Anyone regret divorce?

[Youbloodywhaat]

Together a decade, met young. Two young children and a fairly nice little life together. He's a good man, not without faults but no LTB needed. I'm not perfect (stressy!)

On the rare occasions we are alone we get on well, although there are aspects of his personality I love and others I find incredibly frustrating. As we've grown we've changed, possibly not insurmountable things though really.

The issue is that ultimately we have not/aren't weathering parenting and general life stresses well and as such we bicker alot, fall out often and I don't think we bring out the best in each other anymore. Possibly for a good few years Actually.

I find myself contemplating life without him. I've noticed that I seem to focus alot on his negatives, and mine, and wonder if we would be better apart. Perhaps the sad truth is that while we do love one another, we don't make a good team so to speak.

But divorce would create a huge impact. For our children mostly, but for me too. I don't want to out myself so would rather not be too specific.... but I think potentially splitting would cause such hardship that any potential positives would be cancelled out. . . But I can't help but feel that life is passing me by. I am successful at work, have the wonderful children i'd always dreamed of and we have good family support. I am lucky in many ways but have suffered terribly in my lifetime too, so it's not all roses!

I wonder if there is anyone who wished they'd tried harder? Whether post divorce you just realised it was life and circumstances and if you'd held on, it would have been worth it in the end/better. (Assuming the situations are comparable! No dv or cheating or anything awful going on)

I just find myself reguarly thinking.. is this is it's supposed to be? Boring and mundane and just a bit reguarly shit? There's lots of a joy in our family unit, but in our relationship? Not really. He doesn't fulfil me emotionally.

Thank you for listening!

Have you considered marriage counselling? I think you should work on your marriage. Life is generally mundane and what you have is probably a lot better than it seems..

If you still love each other, no infidelity, abuse or other unpleasantness I'd try harder if you are just finding parenting hard.
Parenting and relationships are REALLY hard, that's life. It gets easier as they get older though challenges change.

Try some counselling then if split is the best thing you can better understand and why the marriage isn't sustainable.

Life as a single working parent is really really hard. The fallout from split takes a long time to smooth over and then you are sharing your children.

I'm 3 years in. Won't regret it due to circumstances of split but it's been very hard dealing with split and onward life.

There's a bit of being your person which is nice but it's not all rose tinted by any means.

No but I hated him and he was abusive.
If you love him then get counselling, would you be better together or apart?
I would work at it if it were worth working at, mine wasn't as there was only one sided input. I regret marriage but not divorce.

We have struggled since we have had our children (3 and 1). We are both tired and struggle to get any rest.

This has taken a massive toll on all aspects of our life.

I am going to keep trying. I don’t want a different partner, I want this partner but more sleep and time off?!

I take my frustrations out on him and I’m quite resentful cuz our kids don’t pester him 24/7 like they do to me.

I appreciate my post probably makes it sound like a non issue.

Yes absolutely resentment is a word I'd use here too, Chosen. The mental load is too much and we have issues aligning our priorities, which means we don't work well as a team which is one of our biggest issues. I'd say I have a fairly controlling personality, in that I feel my way is most logical and find him frustrating.

Alot of our issues stem from the age old, he needs sex, I need emotional fulfilment. He Seems incapable of giving me what I need which means I struggle to muster up a sex drive. This has been a stalemate issue for a long time. So then we start having lots of sex, and we get on a bit better, but after a while I still feel we are mismatched on our emotional needs and then we return to the same old argument. He doesn't give me the right support, in that I just don't think he actually "gets me"

But he is also an amazing person and I know if my friends heard me complaining of all this they would think I'm ungrateful, he's hands on around the house etc. But does that mean my needs should go unmet?

I didn’t regret my first divorce but it’s made me really think carefully about a second. From a financial point of view it would be such a set back (and imo money should be a consideration), I feel the same as you in many of the points that you’ve made. I’m not sure what the answer is. Have you talked to him about how you feel?

I think you should try to give it your all. Sounds like you have some issues going back when you say you have suffered in life. I think if you can find some happiness or extra fulfilment in your individual life that might help, I can be guilty too of expecting one person to 'get' everything or fulfil your happiness.
Start with accepting yourself and him as you are today. Be kind to both of you. Work on yourself and as much as you can and try to have some fun together. I'm not hearing a lot of fun going on. Good luck. If you do decide to split you need to know you've done everything you can, otherwise you might find yourself just as unhappy in your own or on another relationship.

You have so much insight into your difficulties OP, which could hopefully make it easier to work on.

Has he ever met your emotional needs? Is it something you could get back with help

I can relate to a lot of your comments. Particularly sex v emotional needs. And the mundane life of parenting a young child and bickering.

