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Original poster

I never expected grief to feel like...

47 replies

fuzzyface · 18/12/2018 13:27

Missing the person gone only being a small part of it. I didn't expect it to feel like a complete loss of confidence, neediness, anger, feeling disconnected from people you once felt so connected to, getting more drunk than usual and making a fool of yourself, loneliness, insomnia, bitterness because certain people were useless when the person was needing cared for and I sacrificed my mental well being to compensate.

OP posts:

PulyaSochsup · 18/12/2018 13:31

So sorry you feel like this, I don't think there's any right way to grieve......it's a process that needs to be gone through. All of your feelings sound absolutely lousy, especially when experienced simultaneously. Could you get some rl support? It's a rotten time of year to feel like this.

cjt110 · 18/12/2018 13:34

Would it help to talk to us, annonymous if you like, about your loss?

Original poster

fuzzyface · 18/12/2018 13:34

Just plodding on for my kids and I have a supportive DH thankfully.
Thanks for your kind words. I've just been taken aback by these feelings. I thought you just missed a person then it got easier.

OP posts:

Vika1985 · 18/12/2018 13:39

I understand, op. My baby died this year and it has shattered every area of my life. Every relationship has been affected, physical health, panic attacks. In lots of ways it is quite terrifying.

PulyaSochsup · 18/12/2018 13:41

Oh Vika! That's terrible, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Original poster

fuzzyface · 18/12/2018 13:42

That is terrible Vika, so sorry for your loss. Mine isn't as hard as yours

OP posts:

Deadringer · 18/12/2018 13:46

Op I could have written your post. I am heartbroken, disconnected and angry after a recent family bereavement, and the worst thing is that my mum likely doesn't have a lot of time left, and I am sick and tired of the squabbling between the siblings and the efforts by some to do as little as fucking possible for the one person we should all care for the most. The same ones who will loudly profess to being inconsolable when she is gone. It's hideous. Crying again now.

Becca19962014 · 18/12/2018 13:52

I know what you mean, someone close to me suddenly died and though I've lost others before and others to suicide as well this simply changed the world. I never understood what people meant when they said that before because the world stays the same obviously but it's like the whole world just shifts.

That probably makes no sense at all.

Though the person died almost eight months ago the grief only really properly hit me last month advent/Christmas really triggered it for me. Everyone else who knew them dealt with it when they died and far more better than I have. Now there's comments about how much they were suffering and are better off and that just destroys me to be honest.

Every person who's mentioned Christmas to me has regretted it as I can't stop myself from crying.

Basically I think I'd thought that grief was the same with each person roughly but I've learnt that's not true at all - which sounds very naieve!

Heuschrecke · 18/12/2018 13:53

fuzzy, so sorry that someone so close to you and who you loved has died. Grief takes many different forms and goes through so many different stages - none of which is easy. It does change your life, it sounds as though it's very early days for you, but you're allowed to feel everything that you're feeling.

Bumbalaya · 18/12/2018 13:53

fuzzyface you have just described exactly how I feel 2 years after losing my mum. Thank you for your eloquence.
I feel exactly the same.
The thing that I have found helps is gentle little meet ups with people, quiet cuppas at home getting some mice pies in and having chat about nothing much, or meeting 1 or 2 friends at a garden centre cafe, each time I'm slowly gaining my confidence.

I was invited to a small gathering of four and went along, as I was there I really noticed how low in confidence I felt but I did the CBT thing of asking myself where the evidence was that I wasn't worthy of being these people's friends and sure enough there wasn't any, just friends with wide open arms who patiently wait for me to come out of my funk.
It is SO very hard grieving at this time of year. Slowly slowly.

Laska2Meryls · 18/12/2018 13:54

Its hideous I'm 3 weeks in from a major loss but it feels like an eternity.. I haven't made it back to work yet and wont now until NY ( luckily have v understanding boss). Am finding it hard to go out (which is probably good because the few times I have I have made stupid driving errors I've found but luckily none serious ) and I just want to sleep all the time ..

