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Original poster

Anyone up? I need a handhold, a hug or a bullet

69 replies

Stargate456123 · 24/12/2018 05:01

I made a thread a little while back about my ds and his horrendous sleep. Tonight has reached crisis point, j feel done and everything has gone to shit. Merry fucking Christmas

It's nearly 5am, I've been up with ds since 1.30am. He's kicked off because I can't (and didn't want to) get into bed with him. I can't because he asked his sister for a "sleepover" so both of them are or should be his bed and I'm not dragging her out of bed at that time to appease this bullshit. I won't because my relationship is in tatters, months of sleeping in seperate beds and arguing over how to deal with this.

Today I'm broken. OH is taking his daughter back to her mum's when the time is reasonable and has said he'll probably stay away the night. Nice. I've cancelled my parents coming down today too, I can't think of anything I'd rather do less than play happy fucking families.

I feel done. I'm not going to be putting any presents out for ds, Christmas is officially cancelled. Everything is fucked.

OP posts:

katykins85 · 24/12/2018 06:03

Oh OP, I really feel for you as I had similar with my eldest for years. Its absolutely soul destroying and my relationship with DH was close tk breaking point. He sounds very anxious but at 7 he is old enough to have it explained to him exactly the impact it is having on everyone, tell him how exhausted you are and that it can't go on.
DD1 was eventually (after I massively kicked off ) referred to the Papworth hospital in cambridge for a sleep study and it finally got sorted, but not before I had to stop driving because it was too dangerous on so little sleep and numerous accidents/injuries (plunged my hand into a pan of boiling water instead of the spaghetti was one of them). I think it was this that made the dr realise it was more than just a bit of waking up.
Call your Dr today, go in and say you cannot continue and you need their help. Make them listen to you. Always here for a hand hold

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 24/12/2018 06:08

I'm sorry, this sounds brutal.

Ignore if this is unhelpful as I'm sure you've already tried everything... DS (6.5) was a restless, wakeful, clingy sleeper for years and slept in my bed almost constantly from birth til a couple of months ago. I was ok with that but once he moved out of it I've been really resistant to letting him move back in (esp as I already have 9mo in with me so I just can't sleep when squished by two sprawling children). The compromise I offer if he does want to be with me is that he can make a 'nest' with his duvet and pillow on the floor beside my bed.

I'm sorry it's such a battle to try and get the sleep clinic to assess him. And I'm sorry about the lack of support around you too.

ComfyLeatherChair · 24/12/2018 06:14

You could also ask school to write a letter to your GP about change in behaviour. So sorry you are going through this, sleep deprivation is hell. A

PollyFlinderz · 24/12/2018 06:14

Please don't judge but a friend gave me 2 nights of melatonin and it was like a miracle, for the first time in years he was actually able to switch off and fall asleep naturally, but he just doesn't stay asleep and I don't know how it'll ever get better

I’m not going to judge. I’m going to suggest timed release melatonin instead.

You can buy good quality stuff online.

Do whatever you have to do to survive and if it means opting out of most of Christmas then just do.

Would your son have an epsom salt bath before bedtime? Rubbing the soles of his feet with lavender oil mixed with some cream might also help. Also the sleep cream from Lush.

I’m thinking of you.

bridgetosomewhere · 24/12/2018 06:32

I agree op It sounds like chronic skew deprivation for both of you

Get some melatonin and give it to him regularly. A sons friend has it every night there is NOTHING to be ashamed of. His body doesn't make enough and he can't sleep

I think you will see a drastic improvement in life once you both can sleep.

If you can't get it from the doctor then like a pp said can you buy it online?

Good luck. I really feel for you

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 24/12/2018 06:32

So sorry OP sounds awful for you all bless you..The only thing I can say is would it really be so bad to go along with what DS wants? I was thinking and I apologize if I am totally wrong but it seems like he needs not so much wants but needs you on some emotional level,,,if you know what I mean.He seems at such a young age to be struggling badly with something be it a behavioural thing or an emotional one and at 7 it isnt easy to understand yourself and your feelings so he seems to be reaching out in the only way he can....I think the best advice I can give would be to try to keep things as normal as you can (easier said than done I know when you are exhausted and at your wits end),Get christmas over then in the new year maybe go see the GP,school and anyone who will listen to try to get to the bottom of what is wrong,, Its tough and I am really sorry,, I hope you can get your little boy sorted it must be really upsetting for all of you and this it seems is no ones fault..

bridgetosomewhere · 24/12/2018 06:32

Typo....Chronic sleep deprivation

GaryBaldbiscuit · 24/12/2018 06:36

i dont think anyone should advocate buying melatonin off the webb, it could contain Anything! It is prescribed on license and needs medical check ups. Can your GP prescribe it?
I am sure it will get better op. Please go back to GP

Skatersbeskating · 24/12/2018 06:38

Im sorry to rush in with quick questions. Off to work in abit & have to drop of at holiday club,

What time doee he go up to bed?

Has something traumatic happened in the past that has caught up with him PTSD?

Or did something happen a few months ago? Is something still happening?

Have you aaked him if he needs to tell you anything? Ask him if he is scared?

grissini · 24/12/2018 06:45

Op you sound like you're blaming him but surely he's just a child and it's your responsibility

sashh · 24/12/2018 06:46

I have no experience so I'll just give sympathy OP.

TipseyTorvey · 24/12/2018 06:48

Just dropping in to say I'm in a similar place. DS has, however just been diagnosed as ASD so we went straight to the GP to beg for melatonin and were told he couldn't prescribe melatonin as a primary carer unless it was recommended by the ASD specialist. Luckily FIL lives in the US so we despatched him to his local shop where they sell it over the counter and are now going this route until we can get it prescribed. I am wrecked and broken too, I look haggard and can barely function at work most of the time. Hoping the melatonin will at least get me 4 hour blocks to get my sanity back. You have ALL my sympathy, hope you have a better night tonight.

