Don't want to arrange or attend my Mothers Funeral

[CalFlo]

She isn't a pleasant person. She is so self obsessed, assume she is a Narcissist. I maintain a very limited relationship with her that is as deep as a puddle. I would never tell her anything important about me or my family, conversation revolves around her amazing anecdotes, ill health and how amazing random strangers think she is!

Maybe I should be totally no contact but I don't feel able. It suddenly occurred to me that I will be the one needed to arrange and " host " her funeral but I honestly don't feel able. Maybe I'm being incredibly selfish and I owe her this but it doesn't feel like I could do it. I still invite her to my house but it's not been reciprocated for years, she still comes extremely late and then spends hours bathing for example while my dc are desperate to see her.

It's a totally bonkers situation so probably hard to judge!

Direct Cremation!
Short version. Body is collected by funeral director and cremated. You are notified of the day. There is no funeral and you need do nothing else apart from make the initial phone call and pay ( I paid £1250). Job done.

^ This.

Is she of the age when she might be considering arranging her own? Sounds morbid, but both my grandmothers actually planned and paid for their own funerals while they were still alive.

Could you drop some subtle hints to encourage her to sort it herself? My parents are both 70 now and my relationship with them is good, but I've still the conversation with them about putting things in place for the end.

What Maiden said. It's becoming a more popular option now anyway and saves you having to pretend at a funeral service. I assume there's no one else who would want to be involved?

Ah! That's what it's called. Direct Cremation. Thanks.

I may have need in a few years.

Is there some reason why you are thinking about this now ? Is she likely to die any time soon ? I'd leave it and address the situation when it happens .

birdie

Because addressing the situation at the time means you are conflicted with emotion and time is not on your side for making decisions.

Everyone should be considering death before it happens.

Raising the subject might be difficult, but I can't help thinking that planning her own funeral (as mentioned above) might be something this person would really enjoy.

After all, it's literally ALL ABOUT THEM. A whole long ceremony for a couple of unfortunate relatives a massive adoring audience to sit through, all about how wonderful they were.

(I have a mum like this and strongly suspect she has already written several eulogies for herself to be read out at her funeral.)

Direct Cremation is your friend here. We couldn't bear the hypocrisy of standing in an empty chapel and pretending to be sad for a nasty, poisonous person.....so we didn't. It seems that it is an increasingly popular option these days. As ye sow, so shall ye reap.

Direct cremation is what we, as a family, are choosing for ourselves. (My parents and my husband and I) It's not just for people who can't afford full blown funerals or who dislike each other. We aren't religious and don't see the 'body' of a deceased person as being anything other than a body. It has no significance. We will have a get together without the body to comfort each other.

OP, If I were you I would get some info together so that you can make a choice whether you want to be involved or not. I think it might be less painfully to take charge and go down the direct cremation route. Otherwise you 'not' doing the funeral might be more of a thing than you doing it iyswim

Have you thought of donating the body to medical science. Permission has to come from them I think.

My understanding is that leaving a body to medical science has to be arranged with the medical school/hospital in advance of death. I should probably point this out to my father but can't be arsed

What a depressing thread. I totally get that in cases like OP's her mum is bringing it on herself, but I can't help thinking of the reverse situation where the surviving relatives go for direct cremation as the cheapest option. So sad. A friend of my parents left everything to one niece, ignoring the others. Said niece wasted no time getting the estate through probate but several years on has not bought a headstone for aunt's grave. So disrespectful and ungrateful. I wonder what kind of a funeral she will get in due course.

@Bittermints it is depressing, but the reality is we are all going to meet the same fate one way or another. My dad's mother lived into her 90's having lost her husband in his 60's. She was realistic about how much time she had left and made the arrangements so she got what she wanted. The same for my mum's mother. She lost her husband 10 years before and having had to plan his funeral, didn't want to have to put my mum through the same thing. My dad has already made it beyond the age his own father died.

I would sooner my parents made the decisions about what they want when the time comes, instead of having myself and my 3 siblings squabbling over it. Which in reality means it will all get left to me because I live nearest!

Why do you have to? There is no law.

Make it clear to her that you won't be, and she needs to instruct a solicitor if there is no other family member or friend to do it.

@Fatted, yes, we all come to the same thing. What I was finding sad was the idea that some people die unloved because of their own actions and others because the ones they loved didn't reciprocate.

Fucking hell. How depressing.

Thank you all. I had never heard of Direct Cremation. I will somehow attempt to broach this subject with her. It is depressing but for some reason I have just started thinking about it. She may have already made her own plans, if she has how do I not attend without getting a lot of disapproval from others.

Sounds good to me, but still very expensive.

This is what we will do for fil, none of us will speak to him about it or his wishes, we will just see if we can club together for this direct cremation malarkey.
He hasn’t made any provisions, no plans despite bil dropping huge hints so this is the way he is going.

None of us will be sad, there will be no flowers, no further expense than absolutely needed.
That’s what happens to people who are bad through and through.

Is there a reason this is particularly on your mind? Lots of people do not attend funerals, its perfectly fine to not want to attend - for any number of reasons and it really does not matter what anyone else thinks.

Those that mind dont matter, and those that matter dont mind.

Direct cremation sounds ideal.

Direct Cremation.
Good enough for David Bowie. Good enough for me. Mine is planned and paid for.
My sis is a bit upset, but if she really wants to 'have a do' she can.

If she wants, she can make arrangements. If not, you can do a Direct Cremation and if all the people who think se is wonderful want to, they can sort out a memorial service you don't have to attend.

Same here MrsTommyBanks.
No fuss, no maudlin eulogies and cheap.

Unfortunately I think a lot of people see it as a taboo subject and bury their head in the sand. It’s a bad enough time for relatives when someone dies without having to guess what they wanted because they never wanted to discuss it. Speaking from experience here.
I talk quite openly about my final wishes and also have them written down in a file with my will.