Son finds it difficult having posh and not posh sides to the family?

[arrian]

Hello, hope you are all having a good christmas. Just had an interesting conversation with 18 yo ds in the car home from relatives.

He was saying he finds it really difficult having two very different sides to the family
. I think it’s exaggerated, or more obvious by the fact that he saw both my family and dh family today.

I was brought up on a council estate, went off to university, got myself a fairly good professional job. I am much better off now than when I was growing up. My sisters didn’t move from the town.
My parents are both very through and through normal caring working class.

My DS adores his grandparents, but complains they’re a bit boring sometimes. They’re your stereotypical northern, ex-miner brexit voter. Even in my view, quite close minded, but still lovely as family.

DH on the other hand has had a very different upbringing. He went to a top boarding school, and comes from a family that has always had a fair amount of money. His family are very educated, professionals and spread all over the world.

My DS is more like my husband, as he was brought up in a stable home in a nice area and we both had decent jobs. He is currently at Cambridge, following the foot steps of many of his paternal family members and so has a good topic to chat about.

In my eyes, I’d deffo say that DH was a posh git.

My son has told me that he finds it difficult moving from one social setting to the next.

He gets funny looks from my side if he uses a long word, drinks wine, or offers an opinion on something in the news etc. They’ll make half joking comments about him being posh. My dh plays it down completely, and imitates their behavior.
Yet my son said it’s not fair that he should put a false face on.

Don’t get me wrong, he has a great laugh with my family, yet says they’re “boring” and finds conversation to be quite uninteresting; “sandra from the shop is going to Salou, she said it’s lovely”.

It doesn’t help that my parents hate my in laws with a passion, as they think they’re snooty, and will always have more money to spend on gifts, meals out.

I agree limited

When I came home from university, I very much became aware that my middle-class parents had quite a narrow range of conversation. It was very factual. 'I went to X'. 'I saw Y'. 'Item Z is worn out and we have to replace it'. At university, I'd got used to conversation that was much more speculative and playful - and I found this kind of conversation had all sorts of interesting possibilities.

I don't want to burst your bubble HarrietSmith but that is more about being middle-aged than middle class.

If you are still closer to going 'Ooh!' at staying out all night rather than 'Oof' when getting off the settee, good luck to you and enjoy yourself while it lasts.

If not, then I don't know what to suggest.

"I don't want to burst your bubble HarrietSmith but that is more about being middle-aged than middle class."

This ^^
At university you are full of idealistic ideas and you think you can set the world on fire. By the time you are old enough to have children at university reality has set in. I would like to think that I am not set in my ways at 60, but I am not the best judge of that.

I don't think the gap is between idealistic students and realistic middle-aged people. I think the gap is between people who enjoy debate and exploring ideas - and those who think doing so is stuck up and pointless.

Interesting Harriet. I don't think it is fair to assume that people over 40 only talk about mundane everyday things.

We were having a lively debate at a friend's house yesterday. No-one was under 55.

You can get inverse snobbery too. Dh got quite abit of unpleasant “who do you think you are” type comments from his uncles as a young man. He hadn’t said anything it was their issue entirely - they struggled with him going to Cambridge as no one else in their family had been to university let alone a top one.

No, I think people of all ages can be lively conversationalists. But I only realised this properly when I left home - though I had a few earlier glimpses of families where there was animated talk at mealtimes etc.

I think people are being harsh saying your son is being snobby but also it's important for him to develop his interpersonal skills enough to be comfortable with a range of people from different backgrounds. I work alongside people who have been brought up in such a bubble they can't engage with anyone unless they are white and middle class, it's a hindrance I think. Part of being successful in many occupations is to be able to engage with anyone in a variety of contexts.

ButFirstTea

Ah those "stereotypical" northerners who can't understand long words and never drink wine eh?

Poster has shot herself in the foot. Ha

Is this gem for real?! 😆If so, comedy gold!

