away from any prospective unwanted callers

OP posts:
Original poster
Jenasaurus · 30/12/2018 08:59

I used his Laptop once and left myself logged in to my FB and Outlook, hence him accessing my messages but I have no idea about the OKCupid site as I wasn't using it and haven't since meeting him. I think he may have guessed my passwords. I deleted the dating profile now so that's gone and have changed all other passwords. I had nothing to hide and didn't worry about him seeing anything but now I am more wary, lesson learned

OP posts:
Alanamackree · 30/12/2018 09:05

I think my thoughts on this are more telling about me than him, 2019 needs to be a new start as a single woman smile

^
This

Whether or not he hacked your profile is not really the point. The fact that you suspected him immediately and the feelings of anxiety and fear that arose in you are telling you the things that your conscious, rational (and polite) mind cannot. Listen to your gut carefully.

It really sounds like you need to set your sights a lot higher (I mean that very kindly)

Olddognewtricks2019 · 30/12/2018 09:18

OP if you’re nervous about opening the door to him, regardless of whether he’s hacked you or not, that’s all you need to know. Good luck in 2019Flowers

Original poster
Jenasaurus · 30/12/2018 09:19

Thank you Alanamackree I understand what you are saying and agree, my relationship with him developed as we both lonely after long term relationships had ended and in the beginning it was lovely and filled a need for both of us. He started by what I now realise was love bombing and then he started to chip away and erode my confidence. Everyone else saw it but me. My grown up children in particular had issues with the things he said to me. One comment he made when he initially moved away (for work) was, when I was losing weight, he said "if you do lose weight I may not be able to leave you" now I am a size 10 and feeling more confident about my appearance having lost just over 3 stone, his more recent comment, he bought me a lovely dress from Monsoon that was a size 8 so still too small for me, I have a largish bust, so I said I will get a larger size as I don't think I can diet and lose that bit, to which he said "No its not your bust, you have too much back fat" - This isn't true which my DD had oddly enough said to me "mum, you have no back fat at all" - she mentioned this on our recent holiday in admiration of me in my new swimsuit, a week later and he said I had loads of back fat which is why the dress didn't fit! I said to him, even if that was the case could he not have said it in a kinder way, eg "The dress is too small because you still have curves" or even, "I will get you the next size up" there was no need to be so rude and I know it was done to keep me feeling unattractive and insecure.

OP posts:
PerverseConverse · 30/12/2018 09:21

In the kindest possible way stop being so naive and set your standards above ground level. Why on earth would you carry on seeing a man who has told you he is obsessive and controlling Confused why didn't you ditch him after the first breach of privacy with your messages? Why haven't you contacted OKC to say what's happened? You seem very laid back and oh we'll about all this? Surely you're not that desperate to put up with this from someone?

PerverseConverse · 30/12/2018 09:25

Cross posted and OMG at your latest post! Please never have anything to do with him again and have a look at the freedom programme.

wowfudge · 30/12/2018 09:27

OP - ditch this man. He doesn't like women. He is a creepy, nasty piece of work.

I can't say it any plainer. You are worth more. You need to overhaul your online security pronto too.

Original poster
Jenasaurus · 30/12/2018 09:29

PerveseConverse I have reported it to OKCupid and also deleted my profile. OlD isn't for me, I am too shy to take the step from chatting to meeting so wont use it again. I get what your saying about putting up with his controlling behaviour but I didn't notice it in the beginning and then I fell in love with him and also being 53 and lonely, not making excuses but I just wanted to spend time with someone, holidays, etc have what others have. My EX before him, I was with for 28 years and when that ended, leaving me in 50k of debt and feeling so low I considered the unspeakable. This current man called himself my angel that saved me...but he really just created a new problem, I see that now

OP posts:
KingLooieCatz · 30/12/2018 09:30

I reckon he intentionally bought a dress for you that he knew would be too small. Further, I reckon at 57 he is well practised at disguising his nastiness and destroying a woman's self esteem. Please stick to your guns and move on.

tinesltitties · 30/12/2018 09:35

This current man called himself my angel that saved me

Oh FFS.

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