Sorry if this is a bit long.
DS is 11. Specific example from today. DS had been out all morning with his mates at the skatepark. He came in and lay down on his bed on his phone for 30 mins. I walked past his room and said DS you really need to do your room today. All the DC are expected to keep their rooms reasonably tidy, this isn't a new thing, they've had to help with chores since they were small. I clean them properly once a month. I don't mean immaculate, but crockery downstairs not going mouldy etc. DS's room was a complete pigsty. Food on the carpet, mouldy cups/bowls, stocking chocolate opened and left everywhere. Curtains drawn and clothes and towels covering the carpet.
Another 30 mins later and no movement from DS. I knocked again and said DS get up and start your room please. Eye rolling and loud sigh from him. Knocked again 10 mins later and he's still on his phone. At this point I firmly said, right DS give me your phone and get up and start your room. I went and got him a bin bag to empty his bin into. He's stomping around at this point, muttering under his breath that i'm an idiot. I said don't call me an idiot, you made this mess, his reply 'well you are an idiot, you could have just asked me to do my room fgs' I replied that I had already asked him twice and he hadn't done anything.
Two minutes later and I hear him bringing the hoover up. There is no way his carpet is clear to be hoovered so I asked him what he's doing. He says hoovering what do you think. He's dragging the hoover up by its lead and banging it into the wall. I looked in his room and it's still a tip. The hoover is so bloody tempermental and is a pain to unclog, which he knows, so I tell him he isn't hoovering with all that stuff on the floor which will block the hoover (this is all stuff he already knows). He rolls his eyes and says well make your mind up you want me to clean my room or not.
I go to take the hoover off him and we are then having a tug of war over the hoover at the top of the stairs with him screaming i'm an idiot, he's going to his dads house, i'm so horrible, i'm so mean, nobody likes me etc etc
End game is he is now in his room not cleaning up and im in my room feeling like a shit horrible mother.
He has form for kicking off when he doesn't want to do anything because he gets out of having to do it. I've told him he is not going to his dads or getting his phone back until his room is done. He just shouted 'oh go away would you, your boring me'
Please tell me where I am going wrong, I feel fucking exhausted