Rubbish parent with no idea

[dottydod]

I am desperate so please someone help me to see the wood through the trees.

My son is 14 months old and has never slept through the night and has never been a good eater. We had lots of issues when starting food where he was sick every meal so I just forced myself to chill out about it and slowly he'd eat a bit more. Now, I feel like he should be eating meals but this just doesn't happen. Maybe once a day, he'll have a decent amount of food: sometimes blended, sometimes finger food.

He co sleeps but won't go to bed until I do. Then he wakes 4-5 times in the night. We co-sleep but this is still exhausting.

I've been back at work full time since September. All of my friends with similar aged babies put there's down at 7-8pm but DS will not do this despite having a routine. He still feeds to sleep.

I'm exhausted and desperate for a baby who gives me just a little bit of time to myself. Please help.

Theirs*

I should add that he will happily munch on a chocolate coin or biscuit but I'm throwing away huge quantities of 'real' food. He is also doing well developmentally: speaks a lot and is beginning to walk but these two issues: eating and sleeping are just making me feel like shit and that I'm clueless and terrible at raising babies.

It will get better, honestly it will. Hopefully someone will come along with some advice for you. My ds is 10 now. He didn't sleep through until 16 months and coslept with me until he was much older. But he is a happy child who sleeps well in his own room now. You are doing a great job, it is difficult when you are tired and get no time to yourself.

Can you speak to a health visitor or someone for advice/reassurance about the amount your ds is eating? My ds has issues with eating, I found it very stressful.

Thank you @AmeliaMae. I've spoken to the HV who says I should breastfeed him less but when I'm at work, he easily goes 10-11 hours without milk so I'm not sure what this will achieve.

I just don't know what the 'right' thing to do is. If someone said; "controlled crying will work" I'd do that or "keep sleeping with him and he will learn to self settle" and I'd do that but I just can no longer see the correct thing to do.

My eldest DS didn’t sleep until he was 2.5 years. My third still wakes through the night and won’t sleep in his own bed at 21 months. It’s tough, but they all sleep eventually x

Not sure I have any answers - my four year old was the same and still barely eats. She will however eat at school, around her classmates, so I know she's getting one decent meal per day (not in the UK, school dinners here are excellent). This has helped me to relax about the food.

She was also a terrible sleeper and I ended up absolutely on my knees, suffering bad PND. I know the lack of sleep was a massive contributing factor. Eventually she 'found her sleep', if that makes sense. I'd tried everything and then eventually she just found her way out of it - after about two and a half years of not sleeping. So I can't give you practical help but I'd like to give you hope that it can and will change and get better in time. Do whatever you need to do to get through it now.

Christmas night, we were at a family members house and he the expectation at about 7pm was that he'd go to bed. They thought I was an alien when I explained that he wouldn't go to bed unless I did. Grown up time just doesn't exist in my life, unless I'm at work!

Does he go to nursery while you're at work? If so, how does he get on with eating/sleeping then? If well, perhaps you could ask their advice?

It might also be useful to know what his daytime routine is - I know from experience it's easy to get stuck in old habits, and we might be able to spot something that you've overlooked?

I’m with the keep sleeping with him and he will learn to self settle eventually. My eldest 2 are now great sleepers at 7 and 4; I live in hope that the youngest will get there too

@MrStateTrooper he is looked after full time by my mum at my house.

At the moment, when I'm at work, his routine is about as follows:

8:30 - wake up
9:00 - breakfast - she is far better as getting him to have something. Usually a fruit pouch and toast
Class or activity in the morning
13:00 - maybe some lunch. Have been relying on 10/12 month pouches as throwing homemade stuff away is so demoralising but this is expensive.
Nap for an hour to 90 mins after lunch.
4:30ish - I get home and he is absolutely desperate for a breastfeed.
6pm - I try and fail with dinner and then he has a bath and a story.
Back downstairs for evening meal (DH is a police officer so sometimes in but mostly not.) DS will sit in his chair and whinge at this point, maybe eat some snacks but generally throw anything I've prepared on the floor.
Full of beans in the evening and then will go up to bed with me at around 9pm. Takes a while to 'wind down.'
Wakes multiple times at night and then I get up at 6am and go to work.

Would really welcome any critique. Part of me thinks that I need to bite the bullet and be more stubborn in the evenings and take him up for bath time and refuse to being him back down?

Just means I won't ever get an evening but if it lasts a couple of weeks and then he adapts to a new routine I think I've got the energy to do it.

He typically doesn't sleep for longer than about 45 mins alone though.

I'm also toying with the idea of setting his cot up at the end of my bed and trying to get him into it for the majority of the night. I know this will lead to utter shit sleep for however long it takes for him to adjust and I just don't know if I can face that. I go back to work on the 3rd Jan.

What do people do to end up with babies who go to bed reliably at 7pm for 12 hours? I think I was too strict, sticking to NHS SIDS guidelines so DS didn't nap or sleep out or whichever room we were in until he was 6months old and that seems to have just destroyed his ability to sleep alone at any point of the day.

Honestly at 14 months I would try and reset him. Wake him at 6/630 every morning. It will be miserable fore a few days but he should start going to bed earlier. If he gets up at 830 he isn't going to be tired until 9 or later.

