Please help me see where I am going wrong with DS

[TempaccountreDS]

Sorry if this is a bit long.

DS is 11. Specific example from today. DS had been out all morning with his mates at the skatepark. He came in and lay down on his bed on his phone for 30 mins. I walked past his room and said DS you really need to do your room today. All the DC are expected to keep their rooms reasonably tidy, this isn't a new thing, they've had to help with chores since they were small. I clean them properly once a month. I don't mean immaculate, but crockery downstairs not going mouldy etc. DS's room was a complete pigsty. Food on the carpet, mouldy cups/bowls, stocking chocolate opened and left everywhere. Curtains drawn and clothes and towels covering the carpet.

Another 30 mins later and no movement from DS. I knocked again and said DS get up and start your room please. Eye rolling and loud sigh from him. Knocked again 10 mins later and he's still on his phone. At this point I firmly said, right DS give me your phone and get up and start your room. I went and got him a bin bag to empty his bin into. He's stomping around at this point, muttering under his breath that i'm an idiot. I said don't call me an idiot, you made this mess, his reply 'well you are an idiot, you could have just asked me to do my room fgs' I replied that I had already asked him twice and he hadn't done anything.

Two minutes later and I hear him bringing the hoover up. There is no way his carpet is clear to be hoovered so I asked him what he's doing. He says hoovering what do you think. He's dragging the hoover up by its lead and banging it into the wall. I looked in his room and it's still a tip. The hoover is so bloody tempermental and is a pain to unclog, which he knows, so I tell him he isn't hoovering with all that stuff on the floor which will block the hoover (this is all stuff he already knows). He rolls his eyes and says well make your mind up you want me to clean my room or not.

I go to take the hoover off him and we are then having a tug of war over the hoover at the top of the stairs with him screaming i'm an idiot, he's going to his dads house, i'm so horrible, i'm so mean, nobody likes me etc etc

End game is he is now in his room not cleaning up and im in my room feeling like a shit horrible mother.

He has form for kicking off when he doesn't want to do anything because he gets out of having to do it. I've told him he is not going to his dads or getting his phone back until his room is done. He just shouted 'oh go away would you, your boring me'

Please tell me where I am going wrong, I feel fucking exhausted

I think it might be easier to get the cleaning out of the way first - today your room and THEN you can go to the skate park/have your phone. It will always be an uphill battle if the reward happens before the task.

If he’s being an absolute arse then clear his room out while he’s at his dad’s, remove everything non-essential, and then he can earn his things back by being polite and keeping things tidy!

I am kind of surprised that so many see the name calling, rudeness etc to be fine and normal. My DS is 8 though so younger than yours.
I certainly would never have dared speak to my own mum like that and would completely flip my lid if DS spoke to me like that.

Can you get to his skateboard? if so, I'd be taking that as well.

It really helps to 'connect' first. If you aren't careful all your interactions with children are about 'do your chores/don't do that/what do you think you're doing'. Then you end up with no relationship.

Connect first. Go in, lean on the wall and ask what he wants for tea, what game is he playing, shall we go out for a meal next week... Make a connection first, have a chat, then say 'oh, make sure you have a tidy round before you go'. Pop in again later 'how's mate you met at skate park? Learn any new tricks?' then say shall I carry the Hoover up?'

People forget that children are people too and need relational sweetness rather than just orders.

If it’s so messy and dirty that it seems an insurmountable task to him, Id go in and work alongside him.

I think you were a little vague with your instruction which led to him feeling hard done by when you came back and forced the issue. You meant do it now/within a reasonable time frame, but he heard do it . Then with the hoover, it might have been better to interrupt and say hold on, your floor needs to be clear, then you can hoover. The way it was it probably sounded to him like you were saying he was doing it wrong which is going to bring him to the defensive.

An 11yo boy is never going to want to clean his room so you need to be more insistent and specific if you want it done. DH is much better than me at this stuff, he does it like this:

• Sunday is room cleaning day, always is. It's never a surprise.

• If he thinks DS1 (10) needs to clean his room on another day he gives a clear warning: DS your room needs to be cleaned today before . You can do what you want until and then we all need to start cleaning.

• Same for Sundays - even though it's the normal routine.

• DS often whines whyyyyy and we just say because it's a tip/because it's Sunday/because you didn't do it on Sunday. If he starts trying to make it into an argument disengage - arguing is stalling.

• Screen time and other fun stuff revoked until it's done. Yes sometimes he spends the day sulking instead - his loss.

• If any instruction needs to be given it's done in a constructive rather than nitpicky way. Sometimes hammed up/emphasised in a jokey manner to show not really disappointment/having a go.

• Lots of praise when it's done and sometimes a small incentive. We also have a robot vacuum which is much more exciting than the real one he likes to use if his floor is clean he's allowed.

Can you get dad on board? It would help to have emotional back up.

You're doing BRILLIANTLY, @TempaccountreDS

Do what you can and ignore what you can and kick off when you absolutely must xxx