Morning all. I am a regular but have NC because this could be outing.
I have been concerned about my 14 YO DS for a while and I am not sure what's part of being a teenager and growing up, and what is actually part of his personality.
DS has always been pretty much a dream child in that he has never given us any trouble, he's always been kind to everybody, he's been lovely to his younger sister, always top of the class academically and a very gifted musician. The worries we've always had with him, ever since he was a young child, is his lack of friends. He seems liked enough within his school cohort, but as soon as school is over, no one has ever asked to meet with him. He has appeared to be bothered by this at certain times in his life; I have always initiated all the socialising with him.
He's 14 now, in year 10 and doing exceptionally well academically, but that's about it. Despite his father and I encouraging him to try other things, it's all become a huge effort. For example, he will ask a friend round, but he'll seem happy enough to be invited or for me to make all the arrangements. I always thought that he might lack confidence so was happy to do it for him, but now I am beginning to think he just can't be bothered with people. All he does is 'show up', but will not make an effort to make things happen, won't show an interest in others, sometimes it seems he just wants to get back to his computer.
He will happily spend all his time in his room by himself, headphones on, on his phone or computer, not interacting with anyone, including his family. I now again, this is probably not that unusual.
A couple of years ago we became quite concerned about his lack of social life so we enrolled him at a prestigious (and expensive) Saturday music school hoping that he would be able to play in bands, orchestras, etc and have a social life through music. This hasn't happened. He seems quite passive about the whole thing. He is, according to him, very happy to attend Saturday music school and he says he loves it, but he never tells us anything about it, he doesn't do any music practice between lessons (completely unacceptable, we're talking grade 8 in one instruments and 5 in another 2), and again, seems happy to just 'show up' but without further input or effort from him.
It appears that there's an older girl at the music school that he seems to like. We are pleased he's made a friend but she is 16 years old, and we've come to realise that she's probably the only incentive for him to continue going to Saturday music school. They don't play music together, they just meet at the canteen. I have started to think that we are flogging a dead horse here. DS will simply not practice between lessons, we're paying a fortune for his music lessons but he's not fulfilling his part of the bargain, which from our point of view is to practice and get involved in things happening outside lessons. He seems to just go through the motions and again, simply 'shows up' but doesn't invest in any other way.
DS doesn't exercise at all, doesn't try to join in any extra curricular activities at his school, this is including music which would be so easy for him. He has no get up an go, no oomph, no initiative. Money is not an incentive, he pretty much has everything he wants;
We've come to the conclusion that we need to give notice at Saturday music school as it's too much money to pay just for lessons, if he's not going to get involved in everything else. DS will be mighty pissed off about this, but I feel it's because he won't get to see this other girl, and nothing to do with the music.
I find it hurtful that DS is happy to have his father and I making sacrifices for him in terms of the cost of the school but also getting up really early on Saturdays to take him to the train station, picking him up, making his lunches... He just doesn't care.
We have given him many many ultimatums, as in, 'DS, if you don't pick up your instruments between lessons we'll stop paying for your instruments, music school, transport, etc;. He then assures us that he's going to do it, we come up with a plan, a chart, a list with tick boxes, you name it, but he won't follow through, ever. This has been going on for nearly two years.
I feel the constant nagging of my son to practice has damaged my relationship with him. I would continue 'supporting' this if I felt he was getting something out of it, emotionally, socially, etc, but it appears he just wants to see this girl. If we stop Saturday music school DS will literally have nothing in his life beyond school, and even at school he's not involved in anything beyond lessons.
I would really appreciate thoughts from you lot as I honestly don't know what to do for the best. Thank you if you have read this long rambling mess.