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Original poster

I never expected grief to feel like...

47 replies

fuzzyface · 18/12/2018 13:27

Missing the person gone only being a small part of it. I didn't expect it to feel like a complete loss of confidence, neediness, anger, feeling disconnected from people you once felt so connected to, getting more drunk than usual and making a fool of yourself, loneliness, insomnia, bitterness because certain people were useless when the person was needing cared for and I sacrificed my mental well being to compensate.

OP posts:

Buddywoo · 18/12/2018 16:39

It's over 30 years since I lost my parents and I still feel the pain occasionally.

I read somewhere that if you think of grief like a room in your house at first you will be living in that room all the time. After a time (different for everybody) you will come out of the room sometimes but still spend a lot of time there. Eventually, you will only occasionally go into the room but that room will always be in your house.

For those that have lost children it must be completely and totally shattering. I am so, so sorry.

WhoTookTheChristmasCookie · 18/12/2018 17:03

@fuzzyface I have to do Christmas too; my toddler knows all about it this year.
She didn't have a clue last year.
It can still fuck off though

Wrongwayup · 18/12/2018 21:39

So relate to everything you said opening post. For me times 3 close family members. One natural other 2 not and linked. So fuckmas can piss right off x

Kernowgal · 18/12/2018 22:03

I can relate too. I've been so tired and so angry, and I've completely lost my way at work (although there are other issues there, making it even worse). I lost my mum earlier this year and it all feels a bit pointless, and the worst thing is that she's the one I would always ring when I was in a funk like this, and now there's nobody. That's the hardest bit.

I don't really know what to do with myself.

I'm sorry everyone for your losses; there are some tragic stories here.

DocusDiplo · 18/12/2018 22:08

My parent died a year ago.

Goposie · 18/12/2018 22:17

I think people expect to feel sad but it is like you have been destroyed only no one can see. Isolating, traumatising and anxiety inducing. I like the analogy upthread about the room. I also like this

m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=2170954869790560&id=413132078795966&_rdr

Wrongwayup · 18/12/2018 22:21

So spot on. Really struggling at the moment and feel as more time has passed shouldn't but that explained it so well

frecklemcspeckles · 18/12/2018 22:32

I couldn't agree more. I got angry after my mum died at people telling me they were 3 years on and it's no better and I still am angry that people (well meaning though they were) said that to me at such a raw time.

But I also now understand what they meant. It's not the same as the raw period of grief but it's real and recent even after nearly 3 years.

And it can be all consuming in every part of life. I agree with above though, bereavement counselling really did help me understand it more and start to understand the impact on my life. I hated every second of counselling. Every second!!! But it was important. And helped.

I agree with the pp room in the house analogy. I've seen it described as in a kids grief book "muddles, puddles and sunshine". It's completely confusing, total down times in the puddles and occasional rays of sunshine. The idea is that over time the time spent in the muddles and puddles decreases and the sunshine increases.

for you op.

frecklemcspeckles · 18/12/2018 22:33

I selected flowers... It gave you a star

Llanali · 19/12/2018 00:43

I never expected to feel so outraged. I hated that my world was torn down and all around me everyone just continued, in Tesco, in the church, at work. Didn’t they understand that the world had changed? I hated that the sun still rose because for me it felt like it shouldn’t. What was the point in a new day without her?

Grief is awful, all consuming, unpredictable and suffocating. But it does dull. I never moved on, I never got over it, but you learn to put one foot in front of the other and it gets less sharp. I got less angry. Even though after six years, some days it’s all I can do to keep breathing.

littlemisscomper · 19/12/2018 00:48

Enormous hugs for all of you who are suffering.

Becca19962014 · 19/12/2018 10:16

I think for me it was the views of suicide which has been most surprising, but also by the time of their funeral it was viewed almost as a blessing (as they could finally be happy with Jesus (she was very religious)) and the funeral was about thanksgiving for their wonderful life, almost a party atmosphere. No one was to wear black and hymns were cheerful.

I was so livid about that. Red hot raging livid. So much so I didn't go. It was like people were brushing all her suffering and struggling under the carpet as many had in all the time I'd known her, things like "it's just thoughts not like real illness".

