Rubbish parent with no idea

[dottydod]

I am desperate so please someone help me to see the wood through the trees.

My son is 14 months old and has never slept through the night and has never been a good eater. We had lots of issues when starting food where he was sick every meal so I just forced myself to chill out about it and slowly he'd eat a bit more. Now, I feel like he should be eating meals but this just doesn't happen. Maybe once a day, he'll have a decent amount of food: sometimes blended, sometimes finger food.

He co sleeps but won't go to bed until I do. Then he wakes 4-5 times in the night. We co-sleep but this is still exhausting.

I've been back at work full time since September. All of my friends with similar aged babies put there's down at 7-8pm but DS will not do this despite having a routine. He still feeds to sleep.

I'm exhausted and desperate for a baby who gives me just a little bit of time to myself. Please help.

Judge and Happy; I really, really appreciate this advice and am certainly not taking it critically. I just need the guidance!

Getting him up earlier sounds far better. You're right: he doesn't see me at all in the morning Mon-Fri.

So I'm going to go for a 6:30 wake up.

He does a few activities a week: Baby Sensory, Jo Jingles and Tumble Tots. Nan is also very good at playing and has boundless energy so he spends most of the day expending energy which is why the waking is so frustrating.

I will start taking him up for his bath about 6:30pm and staying up there.

As far as eating goes: is it really okay to just keep offering and carry on if he refuses?

Mini, Cuckoo, Fenella, retainer: thank you all. You're making me feel so much calmer about this situation.

I'm formulating a plan. Earlier wake up. Dinner at about 4:15, before I come home. Offer a small snack at 6pm then bathtime and (hopefully) bedtime routine soon after.

I'm going to try and cut down the night feeds. They're not very long usually but are just a way of him settling so although I'm sure it will be difficult at first, I'll try and persevere with settling him without milk. Please god this all works.

Glad it doesn’t feel critical. You’ve reminded me my LO has main meal at lunch time at that age when less tired and more time. Evening was a snack. I can’t help with the BF much as mine wasn’t BF by that stage. If he hasn’t seen you all day and wants comfort I guess he may resist stopping this, but can try juggling with bigger later lunch and then BF before a small snack dinner. Sometimes if dinner was a total disaster I did porridge or weetabix before bed to help with being full enough for sleep. You’re def not a rubbish parent, just muddling through like we all are!!

As far as drinking: he never took a bottle and will have sips of water from a sippy cup but doesn't guzzle anything. When I've tried him with cows milk, he spits it out or will have a couple of sips and then leave it. Nappies are always wet though so he's evidently well hydrated.

Tea before you come in sounds like a really good idea, if he has a BF when you come in, then fingers crossed he’ll have had some calories at teatime before hand.
It’s just unfortunate that babies don’t understand all these theories we come up with! My kids are 21 and 17, amd I’m still muddling through and waiting to be found out for it!

It’s all just trial and error really. Ds1 self settled and slept 7-7 from 11 weeks old, despite reflux etc. Ds2 has only recently started settling himself at 15 months. Occasionally still have to rock him to sleep and he won’t settle again in the night without a feed. He’s mostly down to one feed a night now though thankfully. They were both patented exactly the same with the same routine.

One thing I’ve always been consistent on though is bedtime is bedtime. We never bring them back downstairs after their bath, even when they are ill I’d rather sit upstairs with them and miss dinner than give them the idea they might be able to come back down after their bath.

I hope it gets easier soon

DS wouldn’t take cows milk at first but would drink the Arla big milk - might be worth trying that? Also can you express? You could give him half BM and half cows milk and then gradually reduce the BM?

The 360 cups are great - might be worth a go?

Hi OP
DS2 was exactly like this. Never slept and super fussy about food with lots of vomiting. I felt like a shit mother too. I never did manage to get him to sleep through. He just couldn't. He needed almost no sleep until he hit puberty.
He also co slept, and if I 'settled' him in his own bed, he'd just crawl into mine anyway.
If he's talking, start explaining that you needs sleep. That you get very tired and grumpy and sad if you don't get your sleep, so if he wakes up, he can snuggle you or cuddle a soft toy but not wake you, talk to you kick or wriggle. Over the years this helped us a fair bit as DS learned the big difference between a well-rested mother and a tired and ratty one.
With food, again I explained: this food makes you big and strong. This food doesn't. I used ot separate out into pots choices of each main food groups and tell him he had to choose things from each set. (Turns out DS is autistic which is why he struggled with new foods and textures, but this system really helped him. He had a limited but healthy diet for years and now is very adventurous with food.

Looking back, I think I did a bloody brilliant job long term. Loads of mistakes along the way but he now sleeps and eats well and is a gorgeous, happy human being.

I think you need to cut out the night feeds, just offer a sip of water and ignore the whinging. I would go cold turkey as it is going to be painful however you do it, so might as well as well go for it. If you wont feed him at night, he will start sleeping better as he will learn to self settle. I think dinner before you get home is a great idea, and waking up earlier too. When he will self settle, start moving him into his own cot and then his own room. You can crack this, you just have to be willing to power through the short term pain. He will be much happier and healthier if you can sort his sleep. Its worth it for him as well as you.

I would also agree that he is possibly tired when he comes back downstairs after his bath and story which contributes to the whinging. And then gets past it so full of beans then before bed. And the eating will get better. My now 4yr old ate very little for a couple of years, and still isn't the best eater, but is perfectly healthy.

Following as sounds very similar to my 9 month old although he isn't vomiting just doesn't eat huge quantities.. Have found he likes real food better than purees though.. He especially likes mash potato with cheese and any type of bread
We started last night trying to reduce night time breastfeeds... He still fed at 2, 5 and 7 but he did go from 8-2 although he cried off and on for an hour in our arms because he wasn't getting bf before settling and going to sleep in his pram at 11 then his dad transferred to his own cot..

The longer children do something, the longer it takes to stop.
If he wants to be feeding off and on all night at fourteen months it’s going to take longer to stop than if he slept through at six or ten months. Same with co sleeping.
You’re back at work and need to be very firm or he’ll still be waking you when he’s two or five. Put him in his own room and cut out the night feeds.

Hello there,
First you are no rubbish. You care about your baby and your lo knows it!!!
Then if that helps, mine is 14 months... it has been a little bit of a battle but he eats. What we did was : to focus on quantity first. No matter what that was (healthy food untended), I would give him to build up the habit. Then he would be hungry aroubd this time everyday and we could be more adventurous though still having food he likes in case the one i planned didn't work or offer variables of it. Does he eat alone? It makes a huge different with mine if he eats alone or part of family meal...even just both of us. Sometimes he won't eat until i leave as he would try to play with me 🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️
About sleep, we sleep trained, using little ones. It was great for us as we had no clue of the natural inclinations of babies around this age. We started at 4 months so a while back.
Good luck mama Xx