Anyone regret divorce?

[Youbloodywhaat]

Together a decade, met young. Two young children and a fairly nice little life together. He's a good man, not without faults but no LTB needed. I'm not perfect (stressy!)

On the rare occasions we are alone we get on well, although there are aspects of his personality I love and others I find incredibly frustrating. As we've grown we've changed, possibly not insurmountable things though really.

The issue is that ultimately we have not/aren't weathering parenting and general life stresses well and as such we bicker alot, fall out often and I don't think we bring out the best in each other anymore. Possibly for a good few years Actually.

I find myself contemplating life without him. I've noticed that I seem to focus alot on his negatives, and mine, and wonder if we would be better apart. Perhaps the sad truth is that while we do love one another, we don't make a good team so to speak.

But divorce would create a huge impact. For our children mostly, but for me too. I don't want to out myself so would rather not be too specific.... but I think potentially splitting would cause such hardship that any potential positives would be cancelled out. . . But I can't help but feel that life is passing me by. I am successful at work, have the wonderful children i'd always dreamed of and we have good family support. I am lucky in many ways but have suffered terribly in my lifetime too, so it's not all roses!

I wonder if there is anyone who wished they'd tried harder? Whether post divorce you just realised it was life and circumstances and if you'd held on, it would have been worth it in the end/better. (Assuming the situations are comparable! No dv or cheating or anything awful going on)

I just find myself reguarly thinking.. is this is it's supposed to be? Boring and mundane and just a bit reguarly shit? There's lots of a joy in our family unit, but in our relationship? Not really. He doesn't fulfil me emotionally.

Thank you for listening!

I don't regret either divorce but then my exes were constantly trying to push my boundaries for years so they had to go. Both regretted divorcing me but then tough they should have behaved themselves earlier.
I will only put up with so much nonsense.
I think in your case it sounds like it's much to early to be considering divorce, please try counselling first.
Children can be extremely stressful and everyone can feel like they have lost sight of their marital relationship.
At least give it a chance, these problems are not insurmountable.
You need to let him know what you are thinking and that you are willing to try and save the marriage if he co-operates.

We recently bought a book by the Gorman institute. Really interesting and has been helpful so far.

Something like the 7 keys to successful marriage.

My youngest has just started school so we're a bit further ahead than you in that stage, and although it's amazing having some freedom back (I'm between jobs) it also highlights that we have so little in common besides the kids! The eldest is very challenging and that has sapped most of our energy for the past few years and regularly brings me to breaking point. So it's hard to know what is a consequence of that and what is incompatibility between us iyswim? Could it be similar for you?

I'm luck to have a super proactive friend so I'm not always the one organising things but we do have to push ourselves to book things in and make the effort. Could you set aside a fortnightly evening with dh to do something together (maybe write suggestions on paper and put in a jar?) then you might feel more freed up to see friends on the evenings? If your youngest is still 2 years off school age then you're still well and truly in the thick of the hardest part in my opinion! Surviving and not going insane were the goals for that stage so go easy on yourself

If you do like books as support then I recommend one I read recently called The Rough Patch by a psychologist called Daphne de Marneffe. It made me reevaluate a few things and see others from a new perspective.

I’m not regretting divorcing (it’s taking YEARS and it’s not sorted). But my ex was abusive, adulterous and a pathological liar.

Divorce is horrible and stressful. I can’t emphasise enough how stressful the whole process is. I would argue if you still like each other then it’s better to try and work through the hard parts. And counselling is much, much cheaper than a solicitor...prob about £200 an hour cheaper...

We had morphed from spouses to siblings. We didn’t argue, still loved each other but it wasn’t enough.

We made the decision to separate before we became resentful of each other and created a toxic atmosphere for our daughter.

Almost 5 years in and I certainly don’t regret it for one minute, and I don’t believe ex-H does either. I’m single by choice with a FWB and ex has re-married. We co-parent very successfully and socialise together with his wife.

Divorce needn’t be stressful if you’re both reasonable and both on the same page.

Good luck OP with whatever decision you make

I know a couple who divorced, didn't see each other for around a couple of years. Met at a party and then remarried. Going strong now 20+ years later.
I guess they regretted it.

It was fairly similar in that they were struggling with a particular aspect, and once they'd divorced they realised actually they did love each other, but were stressed by the situation, but they assumed the other one felt differently. Once they re-met, they discussed the issues and came to a compromise.

I don't regret my divorce but if you hang in there, in your situation, it could improve. Apparently the peak time for relationships to end is when you've got a child under 5, after that life gets easier and couples get on better

Misty yes. I worry that may be the case. We met so young, I'd say he is a stressed version of the same person, I've grown and changed.

We also have an exceptionally difficult child, who has stretched us further than I thought possible.

When we are alone, we get on lovely. It's relaxed and enjoyable and easy. Of course it is a rarity! Fortnightly things sound lovely, I work shifts in a hospital which makes things harder to negotiate around once you factor in childcare too, irony is of we weren't so exhausted and spending all our money on delegating jobs and laziness (eating out lots etc!) We could probably jist about afford babysitters more regularly.

This thread has been immensely helpful. Funnily enough I was pondering the responses on my drive home and thought of an example I wish he would do for me right then and there, knowing I'd had a hard night on the wards. I knew he wouldnt..

But he had.. it was only something little.. (not accidentally locking me out and leaving the outside light on so I could see the keys) and I wondered if I focus all my frustrations and tiredness on our relentlessly busy lives and pile it onto our relationship as that's where it is safest (Or not) .. since I can't take it out at work or on the kids!

I will try harder. I will also look into the books mentioned and suggest counselling if we don't naturally find a better rhythm soon.

Thank You again. This has helped tremendously.

Littered with typos.. sorry!

Thanks for the update. You sound a lovely couple and great parents. Best wishes for 2019.

Yes, good luck for 2019. It’s so easy to lose sight of the other person as an individual and notice their positive points rather than their negative points. The mundanity of daily domestic life gets people down. (Not Going Out has been making me laugh lately, as their domestic arguments and bickering ring so true)

If you can I keep hold of that thought and realise that every couple goes through that, and that it’s just a very long temporary phase then there is hope. I do think too many couples give up these days at the first hurdle. Don’t believe anyone who says there is no need to “work at” a relationship. There is. It’s normal if you love someone to recognise that neither of you is a perfect half of the couple.