14 YO DS and the person he's becoming...

[SimplyVibrations]

Morning all. I am a regular but have NC because this could be outing.

I have been concerned about my 14 YO DS for a while and I am not sure what's part of being a teenager and growing up, and what is actually part of his personality.

DS has always been pretty much a dream child in that he has never given us any trouble, he's always been kind to everybody, he's been lovely to his younger sister, always top of the class academically and a very gifted musician. The worries we've always had with him, ever since he was a young child, is his lack of friends. He seems liked enough within his school cohort, but as soon as school is over, no one has ever asked to meet with him. He has appeared to be bothered by this at certain times in his life; I have always initiated all the socialising with him.

He's 14 now, in year 10 and doing exceptionally well academically, but that's about it. Despite his father and I encouraging him to try other things, it's all become a huge effort. For example, he will ask a friend round, but he'll seem happy enough to be invited or for me to make all the arrangements. I always thought that he might lack confidence so was happy to do it for him, but now I am beginning to think he just can't be bothered with people. All he does is 'show up', but will not make an effort to make things happen, won't show an interest in others, sometimes it seems he just wants to get back to his computer.

He will happily spend all his time in his room by himself, headphones on, on his phone or computer, not interacting with anyone, including his family. I now again, this is probably not that unusual.

A couple of years ago we became quite concerned about his lack of social life so we enrolled him at a prestigious (and expensive) Saturday music school hoping that he would be able to play in bands, orchestras, etc and have a social life through music. This hasn't happened. He seems quite passive about the whole thing. He is, according to him, very happy to attend Saturday music school and he says he loves it, but he never tells us anything about it, he doesn't do any music practice between lessons (completely unacceptable, we're talking grade 8 in one instruments and 5 in another 2), and again, seems happy to just 'show up' but without further input or effort from him.

It appears that there's an older girl at the music school that he seems to like. We are pleased he's made a friend but she is 16 years old, and we've come to realise that she's probably the only incentive for him to continue going to Saturday music school. They don't play music together, they just meet at the canteen. I have started to think that we are flogging a dead horse here. DS will simply not practice between lessons, we're paying a fortune for his music lessons but he's not fulfilling his part of the bargain, which from our point of view is to practice and get involved in things happening outside lessons. He seems to just go through the motions and again, simply 'shows up' but doesn't invest in any other way.

DS doesn't exercise at all, doesn't try to join in any extra curricular activities at his school, this is including music which would be so easy for him. He has no get up an go, no oomph, no initiative. Money is not an incentive, he pretty much has everything he wants;

We've come to the conclusion that we need to give notice at Saturday music school as it's too much money to pay just for lessons, if he's not going to get involved in everything else. DS will be mighty pissed off about this, but I feel it's because he won't get to see this other girl, and nothing to do with the music.

I find it hurtful that DS is happy to have his father and I making sacrifices for him in terms of the cost of the school but also getting up really early on Saturdays to take him to the train station, picking him up, making his lunches... He just doesn't care.

We have given him many many ultimatums, as in, 'DS, if you don't pick up your instruments between lessons we'll stop paying for your instruments, music school, transport, etc;. He then assures us that he's going to do it, we come up with a plan, a chart, a list with tick boxes, you name it, but he won't follow through, ever. This has been going on for nearly two years.

I feel the constant nagging of my son to practice has damaged my relationship with him. I would continue 'supporting' this if I felt he was getting something out of it, emotionally, socially, etc, but it appears he just wants to see this girl. If we stop Saturday music school DS will literally have nothing in his life beyond school, and even at school he's not involved in anything beyond lessons.

I would really appreciate thoughts from you lot as I honestly don't know what to do for the best. Thank you if you have read this long rambling mess.

You sound like a wonderful and caring parent. I would try to relax and enjoy the ride a little more. Enjoy your boy for who he is. Let him carry on his music class. If he is doing well at school and with his music, things could be a lot worse. Perhaps offer a few more 'Mum and Son' activities. My lad is a little younger that's yours and has to be forced to leave his X Box, but even he will jump at the chance for lunch in Nando's!!

but simplyvibrations, look on the bright side....even with being 'painfully shy' introverts both you and DH managed to find each other, have a lovely family, and (I assume, from the stress you place on the following) have strong careers, hobbies you are passionate about and committed to, and lots of good friends you see regularly. If you don't have these things but are still happy then why are you so determined they are necessary for your son?

Perhaps he'll grow up to be more sociable...or perhaps he'll never be the life and soul of the party, but in twenty years will have a partner he loves, maybe some children and a few good friends and be very happy. Perhaps he won't have the amazing career or be a professional musician, in the way his talents meant he could have achieved (and seem to be what you want), perhaps he will just have a job that pays the bills and will play guitar for a few hours by himself to chill out...but that's okay! You sound like a great mum who, as you say, just wants your ds to be happy - so listen to him when he tells you what makes him happy!

DS was a bit like this. He liked having friends round and going to their homes when he felt like it but often preferred to do stuff alone, particularly playing computer games which, now as an adult, he still loves. He would rather be on his own than do something he didn't want to do.

I'm not sure many teenagers have a 'being appreciative' or grateful mode when it comes to their parents and the efforts they put in to give them the best opportunities and experiences. Sometimes it feels like it's the parent that is supposed to feel grateful for them agreeing to be involved at all.

When your child has been easy to raise up to this point it's bound to be difficult for you to accept he isn't as compliant as you would like or are used to. I know how it feels but it's just part of them growing up. You won't always like his friends or indeed girlfriends but they are his to choose and you should only step in if you feel they are having a truly detrimental effect on him and his future.

Perhaps relax a bit, step back and allow him to grow. He sounds a lovely lad. Be grateful for all the positives and accept the odd negative along the way.

