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Original poster

I need to tell him, right?

38 replies

HaudYerWheestHen · 29/12/2018 02:30

I came off birth control earlier this year for couple of months for some medical tests and decided not to go back on. I'm 37, have 3 wonderful kids and have been responsible for BC all my life. It's been me taking the pills, getting the mood swings, the weight gain, the bad skin, the hellish period migraines and all those other fun but acceptable side effects (as long as it only happens to us women) and DH has had to take no responsibility at all.

I want another child and he doesn't. Okay. That means I don't get another. The no parent wins. Fine. It's not my decision.

He's an amazing man. A loving, generous husband and fantastic father. But he won't get the snip. He also doesn't like condoms,

Sooo he gets frisky. Hey, I like it too, I'm game. But here's the bit that concerns me. He doesn't suit up. He's decided pulling out will be his BC and (tmi alert!) it's last second and I mean LAST second

He's a fully functioning adult male who took the same biology classes we all did. I'm not saying no condom, no sex because he's the one that doesn't want another child, not me. We all know what withdrawal method means. I may as well call it TTC. So what's my next step? Will an unplanned pregnancy be my fault now? He knows what we're doing.

Do I need to go back on BC? The period migraines are agony. I'm finally beginning to lose the weight. I'm free of those effing pills.

OP posts:
adayatthebeach · 29/12/2018 02:34

Explain the rythum method to him and leave it in his court. If he wants to avoid a pregnancy let him take part in knowing your furtual days.

adayatthebeach · 29/12/2018 02:35

Sorry fertile

Singlenotsingle · 29/12/2018 02:39

So he doesn't want to be responsible for any form of birth control? But he does want to enjoy his fun? I would say it's down to him then if you get pregnant. You've got 3 dc already so he knows where they come from! Before you know it, you'll be like that Sud Radcliffe who's just had baby number 21!

Although...I suppose you could go for sterilization yourself but it's a much bigger operation for a woman. And why should you?

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RagingWhoreBag · 29/12/2018 02:42

Don’t want to piss on your parade but we’ve used pulling out for 6 years and not got pregnant, so it can be an effective method of BC. I know there are plenty of examples where it didn’t work, but the same is true of coils, condoms (DS1 Blush ) and the pill, nothing except total abstinence or potentially sterilisation (although even then...!) is 100%

Tell him it’s his responsibility and that if you do get pregnant from his withdrawal method you’ll be happily going ahead with the pregnancy so if he’s adamant he doesn’t want another he needs to step up BC-wise.

Original poster
HaudYerWheestHen · 29/12/2018 02:54

Although...I suppose you could go for sterilization yourself but it's a much bigger operation for a woman. And why should you?

Yep I think that too so that's definitely not on the cards. I've been through enough. Pregnancy, labour and birth four times with my DH. I've done my bit. And by my reckoning, probably taken over 4000 pills in the years I've been with him. It's his turn..

OP posts:
mirren3 · 29/12/2018 03:01

I know you've done all the BC up to now, but have you thought about the implant?
Any of my friends who use it have not had a period or any of the usual period symptoms.
I know it's not what you asked, but I thought it might help.

Purpleartichoke · 29/12/2018 03:58

Hormonal birth control is awful. Taking it should only be up to the woman and there should be no pressure to do so. Barrier methods are available.

I would have a conversation and let him know that if you get pregnant, you won’t be terminating. After that, the two of you need to decide on a method together. The obvious choice is condoms, but he could always go for a more permanent option.

BumbleBeee69 · 29/12/2018 04:02

He needs to sort himself out OP.

mortifiedmama · 29/12/2018 08:35

I'd just explain like you have here, leave it to him to decide and be very clear that if you get pregnant it's both your 'fault' and you will be having the baby.

He can then make an informed decision as to whether to continue.

IVEgottheJINGLEBELLS · 29/12/2018 08:40

Op i could have written your post

Im now on cd37 and avoiding poas ...

Karigan195 · 29/12/2018 08:41

Had to laugh at this as currently 5 weeks pregnant using the being careful in fertile times approach however we had been trying for a baby for over a year and only stopped because I had an illness that’s better now. Not signed off medically yet so was supposed to be being ‘careful’ but that didn’t work so well.

IVEgottheJINGLEBELLS · 29/12/2018 08:57

karigan if i am pg i could be around 5 weeks too!

MrsJane · 29/12/2018 09:08

I think you need explain to him very clearly and tell him you will not be taking responsibility for any more BC. It's definitely his turn!

