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Original poster

Teen daughter and friendship problems

37 replies

PeterAndJayne · 20/12/2018 15:20

DD aged 13 is in year 8 and having lots of issues with her 'friends'. By all accounts they keep leaving her out, whispering behind her back and not waiting for her etc. It's awful to see her so upset and impacting home life because she's very emotional and difficult. I don't think it's something I need to speak to school about. She bravely went and say with another girl for lunch today but is currently locked in the bathroom sobbing Sad. Any tips or words of advice? I know it's just part of being this age etc but I want to teach her how to cope with it. She says she's doesn't have other friends and seems to really struggle socially preferring small groups.

OP posts:
GhostSauce · 20/12/2018 15:32

I would tell her to hold her head high and rise above it. Good for her sitting with another girl. I hated being that age, teen girls can be so mean.

However if it actually could be considered to be bullying then tell her not to hesitate to speak to a teacher.

Jasonmendoza · 20/12/2018 16:10

Does she do any out of school activities? Scouts? Dancing? Something to make friends away from school.

Original poster
PeterAndJayne · 20/12/2018 17:20

She does but whilst she gets on OK, she doesn't see them outside of the group. She's always had issues making friends as she tends to want one or two close, loyal friends and then feels so let down when they don't meet her expectations. It's really difficult as I want to tell her to expect less and relax but that's just not how she is.

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Original poster
PeterAndJayne · 26/12/2018 06:54

Just bumping for advice if anyone is about. She was sobbing again last night Sad. She said she has no friends and hates trying to make them. She says she doesn't understand people and why they're mean. The thing is this is not the first time she's had these issues. I tried to broach the possibility that she might be doing something to put people off. That sounds awful but it wasn't said harshly. She admitted she's clingy as she's desperate. How do I help her? I really don't want her worrying about all this for the rest of the break.

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rabbitfoodadvocate · 26/12/2018 07:00

Girls can be awful and it can be something as trivial as jealousy that prompts a huge cataclysmic fall-out.

I had this. Went into school one day and was totally blanked by everyone. hurt like hell and I felt scared going in, but I decided to make new friends and just be less of a clique. It worked out. They weren't as 'popular' as my old friends but they sure were nicer and more dependable.

Original poster
PeterAndJayne · 26/12/2018 07:06

I think the trouble is she finds it very difficult to make friends. She says she hates the whole process and feels awkward. She has a few good friends out of school but I'm school is awful for her at the moment. But this is a out the third time this has happened with groups at school so I wonder what she is doing.

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TheLittleDogLaughed · 26/12/2018 07:24

My dd was v similar at that age. She’s 16 now. Things got so bad for her with 2 girls in particular that we actually changed her school at the start of Y9 (there were other reasons for changing too - long commute and not happy with the school). It was such a mistake! She thought and we thought that a fresh start would be good but it wasn’t - she went to a new school and just couldn’t fit in or make any new friends. She developed severe social anxiety, was self-harming and stopped eating. A year ago she stopped going to school altogether and is now in a medical PRU for kids with anxiety. Unbelievably she has only made 1 friend there even. She was diagnosed ASD earlier this year - her CAMHS counsellor put her in for assessment, I wouldn’t have done and I’m still unsure it’s the right diagnosis.

Anyway, if I could turn back the click I would have got her to stick it out at school; lots of things we did to help just made it worse I believe although dh thinks this would all have happened anyway regardless of changing schools.

Do you think your dd may have some social anxiety or some difficulty in understanding social cues and boundaries? Have you checked out in your area if there are any youth groups or chat groups for kids struggling with school? We have quite a few but I found out about them too late. Your GP would know.

Making a new friend is essential for your dd. Once that cycle of bitchiness has set in with a group of girls, it’s v hard to break it. In fact I found that through Y9 and Y10 girls get worse.

Not sure if any of this helps. I feel your pain though, I’ve been feeling it for about 3 years now with dd. Worse for her of course. I’m just hoping that she gets some GCSEs and gets into college where I’m sure she will fit in much better.

rabbitfoodadvocate · 26/12/2018 07:33

@PeterAndJayne I mean this kindly, but wondering what your daughter is doing wrong isn't helping. My mum did this and I knew she thought it, even without her saying it.

She has probably looked for friends in the wrong places, gotten caught up in the excitement of a new group and it wasn't ever a good blend to begin with. She simply hasn't found the right tribe yet, so she probably isn't doing anything!

If it's really bad, I'd speak about moving schools. I wish I'd had that option presented as I would have leapt at it. I've been left really scarred by female friendship groups and as such, just have two very good friends now, not a whole hoard. And it took me until my thirties to stop pandering and trying to be liked by everyone, because it really affected me.

If she can find one person to hang out with, it will be enough.

Hoopla5005 · 26/12/2018 07:46

Same thing happened to me as rabbit food advocate, worst thing ever at the time but also the best thing as it made me deal with things/horrible people and forced me to make new (better) friends

msnowtybach · 26/12/2018 07:50

My DD has this last year and it was awful, her self esteem and confidence took a battering.

However, this year she has moved class and has made some lovely friends, who don't bring each other down and bitch constantly.

Can you talk to her about the possibility of asking the school to move her into another class?

PenguinPandas · 26/12/2018 07:53

At DDs school the girls seem to be very volatile at this age - DD 13 has lots of friends but lots of drama and poor behaviour. DD has started moving to be friends with the boys and that seems to be helping a bit though seems to create fair share of drama.

School clubs can help make friends. Would tell the school she's really upset so they can keep an eye on her. DS is ASD and finds it harder to make friends - he took some sweets in and that helped him make friends. Meeting up out of school helps too.

