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Original poster

Xmas party - embarrassed

35 replies

haudyer · 23/12/2018 04:01

Went to my work Xmas party last night; but I arrived late.

I'm new to the company and there hadn't been any chat about the party. I usually am punctual but a colleague from another department gave me a lift in and she was late.

Upon arrival she rushed to her department while I stood, floundering - the place was packed, I couldn't see anyone else I knew. I retreated against the wall to contact a colleague - who coincidentally was also late due to car trouble. I couldn't see anywhere to sit (for the meal) and was considering just leaving when someone from my department saw me, came over and said they were moving around to make space.

This was nice of them but I can't shake the feeling that it was out of pity; I wasn't part of their group / kitty, hadn't been included in pre party chat. I feel so stupid that I didn't realise. The colleague who came and said they were making space said I looked really tired - I had spent ages getting ready, so this really hurt. I've hardly been out since I had my dc three years ago. I just felt so out of touch.

I realise my colleagues took pity on me rather than wanted me to join in. I feel so embarrassed - just tolerated rather than welcome. Why didn't I realise? I wish I had stayed home, or left before they noticed me. It was awful, trying to make chat etc when so clearly crashing on their group.

What do I do when we go back in Jan?

OP posts:
MyOtherProfile · 23/12/2018 04:08

Go in with a big smile, appreciate that they included you and be friendly. I'm sure they won't have minded one more at all.

PollyFlinderz · 23/12/2018 04:08

Haudyer,

I understand why you’re thinking the way you are but the fact they moved around etc to make space for you is what counts. They didn’t ignore you. They sorted a space out for you and I’d go back to work confidently.

Eightmagpies · 23/12/2018 04:17

Hia- I'm awake with my baby and her cough! It must be really playing on your mind that you've posted at 4am. I just wanted to offer you some reassurance: it sounds like you were massively caught off guard by being late which is exasperated by your lack of confidence (new job/haven't been out properly in 3years). I think it takes about 6 months to bed in to a new role. Small chat is awkward at the best of times esp when you don't really know the other person (and I'm saying this as an extrovert). Please don't be so hard on yourself. As for the new year, see how you feel when you go back, but try not to dwell on it over Christmas Xmas Smile

lactobacillus · 23/12/2018 04:21

I promise you that no one else was viewing it in the same lense as you, and if they were, they are not worth impressing or keeping as friends. We are our worst critics. We don’t lay awake at night contemplating the faults of others, moreso ourselves, don’t we? I would try not to worry. Your perception of the event sounds like it was colored by social anxiety, which many people have, and it’s hard to view things rationally when you’re anxious or beating yourself up. Give yourself a hug and go get some ice cream. Read a good story or tabloid and get some rest. Hugs.

Original poster
haudyer · 23/12/2018 04:25

thank you for your kind words. I just feel so foolish. Will try to put it behina me.

OP posts:
lactobacillus · 23/12/2018 04:34

Every person on earth can conjure a social situation in their lives and feel foolish about it. No point in ruminating about anything, although I know that’s the nature of anxiety. Try quelling those anxious thoughts by looking up self-help and self-care tips. You did nothing wrong, no one died and I’m sure your colleagues do not think anything negative about you for arriving late to a Christmas party (apparently others were late, too!). Sending you good thoughts and happy holiday wishes.

maddiemookins16mum · 23/12/2018 04:44

I can pretty much guarantee that by the time everyone is back at work the whole thing will be forgotten (although I don’t think there was anything memorable any way, apart from your view of it and having been in a similar situation once I know it feels very, very real to you).

maddiemookins16mum · 23/12/2018 04:47

And yes, they made room, that means they were happy to have you. If not, and believe me I’ve been in the workplace for 40 years and have seen a lot, someoneone would not have come over and they’d have left you be. They didn’t and you’re one of the gang now 😊😊

Aftershock15 · 23/12/2018 04:55

I think you are looking at this from the wrong angle. Imagine that you are out with a group of friends - say it’s the mums from your toddler group, it’s been a general invite and so a new mum decides to come too. You are sitting with your friends when you notice that new mum has arrived, so you go over and say “hi there is space next to me, come and sit down”. You are doing this out of kindness not pity. You wouldn’t want the new mum to feel so uncomfortable as to not to come to toddler group or other evening meet ups.