ParkheadParadise · 18/12/2018 13:55

I could have written ur post.
When my dd was murdered 3yrs ago. My life completely changed forever.
I was totally disconnected from everything. I was also 7mths pregnant at the time.
I found bereavement counselling helped me although at first i found it very hard and upsetting.
Take care fuzzyface

Laska2Meryls · 18/12/2018 13:58

getting some mice pies in I know it was a typo bumbalya but that just made me laugh.. I need to ..

Im sad but I dont think i want any of those ......

Actually these last couple of days I have been a bit more myself , but it comes and goes . Im ok just as long as I dont have to talk to anyone about it..

Deadringer · 18/12/2018 14:14

So sad to hear the stories on here, I suppose it's a comfort of sorts to feel that people know what you are going through. Best wishes to all.

PosiePerkinandPootle · 18/12/2018 14:21

You have made a very big and brave first step in acknowledging and giving voice to your feelings. After my mum died it took me a long time to stop worrying about everyone else and think about me. Be kind to yourself is a cliche but it's true. I imagined what my mum would say/do in a situation and carry on with her advice in my head.

Brokenanother1 · 18/12/2018 14:44

This time of year is hard for me. My daughter was born on the 12th dec and died on the 27th. For me, it doesn't get easier but you learn how to deal with it in a better way. I too still have the agonising emotions you describe. Sorry you are going through this. I hated people saying it will get easier in time but it does. Well, like I said you learn how to cope. I hope you feel better soon.

sharke · 18/12/2018 14:44

To everyone on this thread

I suffered life-changing traumatic bereavements in my teenager years. I didn't grieve. It's just made me ask a lot of questions, that will never be answered, now I'm an adult.

Sending love and strength to you all.

Grace212 · 18/12/2018 15:06

OP I hear you. My dad died recently and I've turned into the neediest person ever. It's bizarre. I don't recognise myself at all.

Hugs to you.

Slurpy · 18/12/2018 15:08

I feel the same OP. I'm totally in awe of what proper grief is like - I'm 7 months on, and I feel like I should be pulling my socks up now, but every day I seem to feel it more than before. I've piled on weight, stopped giving a shit about myself and couldn't even contemplate anything that puts me out there (like job hunting, I need to do that!). I've also become very insular, and have lost touch with people I really care about, but it's become a 'thing' with me now, and i can't bring myself to pick up the phone.
Stupid I know, but I didn't realise quite how profoundly it would affect me. I also think I'm quite traumatised by the decline and events leading up to the death, and it's hard to unpick the two different feelings.
So sorry to the people that are grieving on here. Christmas can sodding well do one too.

Brokenanother1 · 18/12/2018 15:23

If it was just me then I wouldn't celebrate Christmas at all but have to at least try to put a happy mask on for oh and my gorgeous 5 Month old. I'm feeling so alone and depressed though, it's hard.

AdoraBell · 18/12/2018 15:33

It will get easier, but that takes time. How long? Long as a looooong piece of string.

It’s been more than 20 yrs since my father died and it still catches me out occasionally.

Be kind to yourself. Maybe try writing down what you are feeling. It can help to stop it running round your brain wreaking havoc. Don’t try be eloquent, write exactly what’s on your mind. Then either put it away or destroy it.

WhoTookTheChristmasCookie · 18/12/2018 16:00

I feel exactly the same and it's been 3 months. I can't work my own emotions out.
All I know is that it hurts very, very much.

Christmas can fuck off this year.

for you.

Original poster

fuzzyface · 18/12/2018 16:16

I have to 'do' Christmas as I have three young kids. I am looking forward to shutting the door on Friday when they break up and the endless list of Christmas activities are over. At least then we can rest a bit and they will have new things to preoccupy them.

OP posts:

Bluetrews25 · 18/12/2018 16:17

all around.

Deadringer · 18/12/2018 16:26

I couldn't give a stuff about Christmas this year, but like you op I am doing it for the DC. Everyone thinks I am coping really well but I am just keeping up appearances. Hope you all have a very peaceful Christmas.

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