We are having couple's therapy and it's helping. Try it and make sure you get a good therapist.

The grass often appears greener, it rarely is

I don’t regret leaving as my ex was abusive but it breaks my heart only being with my DC for part of their lives, missing every other Christmas etc.

Your relationship sounds salvageable with work from both of you, especially if he has as much insight as you do.

I'm widowed, but was in the process of divorcing when my H died. No regrets at all, but a completely different situation: he was an alcoholic and his issues were having a dreadful impact on our DDs. He didn't want to change, so that was us over. We are infinitely happier now and have just celebrated our first peaceful Christmas as a family of three. Everyone's situation is different.

I am in a similar situation to you OP. Daily life seems unsustainable. DH snaps at me constantly. He seems constantly angry at me. I have totally different way of communicating (and set of problems - I am calm and reasonable until I am pushed too far and then I lose it dreadfully).

Anyway. your post caused me to inquire about counselling. I can't bear the thought of leaving him (the effect on DD, practicalities as we currently live abroad, finances, etc), but I can't carry on with this low level nastiness that is always present. It is literally destroying my mental health.

Sent off the email just now and has given myself a year (length of time until we can move home) to try various things to improve my marriage. If by july things aren't better, I will start organising leaving.

Stripy
Sounds very sensible. Good luck.

I've had therapy previously and work hard each day to tackle the niggling effects my traumatic history has left me with. We have talked endlessly but we just go around in circles because I don't think he is actually capable of being what I need. He is caring but perhaps I expect too much.

Ultimately I just want him to be "that" person for me. The one I tell everything to, without judgment. My safe space.. The person who gets what I need without me having to spell it out to him. He is not naturally that person and I think the disappointment of hoping he can fulfil that lingers for me because I do not have that anywhere else. I'm tired of being my own person.. Surely that is what a relationship is for?

To the PP who asked. No he has never been, but i accepted it readily then because I had someone else in my life who filled the gaps he didn't, sadly that friendship ended and nothing has come close since.

I am very independent and believe I am responsible for my own happiness... so I work hard at a job I enjoy and my life doesn't revolve around him.... but I'm lacking that person where you can just "rest" when life gets too much. A team player who sees when you are struggling and steps in without asking and quietly does what needs to be done.

Perhaps I am expecting too much. Maybe it is an idealistic bit of a relationship I thought existed for Every one and we arent getting it right?

I think the bottom line is I don't like who I am in this relationship. I am the tired and snappy one, one sarcastic and I think he brings out a selfish bit in me because I feel like I have to be my own self preservation because any help I ask for has to be so clearly instructed and managed that it is pointless and I am frustrated by the lack of teamwork dynamic. So instead of wanting to do lovely things for him, I just feel resentful and like I need to look after myself.

Does that make sense? I don't like spend every day low level irritated. Perhaps I am the problem mostly.

I hated dh when the dc were small.
Like him again now. Hang on. Wait until your youngest child is five, then see how you feel.

You always have to look
after yourself, you can’t give someone your heart and soul and say here you have this and look after it.

How young are the kids? Our youngest is just approaching school age and it’s only in the last 3 or 4 months that any kind of healthy relationship has become possible. We don’t have family close by, so almost all childcare not done by us is paid for. Popping out for a drink or whatever to catch up and chill out is impossible. Coupled with DH weight gain and snoring, not sleeping in the bedroom we didn’t have sex for years after our youngest was born. DH worked full time (and bloody hard) and didn’t feel appreciated, I think he doesn’t care about what he eats etc and it was really hard to be kind to each other.

If I was working full time too, it would have been completely unbearable. It got slightly better when the free hours kicked in at 3 and I got a few hours to myself during the week. DH wanted couple time and the last thing I wanted was to spend time with anyone after being at work or looking after the children.

I made the effort with sex lately and it’s not that bad. I do feel that DH could make more effort with the weight loss, but to be fair it’s been fairly brutal for him, with a wife who didn’t want to hang out with him, and neither of us could be arsed to make the effort to do anything together. Now the children are that bit older and more independent, and we’ve had a few heart to hearts and blazing rows, we are on a firmer footing. No, it’s not easy, and no, it’s not hearts and flowers and sweep me off my feet romance, but we are a partnership to keep a family running. And ultimately, that’s more important.

DH is fundamentally a good egg - financially responsible, does his share with childcare etc. It would be different if that wasn’t the case.

I've been in the same boat, all of your posts could have been written by me, especially the sex vs emotional needs. But we had an honest chat and have both been making a big effort and I feel like we are getting a stronger bond again. I don't necessarily think leaving is the right answer at this stage.

