Daughter feeling disappointed with lack of praise at school.

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DD is my first so I might be being a bit precious here.

She started reception in September. In her class there is a reward system in place. Children start the day on "ready to learn". If they do something well, their name will be moved up to "Good job" and then if they do something else we'll, they'll be moved up to "superstar". Likewise, if they misbehave, they'll be put on "think" and then "time out".

In the time since starting school, DD has never got on superstar. She is regularly on good job. She has been telling me for quite some time she is upset about this and that she's trying really hard to get on superstar. Ive told her that I don't mind at all if she gets on superstar. If she stays on ready to learn or good job, then I'm proud of her. But the last few days she's been really upset about it again. I suggested to her she could maybe tell her teacher that she's trying very hard to get on superstar and she's never made it on there and ask what she could do to try to get on. She has told me that she tried to ask the teacher today but the teacher didn't answer her. Then at home time she tried to ask again but was shooshed.

I'm not upset with the teacher for this at all. I can only imagine that dealing with 25 4 or 5 year olds must be a juggling act and she can't always stop what she's doing to listen to my DD.

DD though, was upset again tonight because of this. What should I do? Should I just tell her to say nothing and keep doing her best? Should I approach the teacher? I know DD is doing very well at school so I have no concerns but I just feel bad for her. I think she feels a bit invisible.

Oh I should add that most days, people get out on superstar. Also, it seems to be a lot of the same names going on.

I would mention it to the teacher. Yes, you the run the risk if sounding snot precious but when I eventually ( after alot of daughter’s tears) mentioned to the reception teacher, they said they hadn’t realised and didn’t think she was the type to get upset about it and the next week she was given a gold card ( the equivalent). She was v happy!

I think at that age you need to help her ask. It's really good that you are trying to encourage her to have some responsibility, but she probably needs a bit of help to tackle this. I would ask for five minutes with the teacher and simply flag that she really wants to get to "superstar" and ask what she needs to improve. Odds are the teacher just has noticed her and is using it as a behavioural management technique for other children, but no harm in flagging it as it must be disheartening for her.

"just hasn't noticed" not "just has"

God I hate these systems. They are supposed to help motivate children but they are so demotivating. DS2 was never superstar. Other children would get it twice or more before he got it once. He wa salways given it in the last week of term and always for some completely random reason that even aged six he could see was no reflection of any ability he had. He tried but just got demoralised, and thought teachers didn't like him.

Just keep reassuring her she's good and pointing out that the reason for wokring hard at school isn;t to get some stupid scrap of card, but so that she can be good at reading, writing and maths all her life, to get a good job and be able to look after her money and her home etc. (And shorter term stuff, like learning to read so she can get a weekly comic/magazine on her favourite subject, doing maths so she can manage her own pocket money and savings without help etc.)

I would definitely speak to the teacher.

didn’t think she was the type to get upset about it

This view of kids is not good for the competent but undramatic ones at all. It's 'squeaky wheel gets the grease' classroom management.

Thanks all... I just really don't want her confidence being affected by this. I do like the idea a PP had of explaining to her what's actually important in school and that's learning. She's quite bright so I think that'll resonate with her.

I don't think this is necessarily a case of the teacher favouring other children but I do know kids can be exposed to that at school and I do want her to be resilient enough to deal with that should it happen in future. It's so hard when they're so little and just want a pat on the back. Breaks my heart to see her so upset about it.

Ha. Same with my eldest DD.
She gets amazing reports- excellent behaviour /attitude /effort /achievement but never ever got a classroom (public) award in primary school. She was devastated. She noticed the naughty kids who would do one small thing right (eg made an effort to do homework on one occasion- she always did hers) would get an award. Or one who put their hand up once in class to answer something.
Kids are not stupid- they do notice.
I raised one issue with her teacher. My child and about 7 others did a lot of work for a school activity. One girl came to join in at the end and did half day of effort- this one got the award. The other 8- who hard worked incredibly hard for a whole term, got nothing. The teacher at least was embarrassed that so many noticed, but bugger all was done.

My kid is now really demotivated.

Dd always got awards at primary. Now she's at a selective secondary she's not getting them. Think it upsets her a bit.

Just tell her the truth that the awards probably go to people who need them the most to show up at school, and because she’s intelligent and smart and learning (I presume she is) that’s why she isn’t getting them. I would then enrol her into Kumon or something similar afterschool to help boost her confidence.

I came on here after reading the title, prepared to think “another bloody snowflake”, but I’m truly gobsmacked to read this! What on earth does the school think it’s doing to these children? They’re basically being tested and judged and ranked all day, every day, in public. This is horrific (I’m not one for superlatives, I’m genuinely horrified).

The more I think about it, the more awful it seems. If most children are leaving on “superstar”, then what’s the point? If a 4/5yo needs telling off, why publicly shame them by putting their name up on the bloody wall?! What are the teachers trying to achieve?

Praise where it’s due - and it’s never, ever due every day of the school year. Discipline where required, but it must be reasonable and proportionate and tailored.

In your shoes I’d be having a very stern word with the head about this. Publicly testing and judging 4 and 5 year olds is just not on. The school will say that’s not what they’re doing, but from the child’s perspective they bloody well are.

God I’m angry.

Just tell her the truth that the awards probably go to people who need them the most to show up at school, and because she’s intelligent and smart and learning (I presume she is) that’s why she isn’t getting them.

