Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Fed up of being told off for parenting my child.

60 replies

Catoffthetree · 25/12/2018 21:16

I need to vent as it’s not worth an argument with OH and I’m aware I’m being over sensitive. Let’s start with saying I hate Christmas, aways have and I imagine I always will. I’m not a family person either and am NC with most of my own, families make me uncomfortable.

I wanted to spend Xmas day by myself with DD5 but OH who is spending the day with his family (who he is very close to) begged me to go and see them all this afternoon. I know how much it meant to him so said we would show our faces. We’ve been together 2 years but I don’t see his family much and DD has only met them in passing. I’ve spent the morning near enough in tears dreading going around. DD is lively to say the least, and made herself comfortable straight away - within 5 minutes of her arrival she was pinballing around the living room and was starting to bounce on the seatee. I definitely didn’t shout, if anything it was a very passive comment to her not to start jumping on it, to which OH’s mother sniped at me ‘she can do what she likes, do not tell her off’. No, she is my child and she cannot do what she likes if it involves being disrespectful to other people’s property and acting dangerously. I’ve definitely took the comment to heart and had a cry over it this afternoon once I was home, I was in a place I was VERY uncomfortable being and didn’t deserve to be spoken to like that. I’ve now gone from having no issue, bar my own discomfort, with my MIL to never wanting to be in her presence again.

It’s not the first time I’ve had it - I’ve had old ladies in shops and cafes tell me to stop telling her off when she’s acted dangerously (think spinning around people carrying full tea pots) and at the end of the day, they don’t have to live with a very wilful child who would frankly run feral given 1 minute of non supervision. Why do strangers feel they can undermine you and make comments on your parenting??

Comment aside, this is probably the okist Xmas we’ve had.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 25/12/2018 21:19

It sounds like your looking for problems with her tbh. Your attitude to family is odd and is going to cause issues.

Original poster
Catoffthetree · 25/12/2018 21:22

I’m not looking for problems with her?? OH is incredibly close to her, I actively do not want a problem with her.

My attitude to family is ‘odd’ because I grow up in care and was very knowingly not wanted by anyone. So thank you.

OP posts:
Armi · 25/12/2018 21:23

With regards to your OH’s mother, my MIL can be like this. I just say, cheerily, ‘I know but I’m a mean mother and won’t let her. So, tell me how your ingrowing toenail is....’ and rattle on about something else.

In reference to the spinnng around with hot liquids, she shouldn’t be doing it so I’m with the ‘old ladies’.

Try not to take it all so personally.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Wolfiefan · 25/12/2018 21:27

You’re not a family person and families make you uncomfortable? But you have a partner and a daughter. So you have a family. You need to deal with your issues.
Never wanting to see her again? Sounds like a major overreaction. You were crying too? She shouldn’t undermine you but it sounds like she was trying to put you at your ease by saying not to rein in your child on her account.

Thehogfatherstolemycurry · 25/12/2018 21:27

She was probably just being polite, could see you were on edge anyway and didn't want you to feel thet you had to have your child on best behaviour. I think you might have been stressed about the situation anyway and took it a bit to heart.
I have a bouncy child and feel I need to keep her in check, people say things like oh she's fine honest - it's not a criticism they just want you to feel you can be at ease in their home a bit.

thewinkingprawn · 25/12/2018 21:28

Only you can know how much you tell her off - I have friends who do it constantly with their children, preempting potential bad behaviour sometimes before anything has actually happened. It’s quite wearing. You might not be in this camp but I sometimes want to say just give them a break they are only 3, 4, 5, whatever.... obviously bad behaviour should not go unremarked upon!

GreenDinosaur · 25/12/2018 21:29

I know what you mean OP, my MIL is constantly snapping, "He's fine, let him explore!" when I follow my boisterous 2yr old around her house which is filled with delicate glass and china at enticingly grabable height.
Ffs, I'm trying to keep my DC and your ornaments safe, I'm being a responsible parent!

I don't expect people to childproof their houses and I am teaching my DC not to touch but it's a work in progress and he needs watching not just leaving to do as he pleases. Hmm

Original poster
Catoffthetree · 25/12/2018 21:31

What I meant about the old ladies is that they’ve told me off for telling DD off for the spinning - just noticed it doesn’t read well. The typical ‘oh she’s just havin fun/don’t tell her off’ comments.

I think I’ve took it so personally because I was so awkward and tense anyway. She’s never been around me and DD in that capacity and straight away made a quip. Like I said, I know I’m being overly sensitive

OP posts:
Sirzy · 25/12/2018 21:33

Why aren’t you letting her have a relationship with her geandaughter?

Shelby2010 · 25/12/2018 21:33

I agree with hogfather, I think she was trying to make you feel at home & that they were happy to welcome your dd. How much worse would it have been if she had agreed with you that dd was behaving badly or told her off herself?