When I came home from university, I very much became aware that my middle-class parents had quite a narrow range of conversation. It was very factual. 'I went to X'. 'I saw Y'. 'Item Z is worn out and we have to replace it'. At university, I'd got used to conversation that was much more speculative and playful - and I found this kind of conversation had all sorts of interesting possibilities.

It is real. When I was a child my father only really talked about what he wanted to watch on TV. My mother would talk about if she'd met anyone at the shops and who wanted a second helping. If my brother and I said anything we were mostly told to shut up because my father thought meals should be eaten in silence. It was a miserable childhood which left me with very little idea that people was supposed to be interested in one another and that conversation could be serious and/or funny and open up new worlds.

I'm off to York soon. If I drink wine, will I have curious northerners around me, wondering what it is?

You'll be beaten. And then when you're lying on the floor with a black eye and broken leg someone will pour a pint of black sheep over you.

And this why the class system needs/ought to be abolished

Contrary how would you go about abolishing it?

badlad no you will be ok. York Harrogate ripon all quite posh.

And this why the class system needs/ought to be abolished

So what do you suggest? Perhaps force feeding Puligny Montrachet to anyone whose usual tipple is less sophisticated? Banning BBC4 in the households of anyone who holds a degree? Sending those whose usual holiday destination is Salou skiing in the Alps and the skiers to Benidorm?

Wow! We all have to be able to mix and communicate with people from all backgrounds throughout life! Even if he ends up in a very high powered top job somewhere, he will still have to communicate with the people employed in lower positions in his company! He will come across like a complete twat if he doesn't!
This reminds me of someone I worked with - a trainee doctor, thinking of themselves as god's gift! Spoke to the nurses and admin staff like an arrogant sod! Didn't get any job offers after training! Funny!

I don't think the gap is between idealistic students and realistic middle-aged people. I think the gap is between people who enjoy debate and exploring ideas - and those who think doing so is stuck up and pointless.

I completely agree with this - and it relates to WC/MC too. DH's group of mates at the pub range from bricklayer to PhD level in terms of education, but they all get on great because they're interested in the world. It's all 'Did you read/hear this?' and tying strands of information together. Anyone can do it, but it does seem that when MC people do it in the company of WC people who don't then the word 'snob' is pretty frequently (inaccurately) applied. It's not fair but here we all are.

I also agree with Harriet's thoughts on conversation

This taring of brexit voters as relatively uneducated really annoys me.

I'm well educated and come from a well educated family.

I regularly look at the goings on in the European Parliament on youtube and see how undemocratic it is and how naive many of the members appear to be. I am a Brexiteer, and I feel I have damned good reasons for it.

I wonder how many of the 'educated' remainers who trash the Brexiteers have wised up as to really goes on in the European Parliament and how much power dear ol' Junker and Merkel have. They might be shocked.

You will be fine badladYork Uni is full of posh Southerners who put it as their second choice and didn’t quite get the grades for Oxford or Cambridge ( well th English dept was back in my day anyway)
It WAS my first choice and I got a lot of baffled “so you put this as your FIRST choice?”during Freshers week

I'm not posh but objectively if you don't know Sandra then her holiday destination is less than riveting conversation 😁

Somebody get the telly on, no conversation required, problem sorted.

P.S OP I suspect when you had the conversation with your son his feelings were hurt from being teased. I'd see if he still feels the same way in a couple of days.

I thought Durham was the second choice after Oxbridge Hoppinggreen.

We live an hour away from York, and DD didn't like the university at all.

I'm off to York soon. If I drink wine, will I have curious northerners around me, wondering what it is?

You'll be burned at the stake for witchcraft.

I can tell you from experience that Newcastle University has a good proportion of “posh” students. They have a big Agricuiture dept, which attracts a lot of wealthy, land-owning folk. Also big Classics, Law and Medicine depts, which have some pull to wealthier types with high A level grades, which tends to mean privately educated. But the Agrics is where the poshness is concentrated.

I’m a southerner, but state educated and skint. I studied civil engineering. Not very posh.