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Original poster

How would you get over the fact if not wanting to live where you are bit hsve no choice?

31 replies

Needadoughnut · 26/12/2018 16:05

I hate where I live. No friends, no family, no job opportunities. I feel like it's my prison and that I'm trapped but can't move. (DP and I have children from previous relationships so we're stuck here for the next 10-12 years). Thinking of that just makes me feel worse. My DM just tells me that I should me happy because a good man loves me. DP thinks that I'll magically find a job and that once we fall pregnant and have a baby my priorities will change and feel happy.

OP posts:
brizzledrizzle · 26/12/2018 16:55

One day at a time...find the good bits and make the most of them. It's better than being homeless.

Original poster
Needadoughnut · 26/12/2018 17:33

Thanks brizzle I actually worry that one day we'll become homeless. DP just tells me I'm being silly as we have children and the county will simply never allow it. Since I was made redundant, my salary is now about 20% of what it used to be.

OP posts:
brizzledrizzle · 26/12/2018 17:35

It's something easy to worry about when you are made redundant but with two salaries, even one lower, you'll manage through. Do you rent?

Santaisonthesherry · 26/12/2018 17:37

We moved to a place I had never been to /would not have chosen. Its taken nearly 4 years but had found stuff the dc (and me +dh) like to do here and am consciously trying to love it!! Getting there!!
After nearly being homeless it's a better option!!

LittleCandle · 26/12/2018 17:53

I lived for 30+ years in a place that I didn't like and never had a choice. DM moved me there when I was a child and then I married someone who was born there and insisted that he couldn't live anywhere else. XH now lives in Thailand...

I made an effort to make friends and I was happy sometimes, but I don't miss it at all.

Original poster
Needadoughnut · 26/12/2018 18:26

We do rent. I think when you add up our salaries we probably make around £24k a year, we have no access to benefits. He has to pay around £300 in child maintenance. Rent is £950 (it doesn't get any cheaper than that for what we need). We make around £1700 a month after tax give or take. After all bills we're left with around £350 give or take. That's supposed to cover groceries, clothing, commute/fuel expenses for a family of five. I'm really struggling... I thought that having a master's from LSE would make unemployment proof. Having a shared custody also means that I really can't have a job with a shift pattern as that would end up meaning I can't see my DD on a regular basis.

OP posts:
OoohAyyye · 26/12/2018 18:43

That sounds really tough OP. In terms of costs are you not entitled to tax credits?

Original poster
Needadoughnut · 26/12/2018 18:48

At the moment I still get child tax credits, but no work tax credits

OP posts:
Highfever · 26/12/2018 18:53

Surprised you don't get HB. How many children do you get child benefit for.

Original poster
Needadoughnut · 26/12/2018 19:01

I used to get HB before we moved in together but they took it away. I don't get any child benefit, the arrangement made with my exH is that that covers all after-school activities.

OP posts:
Original poster
Needadoughnut · 26/12/2018 19:16

To make things worse my exH can give my DD the middle class life she's used to which I can't. I resent him from bringing me here when I never wanted to. I know I hurt my DP when I say I hate it here and I can't wait to get out. He knows I sometimes think of moving somewhere else to be able to provide and that hurts him even more.

OP posts:
Rayn · 26/12/2018 19:24

I get it. However you have to look at what you have. We don't live in the area we would like to and can't move. Is it because it is a bad area?
We only have a yard and I always feel guilty for the kids as we used to have a lovely house and garden but something happened and our financial circumstances changed.
It's that time of year for reflection. Things change all the time so just keep plodding and see what next year brings. Look at what you have and not what you don't have. Cheesy but true xx

Original poster
Needadoughnut · 26/12/2018 19:28

It's not party bad. There just aren't any jobs (very high unemployment figures). Of course there are some part time jobs but that doesn't bring enough money. I tried to get a second part time job and because I had another job they wouldn't hire me. Loneliness and unemployment is a terrible mix.

OP posts:
Drogosnextwife · 26/12/2018 19:29

Thats a lot of money on rent OP. What size of house is it? Do you have all 3 kids most of the time?

Original poster
Needadoughnut · 26/12/2018 19:34

It's a 3 bed house. We have the DC half the time. The girls share and OHs boy has his own room.

OP posts:
Highfever · 26/12/2018 19:51

Yeah but whose name is Child benefit in. How many children from previous relationship?

Original poster
Needadoughnut · 26/12/2018 19:57

Mine goes to my exH, the he pays all aftrschools with it . My DPs goes to his exW.

OP posts:
ShitBag · 26/12/2018 20:11

Do you love your DP enough to stay miserable where you are?

As hard as it may be, I would probably consider spreading my wings without DP.

You don't sound particularly happy. I'm guessing you worked hard for your masters?
Do you feel DP is holding you back?

ShitBag · 26/12/2018 20:11

Ah, I've just noticed you have children from a previous relationship too... could they move with you? Are you not the resident parent?

ShitBag · 26/12/2018 20:12

Just seen you have them 50/50... I really need to read properly before I post 🙈

Highfever · 26/12/2018 20:15

If you had child benefit you prob would get HB. If you have truly shared care look into that. Clubs could just be paid 50/50?

Highfever · 26/12/2018 20:17

And if your DP has shared care why is his ex getting both chb and maintenance?

SnuggyBuggy · 26/12/2018 20:19

Sorry if this sounds judgemental but I'd think twice before bringing a new baby into this situation

Original poster
Needadoughnut · 26/12/2018 20:21

I do love my DP more like I've ever loved and he loves me in they same way. I look at him and felt extremely lucky,but sometimes that's just not enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
Needadoughnut · 26/12/2018 20:24

@highfever his DC are with us about 1/3 of the time, thus why he pays both. I actually don't pay after-schools I pay whatever child benefit won't co r and we split it 50/50

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