14yo DS invites to house party for NYE WWYD?

[youarenotkiddingme]

Ds is 14. House is about 3.5 miles from us.

No parents will be there. Party says 7pm- 3am.

Ds says he won't drink and can't have much with the medication he takes. He always refuses a sip when my brother offers it.

Ds is a really good child and generally does the right thing despite what others do.

However he's autistic and this make him vulnerable in other ways.

He was fine when I said 12.30 curfew if I let him go, was fine when I said I really didn't think it was a good idea (and said shall I text no then?) and being really good about me saying I'll think about it.

He's now just announced the older sister will be there - who's 19. Friend doesn't know if her sisters friends will be there.

Any advice? WWYD?

Should add ds hasn't really been out much with friends before. In fact he's only been out 3 times without an adult and only for 1-2 hours at a time.

I'd let him go but come home early like you originally said. 12.30 or 1am. Will you pick him up?

I would pick him up. He won't travel alone even if it was daylight!

He won't get on buses and can't walk far due to weak leg muscles.

Apparently the 19yo sister is having friends.

I'm not sure if that's me think it's safer or not? (I remember being 18/19)

I have a 15 year old with autism. I'd be discouraging this.

I wonder whether the parents know that their darling children will be having a party while they're not home?

I’d let him go. But pick him up at 12:30. How well do you know the party thrower? To be honest if he is as quiet and sensible as you describe,it is unlikely that he’s been invited to that wild a party! Many 14 year olds parties are fuelled with cider, but not all of them are.

Maybe have a code word or phrase he can text you so you can come & pick him up earlier if he's feeling overwhelmed?

I don't know them at all. He often says he has no friends but I don't think that's true. He's an extremely sweet and naive boy really and so kind everyone kinda just loves him.
He's like an obedient puppy!

I think that's what worries me. He doesn't really have experience of hanging out with friends and so I'm not sure if this is a big step (maybe too big?).

I very much doubt he'd be friends with people who aren't sensible and trustworthy. He's the child who will tell on anyone and everyone for not following the rules!

I wonder if I'm skewed in my opinion due to knowing what my friends teens of that age get up to!

Who is actually hosting the party?

I’d want to know more before saying yes, but if I could get away with saying no, I would.

I would be really concerned about others spiking his drinks with alcohol. Some buggers think it highly amusing to get the nice, sweet awkward boy drunk. My asd son is similarly lovely but is very easily influenced by whomever he is with. If there are people there with strong personalities, he will agree to anything, like the time he admitted fault when some idiot drove into the back of his car. Said idiot was very aggressive anf Flyingboy just agreed to everything until I came along and pointed out the realities.

I just think you've got a child who is very vulnerable in a situation where they are all wanting to act older than their ages. A 19 year old is not going to stop anything happening. I'd say 'no' or just until just after midnight.

Do you think he actually wants you to say no? Would he tell you if he did? I only ask because you said he offered to text no quite quickly. It seems like a big step for him if I’ve understood correctly - it’s tricky to know the right thing to do.

I think my concerns for my own autistic teen is that in some ways he's super intelligent and perceptive but in others he's operating much younger emotionally than his peers. So for me it would feel like sending a ten or eleven year old to a New Year's Eve teen party iyswim? He doesn't have much "bantz" and physically he isn't as strong as other boys his age, for example he couldn't stand up for himself or maybe even get safely out of the way if something kicked off. Also how much of his wanting to attend is because he thinks that's "what teenagers do"? My teen would want to go for about an hour just to do it but he couldn't sustain it. We went on a cruise with a teen club earlier this year and he was super excited about it and there was lots of talk of going to the Midnight Parties they held in it but when it came down to it he was mentally exhausted after an hour and I kept finding him back in the cabin because he'd couldn't deal with the social onslaught. Does any of that sound like your ds?

Do you think he actually wants you to say no? Would he tell you if he did? I only ask because you said he offered to text no quite quickly.

I was thinking this. I think my ds would want me to take control of it tbh.

no i would not be allowing my autistic kid to go to a new years eve party with no adults there. Can you arrange something else for new years as a family to make it less bad to say no?

I think that's what worries me. He doesn't really have experience of hanging out with friends and so I'm not sure if this is a big step (maybe too big?).

From what you have said I think this is the bit that would worry me too.

I would say no on this occasion. Perhaps look for opportunities over the next few months for him to hang out with friends a bit more so that he is a bit more prepared for something similar next year.

To me it seems very young to be going to an unsupervised house party. Can you give him a plausible excuse for not going to save face?

In fact he's only been out 3 times without an adult and only for 1-2 hours at a time.

It seems like a massive leap from that to a NYE house party. If he had a small group of good friends who you knew and trusted to keep an eye out for him it might be different but it feels like there are too many unknowns.

How is he sensory wise? The number of people, noise and lights etc. might be overload.

14 year old hosting a house party with no parents till 3 a.m. sounds a nightmare without the added concerns for your DS

I think I would say no. And arrange sometime enjoyable that he would enjoyed with you all instead.
Concerns for me would be lack of parents there

You're all expressing my concerns so eloquently.

I'm not sure he understands the realities of what the party will be like. It's certainly not hanging out in the drama studio like they do at school!

I also think he's seeing having a 19yo there and her friends as it being adult supervised. Like someone said they won't be interested in kids!

There's only me and him. So we won't really be doing anything if he doesn't go.

The spiking of drink does worry me. Mostly because the effects of alcohol with his medication (baclofen) could be very dangerous. Although he says there isn't going to be alcohol there - but then there's adults so there will be!!

I have a 14 year old DS, and I certainly wouldn’t trust him to behave at a party with no adults present! I’d let him go only if I had contact with a parent or other adult who going to be keeping an eye on proceedings.

I’m a fairly easy going parent but I am constantly surprised at the number of DSs friends’ parents who seem quite happy for their kids to pile round to our house for the night with no idea if I’m even going to be there!

Can you invite some people for new years to yours instead?

Parties cancelled 😂😂

Ds said it's because lots of people couldn't go.

Maybe I'm not the only parent not keen on the idea then - ds disabilities or not!

If has made me think about him needing more opportunities to socialise though.
He goes to a swimming club and has friend through that but he's not really one for going out and about. He certainly needs a good year of it before parties are on the menu!

Result!

What a relief OP.

I would say no to any 14 year old of mine attending a party in these circumstances, let alone one with additional needs

Result!