Teen daughter and friendship problems

[PeterAndJayne]

DD aged 13 is in year 8 and having lots of issues with her 'friends'. By all accounts they keep leaving her out, whispering behind her back and not waiting for her etc. It's awful to see her so upset and impacting home life because she's very emotional and difficult. I don't think it's something I need to speak to school about. She bravely went and say with another girl for lunch today but is currently locked in the bathroom sobbing . Any tips or words of advice? I know it's just part of being this age etc but I want to teach her how to cope with it. She says she's doesn't have other friends and seems to really struggle socially preferring small groups.

It is tricky at that age but I’d encourage her not to try and get so involved. She likely won’t jnow these kids anymore in 5 years anyway (to provide perspective).

Can she do a few lunch time clubs at school so it isn’t so intense?
Longer term things should get better in later years as streaming occurs and they choose different subjects.

She is what she is. She's headstrong and not afraid to not follow the crowd. It's a great attribute for later on in life

It's a fantastic way of being if you're comfortable with what it brings.

At 13 I'd say she's NOT comfortable with what it brings and being that way is part of the reason why she's so unhappy (perhaps it is part of the reason people don't like her?)

She's old enough to learn that flexibility of character can be a way of being as well.

Well, yes. But how do you teach a 13 year old that? And its not the full picture. She essentially finds it hard to make friends and then negotiate group politics. She has other friends on a 1 to basis and seems much better in that environment.

That’s why I suggested maybe there’s an underlying neurological issue - the need for rigid control etc. Sounds v like my dd. She also rashly blocked people and wouldn’t forgive them.

But how do you teach a 13 year old that?

By example, suggestion and by talking things through with them. Offering choices of how to be which can be made when around others

Surely at 13 her character isn't set for life?

I have wondered @TheLittleDogLaughed. I have even looked up ASD but she doesn't fit the triad. Maybe a bit on the anxious side.

It’s worth checking ASD in girls as it can be very different to boys. Look, I don’t think it will make muh difference either way but it might help you to understand some of yhe rigid thinking and lavk of flexibility.

F

I was the same at her age and interestingly so was my eldest ds. I was really worried for him in years 7&8, but in year 9 he suddenly found his tribe! He made a group of excellent friends and suddenly started to enjoy school.
Tell your dd not to worry too much it’s worth waiting for decent friends. Be careful not to feed her anxiety with your own. And on a practical note joining lunchtime clubs at school helps with loneliness/ awkwardness. It also means she’s not available as a target for any spiteful behaviour.

DD 13 year 9. She had some friendship issues half way through year 7. She rarely sees anyone out of school but does speak
of spending time at lunch with a few different girls from other parts of the city. She wasn’t part of the in crowd and didn’t want to pretend to be into make up, boys or wear push up bras and midriff tops etc.
She is her own person and often sticks up for other kids having a hard time at school. It will get better but instantaneously. I remember from my school days the so-called popular girls were pregnant either before they left school or soon afterwards and often finished up in a dead end job etc.
Boost her confidence and encourage out of school interests. Take care

Thank you all for your kind messages.

Hi, can I please ask how this turned out for your daughter? @PeterAndJayne