Meaning this kindly, but I think you need to get some counselling before your issues impact on dd.

PattiStanger · 25/12/2018 21:34

No one ever made a comment on my parenting to my face, if multiple people have said something to you then maybe you do need to think about whether something in your manner or tone is off.

Birdsgottafly · 25/12/2018 21:34

Why has your DD only met her Family "in passing"?

It's really unfair of you to pass on your issues to her and limit her because of them.

Would you have been happy for your OH to take her by himself so you could relax at home?

Drogonssmile · 25/12/2018 21:36

I know exactly what you mean OP. I get it with my MIL about DS1 "oh leave him alone, he's only 5" etc when I am trying to parent him. I feel it undermines me and I hate it but I have learnt to bite my tongue because it isn't worth me getting wound up or having an argument with DH about.

SexNotJenga · 25/12/2018 21:36

Based on what you've said, I think she was trying to make you feel welcome.

colditz · 25/12/2018 21:36

If you’re being repeatedly told off by strangers for the way you speak to your child, you may need to have a rethink. It could be that you really are unpleasant to listen to.

Srsly · 25/12/2018 21:36

I get this too from my DM.

He will go to grab a biscuit without asking, or jump on the sofa and I'll say no. She will undermine me and say it's fine. Every time.

It's not fine though, because for weeks afterwards he will then question why he can't do it at home, or try to do so anyway, leading to me telling him off as it's dangerous/unhealthy/rude and a tantrum ensues.

It's wearing.

I feel he should have clear expecations of behaviour when he is with me. When I'm not around, it's different. He too is very willfull and stubborn.

GunpowderGelatine · 25/12/2018 21:36

I feel a bit sorry for your OH having to beg his partner to spend Christmas with his family. It's quite unusual for families to make people uncomfortable. Do you suffer from anxiety?

WRT your MIL sometimes we just have to brush things off, there's so much with my MIL I let slide, and I do it by completely ignoring what she's said. I think you over reacted TBH.

Moussemoose · 25/12/2018 21:38

Did your dd have a nice time, did she enjoy herself?

Did your dd notice you nearly crying all morning?

As a parent the day is not all about you, you have to suck stuff up for the sake of your child.

Also, doesn't sound like MiL was being awful, she might have just been telling you not to worry.

GunpowderGelatine · 25/12/2018 21:38

I've had strangers tell me off for correcting my children's behaviour though and they can piss off - I'll never see them again, nosey buggers.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 25/12/2018 21:38

What I meant about the old ladies

Hmm

Your reactions are way OTT

OoohAyyye · 25/12/2018 21:38

I understood your post OP and yes it is undermining imo. My friend's parents are the same with how she parents her son and it causes her a lot of frustration at times.

I do think you are being sensitive but it sounds like you are aware of that. Perhaps your MIL is trying to build a relationship with your DD and wants her to feel completely comfortable, although it shouldn't be at the cost of how you discipline etc.

Original poster
Catoffthetree · 25/12/2018 21:40

You’re not a family person and families make you uncomfortable? But you have a partner and a daughter. So you have a family. You need to deal with your issues.

I didn’t realise me having a shitty family of my own growing up and not being brought up in correct dynamics means I can’t be ok within my own made family. I know I have issues, thanks Hmm

I definitely preempt bad behaviour - DD isn’t SEN but she does have a lot of one and one in school as she’s ‘boisterous’ to put it politely, she’s a walking hurricane. I think a lot of you are right in that she was probably trying to make me feel comfortable in her house, she’s not been very well and maybe she’s coming across sharper than it was intended.

OP posts:
museumum · 25/12/2018 21:42

Your mil could probably see you were tense and was trying to put you at ease saying it was ok if dd was a bit high spirited.
I can understand why you may be sensitive but really you need to somehow learn how families work and that you should be happy your mil is trying to reach out and welcome you in.

MummySharkDoDo · 25/12/2018 21:43

I say this gently but in five children I’ve not been told off by a stranger for speaking to them. I’ve had some light heartedly ‘oh let them it’s christmas’ or ‘oh it’s fine’ comments but never anything else.

Could your tenseness be coming through in your tone or facial expression and is causing people to try and defend her? Is she sweet and cute and people want to indulge her? Maybe receive her actions differently?

I think you need to not only evaluate others, but reflect a bit on how you move forward yourself. Your daughter has a lifetime of family interaction ahead and you want to teach her to have happy healthy family life. You’ve had a hard start, but with a child you need to be very proactive in supporting them, even when you are stressed.

Personally, I’d try to develop some relationships with family without dd present, just a coffee or even a chat. It’ll then be easier managing the dynamic with your child present if you know how they tick. They won’t be perfect, like all families, but if you rub up ok everyone benefits

Birdsgottafly · 25/12/2018 21:43

Why doesn't your DD see her Family much?