I think if you try to change everything all at once you’re setting yourself up for failure.
Trying to reduce breastfeeding would help him perhaps become less reliant on you. And at 14 months if he starts replacing BM with real food he won’t need the breast milk. Does he also drink Cows milk? I’d perhaps get him seen by hv/gp as he obviously ha some issues surrounding food as vomiting after every meal as he did isn’t normal.

In terms of sleeping, everyone is different when it comes to what’s right in getting your child to sleep. If you suddenly plonked him in his cot and left him to sleep that would never work as he’s not used to it. And you can’t really sleep train when he’s in bed with you. I’d try and work towards getting him in to his cot by still feeding to sleep and then transferring to cot. It will be really hard work. As he BF less he may only start to feed to sleep, then gradually self wean from the breast. If I was as desperate as you I would do controlled crying (not cry it out) which we did at 11 months and worked after 2 nights. I appreciate that this isn’t for everyone though and also that all children will respond differently to it.

I’d definitely start by altering one thing and going from there.
Also does your little one have vitamins? If not eating very much I’d definitely say he should have a daily multivitamin. X

I’d agree that you need to start at the opposite end of the day by getting him up earlier. I think it’s pretty unfashionable these days, but for me routine worked all the way. If he gets up earlier, he might be able to have his nap before lunch, which might hopefully get him more tired earlier in the evening. My kids also went upstairs at 7pm for bath, feed and bed, amd didn’t get brought down again.
I’ve just reread your op and seen that he’s desperate for a BF when you come in from work. It might be worth (although it won’t be easy) giving him an early evening meal at this time rather than milk. He’s likely not eating at 6 as he’s had a milk feed only an hour or so earlier.

@Jellybean100 thank you. This all makes sense. We saw our GP, who used to be a paediatrician when we were having problems with him being sick. He said that he thought his gag reflex was just overdeveloped but would refer us to a consultant if things didn't improve within 3 weeks. They did and so we were never referred.

I am desperate not to raise a fussy eater but he will not even touch things like steamed carrots or other veg unless it is within a blended meal.

He has a multivitamin and a probiotic everyday.

Your advice sounds great so thank you.

@JudgeRindersMinder I feel that the afternoon breastfeed is a way or reconnecting after I've been to work. It seems more for comfort than sustenance. He could have just had a snack but still wants to feed and cuddle as soon as I walk in the door. I appreciate what you're saying though so I imagine it isn't helping matters.

@dottydod, I had a feeling that might be the case, and you’re probably right. How about trying getting him up earlier (mine went to bed at the back of 7 but were up at 6, but at least I got an evening), if he sees you in the morning, which from reading your post, I’m not sure he does, he might be more receptive to dropping that breast feed when you come in from work?

Things I would try:
Getting up earlier and napping earlier.
Not bringing back downstairs after bath and story-this is soothing and he then gets brought back downstairs for time and attention with you and sometimes DH, very rewarding for him even though his fussiness suggests he is tired.
Is he active enough in the afternoons so that he is tired? Sometimes kids who are with GP rather than another setting are in a quieter, less active place. If he’s an extroverted baby might need some kind of class/playgroup.
If he’s had a big breastfeed at 4.30, I wouldn’t expect him to want a dinner at 6pm but his tummy may then not be full enough to sleep through.
Toddler sense was a book I found useful.

My LO didn’t sleep fully through for ages but we did get down to 1 waking and used to co sleep as I was working and just needed sleep.

None of this is meant as criticism and every family is different xx

And I should add, you’re not a rubbish parent, if you were none of this would be concerning you. As for no idea, you’re a first time mum, none of us have any idea!

Is he feeding every time he wakes in the night? If so it sounds like reverse cycling, and he’s probably getting a lot of calories at night. If so you’ve got two challenges: try to get him to take more food/calories in the day so he isn’t hungry at night, and try to get him able to self settle or at least go to sleep without BF. If you solve both you will probably find he sleeps pretty well.

I’d probably tackle them both together - I agree with the PP who says try giving him tea at 4.30 rather than BF - this may go better if your mum does it just before you get home. Also perhaps she could give him some cows milk in the day (after meals) if he will take that more readily than food? Porridge perhaps? You might also try getting him back to sleep without BF the first couple of night wakes (hard work I know esp if he sleeps with you). This is the gradual way.

Or there is the tough but quick way which is controlled crying at bedtime - but as he’s a toddler he will probably be able to keep up the crying for quite a while so you have to be feeling strong/desperate- depends if you’re there yet.

You are not a rubbish parent! Dd1 was like your dc - still fed to sleep at 2 years old and refused to self setttle. At 3 she finally started going to bed alone and now at 10 is independent. Dd3 went down at 7 p.m. and slept alone from 7 months and was sleeping through the night by 14 months. Both were parented identially!!

If you've the energy i would recommend night weaning. That way he'll eat more during the day and sleep better

I was going to say the same thing - you need to be getting him up early. And when he’s desperate for a breastfeed at 4:30, I would try and offer food then instead, not at 6 when he’s already filled up on milk beforehand.

I just wanted to say that this was my DS at the same age. He’s now 9,is eating us out of house and home and weirdly enough doesn’t want to share a bed with mummy and daddy anymore 😆

We didn’t do anything specific,we just muddled through and eventually everything fell into place.

Try not to worry.