When I turned 35, I couldn't take the pill anymore and I didn't get on with the mini pill. DH was adamant he didn't want any more dc so we used condoms for a year then he took himself to the clinic and got the snip.

The least he could do after years of me being on the pill (which never agreed with me) and two difficult births!

Karigan195 · 29/12/2018 09:23

You need to pee on a stick Jingle :)

I’m still slightly in shock but gradually happy excitement is replacing it.

Yohooo · 29/12/2018 10:27

I disagree with most of the other posters and think it's a huge mistake to risk getting accidentally pregnant when he doesn't want another child. That doesn't mean that you need to take responsibility for BC but it does mean you shouldn't have sex with him unless he wears a condom. You KNOW that it's extremely risky to let him wait to the very last second....

What wouldn't be unreasonable would be to have a proper conversation about this. Maybe he is just unsure whether he wants a baby and you can tell him why you think it would work. If you can't talk about this properly with your husband then it doesn't sound like the best of relationships. Your husband is being really stupid if he genuinely doesn't want another kid.

The important thing here is the potential child and not whether you want another kid or whether your husband is irresponsible. I don't think it's fair on a child to purposely bring in into a family where it's 'unwanted' by one parent.

Nanna50 · 29/12/2018 10:50

I think neither of you are taking responsibility and you both need to address what another child would mean. Perhaps you are hoping you will fall pregnant and it will be his fault and he will accept it.

If he is adamant that he wants no more children then why will he not have the snip? Have you discussed your problems with BC and his need to take responsibility?

Original poster
HaudYerWheestHen · 29/12/2018 11:13

He doesn't want the snip because apparently it would hurt. Boo fucking hoo I have asked what he though labour and birth felt like for me when he's said this before. Same goes for the menstrual migraines that make me puke with pain. His mother is also horrified at the thought of him having the snip because I'm "the woman and should go get sterilised!".

He knows BC affects me but as much of a lovely man as he is, I've found that it is a very, very normal attitude for many men to have. "It's a woman's thing, you can use an implant/coil/pills/injection"

The more I write, I'll be honest, the angrier I'm getting. It's just so.... selfish. I've made no secret about my wanting another baby. DH loves being a dad and if I were to have another one, it would be loved by him for sure, but I also know that it would be seen as my fault. l'm not taking the birth control. I'm not preventing conception.

What I wouldn't give for a male pill. Shame they dumped it.

OP posts:
Nanna50 · 29/12/2018 11:47

FWIW the 'it would hurt' and I don't like condoms excuse doesn't ring true with me especially in context of having another child and your problems with BC. How would he react if you said well I dont like the withdrawal method and find it very unsatisfying?

I don't think its a very very normal attitude for men to say its a woman thing. However I think its very very normal for the woman to take responsibility because she is the one who must deal with the consequences. Would anyone trust a man to take birth control?

I think leaving this to chance is very risky, particularly if you are already discussing blame before conception.

MrsJane · 29/12/2018 16:25

What a baby! My DH sailed through having a vasectomy, in and out in an hour and was absolutely fine with it.

Sterilisation for women is a much bigger operation.

And why should women shoulder all the burden of BC?! Makes me v cross! Angry

InkyAndBinky · 30/12/2018 00:52

Sterilisation for women is a much bigger operation

It wasn't for me. It takes minutes and I had a very light general anaesthetic. I wasn't even groggy when I woke up.Other than the pain killers I had at the time of the op I didn't need any other painkillers. It felt a bit like a bad period for a day. That was it!

Best thing was that it works straightaway and is extremely effective.

PennyMordauntsLadyBrain · 30/12/2018 01:06

Currently pregnant with dc2, but I’ve made it clear once baby is born I won’t be going back on hormonal contraception.

I read an interesting perspective on MN a few months ago- the pill/injection/implant means medicating myself 365 days a year to cover ~52 fertile days (assuming 13 periods a year, 4 fertile days per cycle).

No thanks!

AtrociousCircumstance · 30/12/2018 01:11

‘It’s a woman thing’ ??

He doesn’t sound that lovely. That makes him sound sexist and rather stupid. And very entitled.

OrigamiZoo · 30/12/2018 01:23

Just tell him you are done.
Tell him that you are unwilling to take any more birth control so he needs to accept you won' t be having any more sex unless he wishes to manage birth control.

MorningsEleven · 30/12/2018 01:32

He's being an arse. DH had complications after his vasectomy but they were nothing compared to a crash section and a 3 hour elective section that involved severe haemorrhaging and a stay in high dependency. Men can be such wankers.

MarilynSlumroe · 30/12/2018 02:53

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