I mentioned her last week in an appointment and was told I should be over it by now. She made her choice and I need to "accept and respect" that. The details that came out at the inquest were devastating.

I've never heard anyone say they've suffered with bad anxiety as a result of bereavement - I genuinely thought I was alone in that. Mine has been crippling and leading to physical deterioation.

OP Thankyou for this thread. It's so helpful to hear of others going through similar things.

Becca19962014 · 19/12/2018 10:20

Bereavement counselling here has a massive waiting list and if you have mental health issues you're expected to be getting help for them - much easier said than done. The person I'm discussing here had been waiting six months to be told no as she had mental health issues which weren't eligible for NHS support and no money to pay.

The mental health team at her inquest said "bereavement doesn't effect mental health and is outside their remit" as it turned out was her feeling suicidal as a result of bereavement. The coroner slammed them for it. I wonder how many have read her inquest in the paper and not asked for help or support after reading that.

Original poster

fuzzyface · 19/12/2018 10:27

Sorry for all of you it's so hard.
I don't trust anyone anymore, that's another thing. I just feel everyone lets you down in the end.
I feel resentful that I'd got to a really good place mentally after a difficult childhood and bam this has put me back to square one.
I feel like a child again. Constantly vigilant, yearning to be held and loved but not trusting anyone enough to let them in.
I go through the motions of life, appearing like I'm coping, but inside I'm a mess.
My first wakening thought is a negative one and my last thought before sleep is a negative one.

OP posts:

Becca19962014 · 19/12/2018 10:31

fuzzy I don't know if it helps you or not, but I'm the same.

endofthelinefinally · 19/12/2018 10:38

Yes. You have described it perfectly.
I am constantly on the verge of tears, extremely anxious, angry, distraught, shellshocked, have awful nightmares, my health has broken down completely.
It is 2 years since I lost my son.
I will never be the person I was before.
I am sorry for your loss fuzzyface. And for everyone on this thread who is suffering.

Wrongwayup · 19/12/2018 15:40

The constantly vigilant is you reverting to fight or flight. I have it too. I am having acupuncture for it and she bleeds me. Yes really bizarre but it calms me right down at least for a while

Laska2Meryls · 19/12/2018 19:22

I am so jumpy also , a text alert makes me have palpitations right now. My brain has gone, ..I've just posted a load of complete unrelated blather on another thread .. . I wondered around the shops today in a daze wondering what the F it was all about..and I am drinking far too much .. Its Crap..

And tomorrow i have to go and help DF sort out DM's clothes ad stuff to go .. ..

Oh yeah , and its Christmas.. we are doing it and are hosting DF and DB who are also bereft of course . I have prepared with the help of lists.. Luckily I dont have small DC, that s all I can say ..

So sorry for everyone else grief ..

Millie2013 · 19/12/2018 20:13

Much love to everyone who’s struggling with grief. I lost my dad this year and I can identify with so much of what you’ve all written. I found myself losing my filter and being so intolerant of things that would normally whoosh over my head 🙈 I’m also prone to tears pouring down my face at random times, it doesn’t take much
I’d like to cancel Christmas, but I have a 5yo who’s very excited, so I’m ploughing on

KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin · 20/12/2018 06:20

I feel resentful that I'd got to a really good place mentally after a difficult childhood and bam this has put me back to square one.
I feel like a child again. Constantly vigilant, yearning to be held and loved but not trusting anyone enough to let them in.
I go through the motions of life, appearing like I'm coping, but inside I'm a mess.

I can completely identify with this. It's common in people who have had difficult childhoods.

Was the person who died one of the people who let you down in childhood? I think if you are grieving for a parent or other relative who was very flawed and didn't always do their best by you, and yet you were there for them in their final time of need, you will be battling with very conflicting emotions now they are gone.

You won't just be grieving for them as a person, but grieving for the relationship with them that you wanted but never quite got.

Bumbalaya · 20/12/2018 12:48

KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin very astute comment and I relate whole heartedly. Thanks for your eloquence.

Bumbalaya · 20/12/2018 12:51

fuzzyface it doesn't stay like this I promise, one day you'll wake up just feeling a bit brighter and lighter.
I think human brains aren't built to compute death on any level which is why it takes us such a lot of time to process.

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