I think I'll try this. Thank you

It does depend on the system as to whether it's reasonable to worry about it.
If most of the others are getting to superstar regularly, then yes go and have a word.
If it's done on a 2 people per week, then it'll be done on a rota and they should all get a turn and her turn will come.
If it's done on a rare, really excellent exception then most children will never get it. One of my DC's schools had a 6 level system and it would be max 1-2 a term hitting the top position.

I'd say there's on average 2 a day getting on superstar. They don't get a certificate or anything for it, but they get to go at the front of the line at home time.

I can't see any reason why she hasn't been on there since september and I find it hard to believe that there hasn't been a day when she would have done enough in all that time.

Just tell the teacher your daughter is aiming for superstar and what can she do to improve to achieve that. Without spelling it out - the teacher will realise she‘s not had one yet.

ittakes2 My worry with that is I don't want the teacher thinking I'm some sort of pushy parent. I worry that it'll sound like it's me trying to get her to superstar where as it doesn't bother me in the slightest.

My kids would tell you but with systems like this, you either need to be bad sometimes so that adults watch you more and throw in some good days or you need to be extroverted so an adult knows what good stuff you do. Being good quietly never wins in these sort of systems. Some teachers/schools recognise this and try to rotate the star of the week so everyone gets a turn.

Could you go in from the angle that you’re a bit worried about DD’s self esteem, as she’s been upset recently that she’s not doing well enough at school and seems to have taken it to heart with regards to getting to superstar. I’d go from the angle that you’re worried about her reaction, that she’s taking it personally/high expectations of herself, even though really it’s the school system that’s wrong.

Unfortunately this really doesn't surprise me - these systems tend to be loudly and visibly promoted to everyone but are actually put in to "encourage and inspire the less motivated" ie to bribe the troublemakers to behave. Kids who already are just getting on with it are entirely overlooked because they're already working and behaving well, and asking for recognition for doing what they are already doing seems to be seen as rather swotty and smug.

From the child's point of view though, its baffling as to why they are doing more than others but getting less. In my case it promoted an attitude of just phoning it in because there was no point doing more than that which is something that's stuck with me into adulthood unfortunately.

From the child's point of view though, its baffling as to why they are doing more than others but getting less. In my case it promoted an attitude of just phoning it in because there was no point doing more than that which is something that's stuck with me into adulthood unfortunately.

This is something that concerns me. There shouldn't be systems like this in schools if they're going to be detrimental to the students who are already behaving well.

In that case I think it's perfectly reasonable to raise it as a question "how can she get onto superstar status as she's desperate to manage it?"
You'll probably get a generic "oh work hard/do something special" type response, but it means she's on the teacher's radar as a child who hasn't got it.

My dc worked out pretty well how these things works.
In reception:
Dd1 said that to get the most stickers you needed to be bad in the morning then you got stickers for "not being bad" in the afternoon. I overheard her and friends talking about whether it was worth getting into trouble in the morning to get the praise in the afternoon (they concluded no)

Dd2 commented that you didn't get rewards for what you were good at, you got them for not being quite as bad as usual in what you were bad at.

Ds said he couldn't care less as he hated stickers especially when they stuck them on his jumper and if he had to have a sticker he'd rather make bad choices.

DD is not quiet or noisy, not super advanced and not a trouble maker. She also started reception in September and everyone in her class has had a star of the week except her. They award the stars for outside school stuff which I always add to tapestry and she does all her homework.

She hasn't noticed yet though and the teacher gave everyone a Christmas sticker after their nativity last week and she thinks its a special star so I am not interfering.

At the moment. I'll interfere next term though.

Definitely not precious. I agree with pps it is actually very demotivating to those children that behave well, work hard and produce good (but maybe not exceptional work) as their continuous effort is never recognised. My dd was the same, took ages for her to win 'star of the week' and then when she did it was for something bland.

There had been many other occasions when she had done something really good which the teacher had praised her for and then someone else had won because their colouring was in the lines.

When she did win it she was just very confused about the whole thing as she couldn't understand why she had won.

In theory I can understand why they have these systems but in practice I think there must be a number of kids every year looking at the badly behaved / less motivated kids thinking wow I must be really shit at everything if they are better than me.

I think it's the singling out that's the problem. We are in France now and there is no individual award, ds goes up or down the colour grid depending on behaviour, effort and results. Sometimes the whole class goes up, sometimes individual children.

There is a lot I don't like about the education system here but I like this, it's fair and transparent. Ds knows why he has been moved up and why he has been moved down a colour. He is pretty average, well behaved and tries his best so about 50% of the time he finishes the week on the top colour so he is motivated to repeat the week after.

Have a gentle word with the teacher. It is easy to overlook and take the lovely, consistent, quiet types for granted. They are the most important ones in a class though as a class with a good cluster of them runs smoothly. Being reminded to pay them attention is no bad thing. It can be tricky to remember to praise them for being an all round good egg if it's not a specific act that has drawn your attention.

Definitely mentioned it to the teacher, say she'd love the chance to be Superstar, how could she work towards that? Dd reception class has (bloody) traffic lights, the 'red' kids get awarded gold cards, in between the neck biting and throwing furniture....

My eldest is in Reception, and they have a superstar of the day award 🙄

I ended up speaking to the teacher about it after my daughter cried that some people had been superstar twice and she never had been. A couple of other mums said they'd had similar complaints from their kid.

The upshot was, the teacher and TA had a list and tried to award it to each pupil once before anyone had it twice. It's awarded for something 'good'; they just found the good in every kid. Anyway, it's awarded just before home time and sometimes a different teacher was in the class so the system got confused.

It sounds special snowflake like, but it's really hard at 4 and 5, so I think it's worth a chat to the staff about.