Don't want to arrange or attend my Mothers Funeral

[CalFlo]

She isn't a pleasant person. She is so self obsessed, assume she is a Narcissist. I maintain a very limited relationship with her that is as deep as a puddle. I would never tell her anything important about me or my family, conversation revolves around her amazing anecdotes, ill health and how amazing random strangers think she is!

Maybe I should be totally no contact but I don't feel able. It suddenly occurred to me that I will be the one needed to arrange and " host " her funeral but I honestly don't feel able. Maybe I'm being incredibly selfish and I owe her this but it doesn't feel like I could do it. I still invite her to my house but it's not been reciprocated for years, she still comes extremely late and then spends hours bathing for example while my dc are desperate to see her.

It's a totally bonkers situation so probably hard to judge!

Exactly HRTpatch the cost of funerals is a bloody disgrace imho.
When I'm gone, I'm gone. Don't be spending good money on me.

Sounds a bit like the mother of a friend of mine - she's emailed her a eulogy for her funeral (not imminent) which is apparently a very air-brushed version of her earlier life and which focuses mainly on her having met Princess Margaret once in the 70s. My friend has told her there's no way that she's delivering such a work of fiction...

CalFlo do what is right for you. No one has the right to judge you.
You might feel differently when it happens. I did with my Mum, who was very abusive. I attended her funeral and it was very cathartic.
But if you don't want to it's ok

I totally get that in cases like OP's her mum is bringing it on herself, but I can't help thinking of the reverse situation where the surviving relatives go for direct cremation as the cheapest option. So sad

Sad, or practical? Some people can't afford a few thousand pounds to bury a relative.

I have told all my family that i want direct cremation. There is no way I would want them to be struggling to pay for all the 'trimmings'

You may find that you need to do something, that it helps you to move on. You don't need to do anything fancy, but taking the opportunity to make arrangements of some kind will help you process your emotions about it. You may be surprised by the strength of your feelings- grieving inadequate parents has its own complications.

A direct cremation, I think in this situation, is a great idea.

It’s what I’d do for my narc abusive Mother. I’d also write her a letter telling her what I think of her, and ask them to put it in with her body.

You are not obliged to arrange, pay for, or attend a funeral. You don't have to arrange anything at all, not even a direct cremation. We won't be, for my husband's abusive parents, though I'm sure they expect it. It may sound selfish but a council burial in a paupers grave is all they deserve. They don't have anyone who would want to remember them.

I totally get that in cases like OP's her mum is bringing it on herself, but I can't help thinking of the reverse situation where the surviving relatives go for direct cremation as the cheapest option. So sad

I love the idea of direct cremation. It's not necessarily about the cost it's also about the whole process. I get that it's traditional for people to have a ceremony and for the dead body to be part of that ceremony - but I would rather not have a ceremony and would prefer an informal get together. Its what I will be doing for my parents once they die. They've actually specified they want direct cremations in their wills.

There is nothing sad about our decision. You are mistaken if you think it's about money. We may well end up spending more money on a lovely meal out for everyone.

I hope people who can't afford a traditional burial or cremation aren't put off having a direct cremation because of concern that other people will judge them.