H1dingInSight · 24/12/2018 06:52

Can you possibly afford a private sleep consultant. We went to Mill Pond for DS1’s issues and it was amazing what a difference it made - not least psychologically for me, feeling that we weren’t alone. They did all of the consultations by phone, so we didn’t have to travel, and it wasn’t all that expensive. I know it sounds like i’m -advertising - I swear I don’t work there! - but they helped when everyone else had told us that we just had to let him grow out of it.

katykins85 · 24/12/2018 06:58

Oh sod off grissini, have a bit of compassion eh?!

totallycluelessoverhere · 24/12/2018 07:06

I had to do specialist sleep training with my eldest child (now a teenager). When he got to the age of 9/10 I was beyond exhausted due to a chronic lack of sleep since eh day he was born. He has asd and other complex issues and he used to be up all night. My husband shared some of the load but I was doing the majority and it was crippling.
We tried melatonin and it didn’t help.
Eventually we had specialist help and they advised us to do a version of rapid return and ensure that there were no interesting things in his room for him to play with during the night.
My husband and I spent two weeks of standing/ sitting on the landing all night and as soon as our soon got out of bed and opened his bedroom door we would take him straight back to bed and lie him down then leave the room. Of course it was awful and our son cried and screamed and got out of bed a thousand times every night for the first week but it slowly got better and eventually he got the message that there was no point getting out of bed because he would just be taken straight back. It was emotionally rough, I felt terrible for taking him back to bed upset but it was worth it because we all really really needed sleep. I am against sleep training for babies but after 9 years of very little sleep and having tried everything we felt we had to try something. He is a teenager now and after that two weeks he has been a reasonable sleeper and will go back to bed when told to if he gets up in the night (which rarely now happens).

KateGrey · 24/12/2018 07:06

You have my sympathy. We have two kids with asd and sleep is horrific. The 5 year old takes over an hour with one of us sitting with her to get her to sleep. She wakes at 12 and is awake all night from then. Her sibling wakes around 4am but stays in her room reading aloud (🤨). You can buy melatonin gummies. We are prescribed it but in tablet form (neither kids can take tablets) so we don’t use it and buy liquid. NHS here don’t prescribe liquid due to cost. Could he be anxious? Sleep does throw up some horrible behaviour issues. You have my deepest sympathy.

katykins85 · 24/12/2018 07:32

Thats a shame kate, DD1 had it as a liquid until she was 7, but that was in 2014. Things must have changed

anniehm · 24/12/2018 07:39

Talk to your parents, explain the situation and ask if they can take him out for an hour or three so you can get some me time. A bath, a nap, a glass of wine - you will feel so much better.

I've been there, dd is autistic and poor sleep is a major issue, it's one of the reasons I haven't got a full time job, I'm too knackered! And just as the situation with her improved (she's adult now just) I'm peri menopausal and sleep alludes me! 2 hours tonight. I really feel your pain .... off to consume a pot of strong coffee as I have a houseful

PollyFlinderz · 24/12/2018 07:45

i dont think anyone should advocate buying melatonin off the webb, it could contain Anything! It is prescribed on license and needs medical check ups.

Have used it with my now 27 years old son for about 13 years as it’s not available where we live and I’m very happy with the choices I’ve made.

PollyFlinderz · 24/12/2018 07:47

on at work most of the time. Hoping the melatonin will at least get me 4 hour blocks to get my sanity back.

Ask him to source the timed release variety. Also if it stops working it’s preferable to stop for a few nights then start again rather than keep on upping the dose.

Almostthere15 · 24/12/2018 07:49

Sleep deprivation is the worst, could your oh take him and his daughter out to the park for an hour or two this morning and you go back to bed. It does sound like your son is really struggling if all the things he asks for still don't help him reliably sleep and as you know it becomes circular because he's overtired.

Or if your parents are remotely helpful ring them back and explain that you'd live then to come but you need some help and could they make the dinner,/take d's out/clean the bathroom etc. If they aren't that kind if person then I agree totally with cancelling them. Just hunker down and regroup. But please don't cancel Christmas, I don't think it'll help him or you in the long run.

Sleepinghooty · 24/12/2018 07:51

Huge sympathies. Another one saying get sone melatonin too. Dis has always been a dreadful sleeper and it really works. If you use for a few weeks it can break the habit, then lower the dose. We can then seem to manage a while without it but use it again when sleep starts to get bad

birdling · 24/12/2018 07:58

L-theanine is a vitamin often used to help children with adhd relax and sleep. It is calming and helps with focus. It's found in Green Tea, but you can get it in capsules and gummies. We used it with our ds and it helped concentration. Never used it at night as he is NT, but I've read a lot of studies and reports that it has good results.

Dowser · 24/12/2018 08:18

Do you think it could be diet related.
Anything in his diet that during the night is causing digestive upsets that make him wake then his behaviour kicks in?

I ask because I know I’m an adult and he’s a child, but ice had really bad digestive flare ups...if I don’t have them I sleep...if I do I wake up and can’t get back to sleep.
Maybe he has intolerances that need looking into.
Just a suggestion..

Chimchar · 24/12/2018 08:24

No advice, but I wanted to send you a huge hug. You must be utterly totally exhausted. No wonder you feel as crappy as you do.

You and your oh need to be a team and actively try to pull together rather than be torn apart.
You need looking after too. Can your ds go out with your oh and his sister later to give you a break? Or can you get out for an hour to have a breather?

I really do think that you need some medical advice on this. Until then, go minute by minute, hour by hour.

Thinking of you. X

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