Fed up of being told off for parenting my child.

[Catoffthetree]

I need to vent as it’s not worth an argument with OH and I’m aware I’m being over sensitive. Let’s start with saying I hate Christmas, aways have and I imagine I always will. I’m not a family person either and am NC with most of my own, families make me uncomfortable.

I wanted to spend Xmas day by myself with DD5 but OH who is spending the day with his family (who he is very close to) begged me to go and see them all this afternoon. I know how much it meant to him so said we would show our faces. We’ve been together 2 years but I don’t see his family much and DD has only met them in passing. I’ve spent the morning near enough in tears dreading going around. DD is lively to say the least, and made herself comfortable straight away - within 5 minutes of her arrival she was pinballing around the living room and was starting to bounce on the seatee. I definitely didn’t shout, if anything it was a very passive comment to her not to start jumping on it, to which OH’s mother sniped at me ‘she can do what she likes, do not tell her off’. No, she is my child and she cannot do what she likes if it involves being disrespectful to other people’s property and acting dangerously. I’ve definitely took the comment to heart and had a cry over it this afternoon once I was home, I was in a place I was VERY uncomfortable being and didn’t deserve to be spoken to like that. I’ve now gone from having no issue, bar my own discomfort, with my MIL to never wanting to be in her presence again.

It’s not the first time I’ve had it - I’ve had old ladies in shops and cafes tell me to stop telling her off when she’s acted dangerously (think spinning around people carrying full tea pots) and at the end of the day, they don’t have to live with a very wilful child who would frankly run feral given 1 minute of non supervision. Why do strangers feel they can undermine you and make comments on your parenting??

Comment aside, this is probably the okist Xmas we’ve had.

Op, be gentle on yourself. As a care experienced adult your expectation of family is bound to be different to other people who had secure surroundings.

It sounds like your MIL was trying to make your dd feel at home and, clumsily, trying to make you relax. My MIL repeatedly says “there is nothing in this house more precious than the bairns” whenever I leap in to remove an ornament from their hands or stop them leaping around. I suspect it is meant with kindness.

I do wonder about your frequent experiences of people asking you not to scold your daughter so much. Are you terribly anxious when you are both out? I agree that whirling around in a cafe is poor behaviour and you need to stop it. In that instance I would ignore anyone who commented unless maybe your voice was a tad too loud, a bit fraught? Are people trying to put you at your ease?

Your daughter will likely benefit from having a warm and loving family around her. Try not to let this get inthe way of that

I think some people haven’t read the details - I’ve been with OH 2 years and DD is 5, she isn’t his. He is brilliant with her but she has a dad and family from his side, I’m not withholding her from my partner of 2 years family......and OH is no where near close enough to be taking her alone for a few hours.

DD didn’t see me crying, she’s had a brilliant day and has been spoilt rotten, unless you count the tantrum about not eating an entire tub of chocolate in one sitting. Yes I suffer from anxiety, first time I met his parents was for a meal and I ended up having a panic attack then had to leave early.

And for the comments about my tone with DD, I’m talking a handful of times things have been said, it’s not constant barrage from strangers about how I speak to her. If I’m going to tell my child off for running around boiling water or purposely tripping me up I’m not going to do the weary ‘oh don’t do thaaaat’

So your dd had a brilliant day and was spoilt rotten. She has built relationships with people who will like her and care for her.

Sounds like lots of positives to me.

Ok... what do you want from this thread?
Validation? Being told to carry on the same?
I think people have replied with advice as you don’t come across as in a happy place. If you are sure all your actions are correct and are set on a course, they just carry on as you are.
Personally though I often find myself having to step back and reflect a bit on others input on parenting, it helps. I understand though other times people just want to sound off and be listened to.

I definitely get fraught with her. She has no concept of personal space and is as clumbsy as it comes. She’s broken 2 of my toes and her dad’s nose before yet has somehow managed 5 years unscathed. She’s an ignorant livewire most of the time but she is the most generous, polite and kind hearted child I’ve ever known.

I did the thread to vent (because I know I’m overreacting and its totally not worth bringing up with OH) and to see how other people react to having strangers comment on their discipline, not to have my parenting or family relationships picked apart. Should’ve posted in 30 days.

She sounds awesome and hard work in the best way. And you know her best.

I get you are probably feeling really highly strung/emotional about being forced into an uncomfortable situation which then went wrong for you.

Is that the crux of it?

You know you have issues? So what are you doing in order to avoid passing them to your child?

OP would you have been ok with her saying "oh it's fine she can jump on the sofa" - we're a house that allows sofa jumping (fuck it, we think, let them be kids) and I always say this in a 'don't worry about it' kind of way. Is it the tone or the words she used, or both?

Oh sorry. I have just cross posts and probably upset you more.

I think your actual point for posting is fair enough and anyone who actually reads the thread

So what are you doing in order to avoid passing them to your child

Really? OP was in foster care FFS, do you think she can switch it off like a light?

OP don't answer their question. I don't know who some posters think they are demanding to know such personal things

I’m not demanding. I don’t need to know. But the OP “hates” Christmas and doesn’t do families (yet is in one.) She owes it to her child to do whatever it takes to deal with those issues. It’s not a simple process but it’s unfair not to.

She was probably just being polite, could see you were on edge anyway and didn't want you to feel thet you had to have your child on best behaviour. I think you might have been stressed about the situation anyway and took it a bit to heart.
I have a bouncy child and feel I need to keep her in check, people say things like oh she's fine honest - it's not a criticism they just want you to feel you can be at ease in their home a bit.