Your situation sounds similar to mine in lots of ways with the lack of emotional fulfilment but basically a good man etc. My dh has just been diagnosed with autism so I also now know it won't massively change, and am now asking myself those same questions: is this as good as it gets? Can I cope with this for the rest of my life? How important are my needs? I'm not clear on the answers. But one thing which stands out to me from your posts is the lack of anyone else close to you? Do you have a good support network? I'm lucky to have great friends and without them I may well have left by now.

We tried counselling and it helped us stop the mutual withdrawing we'd gotten into, but not much more. We've had sex twice this year...

Sorry, I didn't really address your main question as we haven't divorced - but I can empathise with your situation

I really appreciate the time you've all taken to reply. It is helping so much.

Our youngest is two years off of school, we both work very hard and one of our two is particular challenging. We don't have much fun as someone else mentioned above but I am trying to rectify this by ensuring the weekends don't pass us by and exploring new holidays etc.

No I don't really, I have a handful of friends who I love, but we are all very busy with children and lives although I enjoy seeing them when I do, my closest one has fairly different interests to me so sometimes it can be hard. I probably need to focus on getting a bit of a social life too... but I want to enjoy time with DH, and worry that if I start focusing on friends more it'll just drive even more of a wedge between us.

Notanotherjaffacake.. you give me hope!

I just want to feel more than "is this my life now"? I guess it feels like our relationship is lacking something special.

Ironically it is I who has turned into a fatty! DH still desperate to shag me though

Your post about having to look after you really resonated with me - I felt I had to be super strict with boundaries that helped me survive because not being functional was not an option. And my relationship with DH was what suffered. We couldn't drop the ball on kids or work without immediate consequences,but it's far easier to let your relationship slide and do nothing about it.

We are both a bit older, wiser and cynical now, but I still love him and I am beginning to think there's light at the end of the tunnel.

Also keep expectations and pressure to have Amazing Family Fun Time to a minimum. Settle for just being kind to each other for now.

It does need sorting out now. I’ve found there is a bit of a lull in the mundanity of parenting tiny children once they’re a bit older, but things then go back to being difficult again now they’re teens.

They’re great teens but there is no longer any settling down with a film and a glass of wine on the sofa cuddled up to DH when the kids have gone to bed as they now go to bed the same time as I do! Teens mostly tend to be quite selfish and don’t appreciate all they have and that can be quite frustrating although I know that empathy and generosity will come with maturity. I just miss a little toddler hug and real “mummy adoration”.

We are both stressed by our jobs (both full time). I was part time when the kids were little and was much happier but they seem to have got much more expensive in their teens in terms of things they need, school trips, clothes, food etc. And I can’t find a decent part time job anyway so I feel trapped.

Our parents are now old so minimal baby sitting (once or twice a year). Health problems in some of them mean that I’m looking after my parents (in a small way) as well as my kids sometimes and there is now no room for me to just look after myself and mine and DH’s relationship at all.

I’m peri-menopausal, mid-40s, and definitely past my physical peak which is a bit depressing. Hormones all over the place, I’ve gone off sex so that area is difficult.

Family members are now getting to an age where they’re starting to die off, I’ve been an executor to a relative’s will and that was really stressful etc etc Makes you very aware of your own mortality.

There is a lot of pressure at this stage of our lives. I miss the lovely innocence and joy of the “little kid” stage and Christmas compounds it. They’ve lost interest in the Christmas activities they enjoyed when tiny and that’s fine, but it’s just one of the nice things about being a parent that has disappeared.

I do see others who are maybe 5 years ahead of us and ehose kids are nearly grown up and at uni or Fulltime work and they seem to have a more enjoyable life in terms of leisure time and time to be a couple again. But who knows? Maybe that really isn’t the case. Maybe it’s just the case of me wrongly thinking the grass is greener for them.

What I’m trying to say is, the stresses of life may well get worse before they get better, so you could do with working out your issues now.

I could have written your post op. Almost word for word.
We are going to go see a counsellor in the new year as really I can't go on like we are. Its soul destroying.

Over the past week or so I have found a couple called Gay and Katie Hendricks quite interesting. If you youtube them they have a few techniques to help in the midst of an argument that can calm it down.
One of them I used yesterday which stopped something which could have been a whole day bicker and mood-fest before it got started. I was also a bit shocked by my dh reaction to it and how it changed his 'attitude' -although he didn't know I was using it.

I also paid for their e-course 'hearts in harmony' but we haven't done it yet. I know, because of what I have read, on page one they say that one of the things that I do regularly is one of the number one things that squash a relationship. Of course I want the mess of our relationship to be all his fault!!

This stuff is hard because you have to be prepared to look at your own stuff and admit when you have been wrong. However 'stuff' out in the open is easier to clear up.