Isn’t this the same as what happened at the party? The person who came over just felt they were being kind to the new member of staff. Maybe they felt awkward when they realised that no one had included you in the pre party chat.
Most people behave out of kindness and consideration in this sort of situation (as I’m sure you do as well) and then don’t give it another thought.

INeedNewShoes · 23/12/2018 05:00

Why are you assuming it was pity?

Seriously, it's what I and my colleagues would have done without a thought.

Stop dwelling on it and enjoy the weekend.

Redskyandrainbows67 · 23/12/2018 05:05

This is your lack of confidence talking...

chatwoo · 23/12/2018 05:47

Please don't worry about it. Your colleagues spotted you and made a space for you - that's a positive thing!

When you go back to work in Jan, you ask them about their Xmas break, you tell them about yours... then presumably back to your desks and work continues as usual.

Enjoy your time off Xmas Smile

gladheart · 23/12/2018 05:52

I also don't read it as them taking pity on you, rather that they wanted to include you.

ChilliMum · 23/12/2018 06:10

Wow you are looking at this from the wrong perspective. They sound like a lovely group to include you like that, maybe they did invite you out of kindness rather than friendship but the act of joining them moves you to friend Smile

This is your oppirtunity to belong if you want. When you go back to work, say hi tell them how much you enjoyed sitting with them, ask them about their Christmas break talk about yours and by next year you will be part of the group and the kitty too.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 23/12/2018 06:20

Please don’t worry! Sound like your colleagues are nice people and wanted to include you. You don’t need to analyse it any more than that.

SailAwayWithMeHuni · 23/12/2018 06:26

You say you are new to the company, how new?

I don’t think you can expect to be part of a formed group of friends straight away. It takes time to find your place.

I wouldn’t see it as pity, they saw you were on your own and made the effort to include you. See it as they were welcoming and kind.

If they didn’t like you, they could’ve pretended not to see you.

Banjax · 23/12/2018 06:38

Congratulations OP, you seem to have joined some considerate colleagues here! You're totally overthinking it - you're new and dont know anybody!

Dollymixture22 · 23/12/2018 07:23

I went out this year with a new work - it was awkward and I didn’t really know anyone. But the thing is it’s work - so you have to change your mindset.

Well done for going - and give yourself a break. These weren’t your best friends, these are colleagues. They saw you were alone and made an effort - like any functioning adult in a professional setting should. You have nothing to feel embarrassed about, and no worries about facing them in the new year.

It wasn’t pity, it was common courtesy. It wasn’t a school disco it was work.

The colleagues may have said you looked tired because you looked bored and were leaning up against a wall.

Please don’t give the evening a second thought - no one else will have. By next year you will know them much better.

Original poster
haudyer · 23/12/2018 07:53

Been there since August. Logically, looking at your replies it all makes sense - just my self doubt bothering me. Trying not to dwell, but definitely easier said than done.

OP posts:
Dollymixture22 · 23/12/2018 07:59

We all over think these things. But honestly you have nothing to worry about. Think of it as a work conference when you are forced to make small talk - most people hate it but we have to do it.

Enjoy your Christmas!

LEMtheoriginal · 23/12/2018 08:10

Ahhh man i thought you were going to say you flashed your tits at the boss or danced on the table and fell into someone's pudding!!

Hiw nice that folk made space for you. Yes i can see it was awkward but you werent crashing their group. You will have felt awkward but they wont have noticed. Tbh xmas parties are excruciating so i usually misbehave just to make them tolerable!

Wineloffa · 23/12/2018 08:17

They made space for you which is a nice thing to do. If they’d left you standing on your own all night, then you would have a reason to be upset. Please don’t let this ruin your Christmas, your low self esteem is writing the script here, I think the reality was very different. Go back into work in January with your head held high.

Pinkyponkcustard · 23/12/2018 08:22

It doesn’t sound like they took pity on you op, I’m sure you’re a bright, interesting person with lots to add to the party.

Remember this is just “your truth” it’s not “their truth” all about perspectives

FoxFoxSierra · 23/12/2018 08:59

When I read your title I thought you had got really drunk and made a tit of yourself that was me

I made room for a colleague who arrived late, it's a non issue! You've obviously not been there long and there are already established friendship groups there which can make you feel like an outsider but you were obviously very welcome so I wouldn't give it another moment's thought

NeverTwerkNaked · 23/12/2018 09:05

Honestly, there’s no issue, someone came to look after you! That’s a good thing Smile.