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Original poster

DH had a private lap dance on his stag do.

33 replies

LovelyUnicorn · 23/12/2018 20:33

This is on my mind because of another thread on here just now.

DH & I have been married best part of a decade. He had his stag the weekend before our wedding. We were young when we married, he was 23.

He got back from his stag and didn't mention anything about the fact they went to a strip club.

We got married the following week and while we were on our honeymoon, out of the blue he told me there was something on his mind that he needed to tell me. He told me that at the end of the night on his stag do, his brother and the other guys took him to a strip club and they all paid for him to have a private dance.

At the time, I said I understood and was glad he had told me and that I didn't hold it against him.

It pops into my head from time to time and I often wonder if I was right to just move on from this straight away. It does occasionally play on my mind.

I suppose I'm wondering, if you were in my shoes, would you have been bothered by this? Or would you forgive & forget?

OP posts:
formerbabe · 23/12/2018 20:35

It was a long time ago, he was young...honestly I'd try to forget it.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 23/12/2018 20:38

I would be bothered, yes.

He was 23, and at the time, he obviously felt bad. And, frankly, he sounds as if it was something that bothered him quite a bit at the time, and I would wonder if older people pressured him into something he didn't want at all?

Those things would make me be a bit more restrained. But, for me, the bottom line would be that this is horribly misogynistic, and that he must have known it was cheating on you. Frankly, for me, the misogyny would bother me at least as much as the cheating.

You need to decide how you feel, and you may not feel the same as me. I'm responding with my thoughts because that was the question. But, beyond that question, I'd say you need at least to raise it with him, because it's never good to have worries you don't share.

Yellowcar2 · 23/12/2018 20:39

At the time i would have been annoyed but now I don't think there is any point dwelling on it.

Ozgirl75 · 23/12/2018 20:42

I had something similar - married 15 years now and DH is totally fab, but he went to Stringfellows on his stag do. I don’t think he was pressurised to be honest!

I told him after the wedding and honeymoon that I actually found strip clubs totally gross and disrespectful and I would think of him very differently if he went again. He was horrified and said he would never have gone if he’d known how I felt.

I accepted that and we moved on.

I don’t think it’s fair to hold something over someone years later, I’m sure there are things I’ve done over the years that aren’t great after all.

InternetRandomer · 23/12/2018 20:43

I’d be bothered about it for sure but given that it was 10+yrs ago I’d be basing my opinion of dh on his behaviour during those years, not a (presumably) one off event that he “confessed” to at the time.

Beautyandthe · 23/12/2018 20:47

My DH had a stripper at his stag do this summer. Married 6 months ago.
Yes it bothers me. I think he was pressured into it but also could have said no and didn't.

It just seems to be the 'done thing'. Doesn't make it right at all. And I think it's gross. But... what can I do? What's the point in dwelling on it. He didn't cheat.

Concernedaboutgran · 23/12/2018 20:51

It indicates a certain lack of morals in a man willing to buy a woman for sexual purposes. I would be furious that he had told me after the wedding as I'd certainly think twice about whether I would want to be married to the sort of man who sees women as a commodity to be bought.

64ChewsBrains · 23/12/2018 21:01

I'd certainly think twice about whether I would want to be married to the sort of man who sees women as a commodity to be bought.

This would be the big issue for me as well. I could not marry/be comfortable in a long-term relationship with someone who viewed women this way. It wouldn’t even be about fidelity, it would be about the apparent scary gulf between our basic views of the world, structural inequality, everything.

It’s tricky to know what to say in your situation, OP. I do think whoever said that you should at least talk it over with him because it isn’t good to have secret worries is correct, and wise.

Needallthesleep · 23/12/2018 21:24

I don’t think this is an issue. I don’t see it as cheating at all. A ‘dance’ will be just that, no touching etc. I would be basing my opinion of him on the last few years of marriage, not a stupid one time thing done on a stag.