I do agree with this.
One of my dc was an absolute whirlwind, and I would regularly sometimes get comments like this. I totally understood though that people were trying to let me know they understood ds was "a bit of a livewire". I would still make sure he wasn't running around a cafe or bouncing on someone else's furniture, and would comments like a pp suggested about "me being harsh" in a lighthearted tone and distract, distract, distract.
It is incredibly hard work, so you do need to take care of yourself and perhaps work on your self esteem and anxiety so you can enjoy time with other people sometimes and not be so tense.

Op you have had an unnecessarily hard time on this thread. You’ve said very clearly that your background is hard.

I think mil was out of line. But maybe she’s looking for a fight like 90% of people on this thread!

@Passmethecrisps pretty much hit the nail on the head. I’ve had family apologise before for thinking I have no patience then they look after her and see how frustrating she can be. She’s on 110% the whole time she’s awake. She not nasty or particularly naughty, she’s just incredibly full on and in her own world, luckily she’s a lot better during the holidays when school routine isn’t warrented.

@Wolfiefan had too much wine tonight, hun? Well for a start she’s not in care already, hasn’t been abused in any way, she’s not told daily that no one loves her or wants her and has full support from me and her father who are amicable rather than us pitting her against each other, good enough? Not sure where youve got the information I haven’t had help with my issues, you can still go through counselling/medication and still not be totally OK. Yes I hate Christmas, but I still make an effort and have done all the traditional crap for her sake today and every year since she was born. She calls me the grinch yet she’s still had a brilliant day so I can’t have fucked up that much.

Wow. Attitude much? Nope. Not on the wine. Many people have a really tough start. But they keep trying things to try and make it better so the next generation doesn’t suffer for the shit they went through. You need to be able to cope with normal interaction. Brush off daft comments from strangers and not take everything to heart. But if you think how you’re acting now is ok then I don’t know what you want from this thread.

So many people not reading the OP properly🙈 happens so much these days, what is the point in commenting if you haven’t read the OP properly? The DD isn’t the partner’s! The old ladies said NOT to tell her off!🙄

@BackforGood glad I’m not the only one! I know plenty of people who get commented on, I also know people who have been told to ‘control’ their child so I guess I’d rather be told off for being too strict. I usually brush the comments off (May have told teapot lady i’ll Just let DD get 2nd degree burns then) but today is already tough and coming from MIL I really don’t want her thinking I’m a bitch/undermining my parenting within 5 mins of observing it. I honestly felt mortified.

If she had just said ‘oh she’s fine to do it’ I wouldn’t have been too bothered, it’s the ‘don’t tell her off’ snipe that’s put me out. I’m bloody 29, I don’t like being spoken to like a child.

@BendydickCuminsnatch best username I’ve seen in a while. Yep, I know I babbled but it was pretty easy to get the gist (I thought so anyway)

It does sound like your MIL was trying to make you and your DD feel more comfortable but you've taken it as criticism.

I have a relative with MH issues and their anxiety does make them see criticism and offence where there is none. I know they find it exhausting to deal with tbh, and it's not nice to be constantly judged on everything I say either! Other people are not as judgemental as you think, OP so try not to assume the worst of everything they say.

I can't say I've had strangers comment on my parenting much, but I'm comfortable in the way I parent so it's not something that would bother me too much.

I’m the strictest in terms of conduct/manners (the things you describe) of all my friends and family but I’ve never had a single person pull me up on correcting DD so is it possible you are actually coming across much harsher or louder than you realize?

She owes it to her child to do whatever it takes to deal with those issues. It’s not a simple process but it’s unfair not to.

^ This .

Knowing you don't like family things due to your background is not a reason to accept that as a reason now. You have a child and partner - both of whom need you to work in ways to change this mindset .

We were v strict with our kids
We still are.
People have made comments about how we could loosen up. Give them a break etc.

However. Now at 12 an 14 we can take them anywhere. They are fabulous human beings.

My response has always been “I know I am an awful mother” when people criticise

OP, you're getting a hard time on this thread and I just wanted to say I get you completely. I'm not a family person either due to my own childhood and family dynamics and feel very uncomfortable spending time with my MIL. Despite years of therapy about my issues and being so much better all around, I still irrationally dread having to spend time with her.

I used to be oversensitive so I also understand how that type of comment can make you feel they are criticising your parenting. However, I really believe that it says more about her than you. You just have different parenting styles and she is more relaxed about those things. I much prefer your parenting style and hate kids running wild! Or maybe she was trying to make you feel comfortable. I've been known to say "don't worry about it" to parents whose DC are annoying me just to be polite when actually they are pissing me off!

It's hard but try not to take it to heart, it really wasn't personal. You're doing a great job of raising a polite, well-behaved child! I do understand your reaction though as you were already anxious and dreading going. A lot of people don't understand that but I do. I don't have any advice unfortunately as I still get the dread!

Knowing you don't like family things due to your background is not a reason to accept that as a reason now. You have a child and partner - both of whom need you to work in ways to change this mindset

Easy to say. I was in fantastic therapy for 5 years and still have OP's problem. I actually suspect I may have Asperger's which could go some way to explaining it. For some reason, in-law visits are at the top of my list of most dreaded social situations and have been known to leave me in tears despite me being a relatively stable person now. If only it was so easy to just "change my mindset"