She may well not be doing anything wrong, it can be very silly reasons like a posh accent, not swearing, being sensible, jealousy over a boy / friendship. I think its better for them to have a few nice friends than lots of volatile ones.

Vegisgrowingwell · 26/12/2018 07:54

My daughter has issues as she is very loyal and expects her friends to be the same. At this age they grow up at very different stages and don't think this helps.

I've told my daughter she's worth 100 of her 'friends' and they if I was her age I'd want to be with her. She knows she's a bit different (I have thoughts she may have mild ADHD, she definitely ticks the checklist) and this can make her a bit silly but she is caring and so kind too which I tell her as well.

Hugs to her and you

rabbitfoodadvocate · 26/12/2018 08:01

@Hoopla5005 Right? At the time, it was unbearable but as time went on, those 'less exciting' friends proved to be wonderful.

Less drama, more focus on school work and less angst.

Original poster
PeterAndJayne · 26/12/2018 08:07

Thank you all. I'm not blaming dd as such. It's hard to explain here but it's just I wonder if it's something she does subconsciously as this is the 3rd time it's happened with different groups. She is headstrong and independent. My mum often says she marches to the beat of her own drum which is a good description. She is very sensitive but also quite unforgiving of others once they upset her. She seems to have quite fixed ideas of how people should be and to some extent she's right. She says she finds groups very difficult so I suspect she needs one or two close like minded friends and that's tricky to find. She's blocked the girls from this group on WhatsApp which I personally think will cause more conflict. None of the issues took place on SM so I was going to suggest she unblock them so it's all less confrontational when she returns. I've tried to explain she shouldn't burn her bridges with people. I agree they haven't been nice but I think she's better off walking away but keeping the door open so to speak in case things change. Ie, they grow up and change. Whereas she's of the opinion they've done her wrong so that's it. That would be alright if she wasn't sat in all her lessons with them everyday. I am just worried it's going to escalate.

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Gina2012 · 26/12/2018 08:08

Can she do an after school activity which involves different people from her school?

Gina2012 · 26/12/2018 08:10

Why do you think she is so 'rule bound' with how friends should be with her?

Why do you think her expectations are so rigid and inflexible?

Where do you think she gets the idea that friendship is her way or the highway?

rabbitfoodadvocate · 26/12/2018 08:12

She sounds principled and opinionated. Excellent qualities, if you as me, though it sounds like you'd prefer her to be a bit more flexible, to make friends?

What if these girls are boy-crazy etc and your DD isn't? What if that's why they ell our, because she's not interested in being a bit tarty etc?

I would stay out of the SM stuff if I were you. She's making her own decisions and that takes courage. If she doesn't want to hear from them, good for her for blocking. It's a healthy response, as opposed to getting messages that will upset her.

I think she sounds quite excellent and self assured. Perhaps you should follow suit and let her know that she will meet some likeminded people if she sticks to her principles and doesn't sell herself short.

Hoppinggreen · 26/12/2018 08:15

She sounds very similar to my dd, very high standards and expecting people to live up to them.
She went to a school in y7 where she didn’t know anyone and a lot of them had been at prep together, also it’s a small school so not as much scope for friends as a big School
She did struggle in y7 as she tried to find her tribe, tried a few friendship groups but they didn’t suit her but by y8 she had a fantastic group of friends ( quite a few boys interestingly)
She’s in y9 now and she has some really lovely friends who seem to care about her a lot. She still finds people a bit “disappointing “ at times but has learned to hide it better, which I think has helped
I know how awful it is OP and I don’t think there is anything wrong in wondering if your dd is somehow putting people off, if you don’t then how can you suggest strategies to help her but I DO think it is just a case of finding her “people”

rabbitfoodadvocate · 26/12/2018 08:17

Male friends are often a good bet actually. Now I think back, a couple of my best friends were boys. We are still in touch too.

Original poster
PeterAndJayne · 26/12/2018 08:24

@Gina12. She has a couple of hobbies but neither have translated into anything outside of school. She has a few friends from primary school she still sees outside of school though. It's just in school that she struggles. I don't have answers to your question. She is what she is. She's headstrong and not afraid to not follow the crowd. It's a great attribute for later on in life and I wouldn't describe it as her way or the highway.

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Original poster
PeterAndJayne · 26/12/2018 08:28

@rabbitfoodadvocate. Yes she is self assured but being a little more flexible would probably help. It's all well and good being principled but it's causing her issues.

@hoppinggreen. That sounds reassuring. I've been thinking for a while it's a case of finding the right people. I just wish I could do it for her.

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rabbitfoodadvocate · 26/12/2018 08:29

Shell be fine. Seriously. She sounds great and that's your doing. She will find people that don't disappoint her. Admittedly, it took me a while, but so worth the wait!

Lead to a bloody good husband for me as well!

Original poster
PeterAndJayne · 26/12/2018 08:31

Thank you Smile

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Hoppinggreen · 26/12/2018 08:38

peterandjayne I know how you feel. At Primary you can help “manage” friendships a bit more but at Secondary they are on their own and DD’s fear of rejection makes it hard for her to initiate invitations
Your heart will break for her but it will be ok in the end xx

yikesanotherbooboo · 26/12/2018 09:04

Poor DD; I'm sure we can all sympathise with her. I don't that you can do much more than build her self esteem at home and keep reminding her that school is for learning and not for 'liking'( in more tactful terms ). If there is a hint of bullying; tell school and for that matter there is nothing wrong with a word to her teacher/ tutor to let them know that DD is struggling a bit. It's so tough because teenagers and particularly girls can be really nasty. Unkindness seems to be rife and most of us find it hurtful.

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