Didyeeaye · 23/12/2018 23:36

It wouldn't bother me as it's all a bit of the 'stag' experience plus he was honest about it on the honeymoon which is a good sign.
I had a dance from a stripper on my 21st and it's not particularly sexual just a bit of fun. I was like 'ooft' cos my stripper was gorgeous but then I can watch tv and see half naked hotties.
I woud only have an issue if my (imaginary) DH was spending loads of money's in strip clubs or not looking at me with lust anymore

MilkyCuppa · 23/12/2018 23:41

It’s a bit late to worry about it now! At the time I’d have been furious and truthfully I’d have ended the marriage there and then. But you didn’t, and years have passed - too many years to decide you’re bothered about it now.

MotherOfDragonite · 23/12/2018 23:47

I would have minded, but I also would have been relieved that he had wanted to tell me! I think I would be able to forgive and forget unless there was some other reason for feeling uncomfortable.

Brittanyspears · 23/12/2018 23:54

Some clubs are strict no touching, some are almost live porno shows. Like anything there are different levels.
I’d feel the same as you, I hope you can move on from it OP.

Deadringer · 24/12/2018 00:11

I would have been upset at the time but I think I would have got over it by now. I do wonder how we have got to the point though that 'the done thing' is for men in a committed relationship to pay to ogle women stripping. I am an old gimmer though and Irish and strip clubs weren't a thing in my day, thank goodness.

WanderingTrolley1 · 24/12/2018 07:50

I would have been bothered, definitely.

Bluesheep8 · 24/12/2018 07:59

It was 10 years ago. And he confessed it at the time. As a pp said, it's the way he's been during those 10 years that's important. Look at it another way op, clearly nothing he has done in 10 years has had a bad effect on you, otherwise you wouldn't be remembering about this iyswim, so that's got to be a good thing?

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 24/12/2018 08:01

I wouldn’t be happy, no. But then I’d have flipped at the time, and said my piece then.

I’m not sure 10 years on it’s really fair to bring it up again, unless it’s part of a pattern of behaviour in which case that’s different.

Torsz · 24/12/2018 08:04

It wouldn't bother me personally - I know mine went to a strip club in Ibiza as part of the stag and it wouldn't surprise me if he got a dance but I'd prefer not to ask 😂 I've been on hen dos before where there have been strippers and it's not meant anything to me, so I don't have a problem with the equivalent happening on a stag! And I know if I asked then he'd tell me the truth.
I think it's all about trust but everyone has different views...

Argonauts · 24/12/2018 08:05

I wouldn’t want to be married to someone who thought women’s bodies were a commodity to be bought and sold. It’s repellent, misogynistic behaviour. Why on earth did you think it was ok back then?

Esqueleto · 24/12/2018 08:19

He was young and obviously felt uncomfortable with it. His brother and friends arranged it so he likely felt pressured. Put it down to a one-off misjudged event and forget it.

SimpleSimpler · 24/12/2018 08:23

Move on, OP please. There's people on here that seem to egg on breaking up relationships. Judge your partner for who is now, not 10 years ago.

Neverunderfed · 24/12/2018 08:25

I would have done the same in your shoes back then, and would be working past it now.

But I would argue that it isn't 'the done thing' on stags. In our circle I genuinely don't know any who have done it,most of them go shooting, for a meal, drinking type thing.

retainertrainer · 24/12/2018 08:25

Let it go, j think lots of stags find themselves in the same situation. I know my DH had a lap dance, can’t say I was thrilled about it but he’s been a wonderful husband for over a decade. Kind, hardworking, faithful and a fantastic parent.

Bluesheep8 · 24/12/2018 08:41

retainertrainer has given the perfect example of exactly what I meant.

whatamidoingwithmylife · 24/12/2018 08:51

I think a lot of it comes down to what sort of person you are. I'm very reserved so would be horrified to find out my partner had done such a thing. My ex husband did visit a strip club as part of a friend's stag do and I was grossed out by it. It was very much just the expected thing ten years ago that all stag parties went to one (maybe in the way they all seem to go abroad now). Not one of the stag party actually wanted to go that strip club, they just felt they should as that's what was expected - sheep behaviour really 😄. My ex never even bothered with a stag party and I was much happier with that!

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