From the title of your thread I thought you were going to be describing some kind of juvenile delinquent! He sounds a perfectly normal teenage boy. Why not tell him he needs to take on a bit more responsibility e.g. he has to make his own lunch to take to the school, and to make his own way there and back. Do a bit less for him and let him experience the natural consequences. He’ll be fine.

simply you do sound worried but he isn't the finished article yet. Every year from now is a big chunk of his life to date and will give him chance to develop.

I think we hope with lots of supportive, involved parenting, our kids won't have difficulties we struggled with. But of course they do, especially when they have similar temperaments.

You are choosing to support his musical talent. If he was good at mountain biking you might be spending heaps of money on kit and weekends driving to races. It's your choice. Grade 8 and grade 5 x2 is a big achievement at 14.

I have a young adult DC who refused to do grade 8 even though they are talented but they are a musician and always will be and now enjoys playing and singing in the community, listens to all sorts of music and watches all kinds of live stuff. So has really benefited from the musical education we provided at great expense is terms of cash and time.

Interestingly they are quiet and had older friends at orchestra and never really enjoyed it as much once they left for uni.

It's hard not to fret but he sounds great. We try to engage in relentless positivity, trying as much as possible to encourage them whilst accepting who they are if that makes sense.

Sister of two brothers. He sounds so normal.

The human brain doesn't stop developing until mid-20s. He has plenty of time to grow up and into himself. :)

Don't stop music school. I went to one of those and had just one friend. I still loved going there and stayed till I was 16. I hardly practiced either. Its not essential and I bet he practices when an exam is coming up. You can take comfort in the knowledge that playing music together develops lots of useful skills, co-operation, listening, creativity, self-expression and even mathematical ability.

He sounds like an intelligent, well-behaved teenager

You mean well OP but yes I think this is totally normal and there's nothing more to it.

It's often said that teenagers are so ungrateful, and it's true, but parents are often ungrateful as well. Every parent thinks they have the laziest, most annoying, selfish, badly behaved teen but often the "crimes" are things like what OP has described. Doing very well in school but not top of the class, great at music but could practise more, well behaved but too much time on screens. No of course teens shouldn't be getting lauded for basic things like going to school, not drinking, not committing crimes, etc, our expectations shouldn't be that low, but as parents we do have to keep some perspective.

I also clicked on thread expecting it to be that he was going off the rails.
My DD is like this. Prefers to do stuff alone. I have tried but she just isn't that sociable. Rarely gets invited places. I feel bad for her. But she seems happy and we don't have any friendship issues like falling outs.
I used to play music at that age and did no practise in between lessons. He must be good to reach that level.
Please don't cancel his Saturday group. It sounds like he enjoys it. Teenagers aren't programmed to be grateful. He would be gutted from what you have said.

He sounds like a normal teen.
Sorry to put this so bluntly but ime the parents I've seen have the worst time of the teenage years are the most controlling ones. You need to stop managing his life, take a step back and let him start to make his own decisions. Your role as parent to a teen is more of a mentor now.

He sounds like nearly all 14 year old boys. They don’t tend to “make plans” and socialise like that - they kind of hang out and live life moment to moment.

He won’t appreciate what you do for him in a bowing and scraping way. He will do one day but not now. He will always have untapped potential “I could have been someone” “well so could anyone!”

Accept that he is Good Enough. That’s all he needs to be. He doesn’t need to be brilliant in every area. I’d leave him be. Ask him if he wants to carry on at the music school. Don’t put in place sticker charts and terms and conditions.

I also think you should tell him how proud you are of what he has accomplished and that despite all the temptations of life as a teen he has avoided them all.

Jesus your post has given me the creeps; reminding me of my childhood. My Dad once yelled at me for watching daytime tv in the holidays because I should be practising one of my instruments or reading the book he'd bought me that week (Teach yourself Classical Greek)

If he's doing well academically and attending the lessons and you can afford it, just leave him to it and keep the lines of communication open. You sound quite hard work. Either pay for this kind of shit and let me do it or don't.

I think you need to take a bit of a step back.. poor boy is only 14... no 14 year olds really understand or appreciate what their parents do for them. You sound very anxious about it and that obviously stems from love but have you considered that this anxiety could come across as expectation and pressure? And these things are not likely to make a shy teen step up.. they are likely to make him more withdrawn and passive. If he feels like he is not capable or does not wish to achieve the seemingly quite specific standards you have set for him then hes very likely to just check out of the situation emotionally.

14 is very very young and it sounds like he is clever, talented and keeps himself pretty much out of trouble, theres plenty of time for him to develop genuine passions and ambitions but he needs space and time to do that. You cannot force self motivation on someone it will have the opposite effect.

I personally would not remove him from the music school if he says he wants to attend. You need to be consistent and not withdraw things like that just because he is not responding entirely how you wanted him to. I'd understand if he had behaved badly but it just sounds as though it's not planned out exactly as you had hoped. Put yourself in his shoes there... his mum is threatening to stop him from going to something because he has not made the social connections or developed the personal commitment to it that she had hoped. Would you not feel you had no volition if you were him and would you not feel personally disliked? I mean those things you are hoping for him are personal emotional things, I understand you are coming from a place of wanting to help him but it does come across as slightly invasive and controlling. I dont mean that as an insult because clearly it's not your intention to be controlling, you are just worried about his future, but none the less I do think withdrawing him from the music school because he has not made the right type of friend nor developed the right type of enthusiasm for music will come across as controlling and not actually be helpful in getting him more connected with the world.

I think you should take a step back and give him a chance to develop a bit more before you start getting anxious. Hes just a touch withdrawn and passive but hes also very young and it's pretty normal for his age.