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Original poster

Becoming a grandma

35 replies

PippaTom2014 · 17/12/2018 12:58

I’m about to become a grandma, but I have no idea of the do’s and dont’s. I get on very well with my daughter and son in law, but everything has changed so much, they live close by so will be on hand, I just feel out of touch with the new ways with babies. Any help/advice will be appreciated, thanks

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 17/12/2018 13:03

Just be guided by them, and ask them what they would like.

cjt110 · 17/12/2018 13:06

Dont do as my MIL did. DH was heading back to work after 2 weeks paternity. She arrived on the Sunday, for a week (i think) and parked her arse on the chair with her knitting and declared she was on holiday. There was I, exhausted, sore and trying to maintain grace running around making drinks for her, food for her and tidying up.

I cracked by the final day and had to get my Mum to come up

AviatorShades · 17/12/2018 13:07

First rule - it's your daughter and son in law's child. Always ask them if you can do anything even if you think that your way might be better/easier etc.
You had your chance to do things your way when you had her.Smile
Their child = their rules.
Second rule - as above
Third rule - ditto Grin

And congratulations!Flowers

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TulipsInbloom1 · 17/12/2018 13:08

Dont use "you should do X, I used to do Y, you are doing z?!"
Dont ask to have the baby alone.
Dont get miffed or keep count of other granparents visits.

Singlenotsingle · 17/12/2018 13:09

Offer to help but don't pressurise. And ask what she wants you to do and how to do it. You'll soon get the hang of it

FestiveNut · 17/12/2018 13:11

Don't second - guess their choices and don't make a great big song and dance if they don't visit every weekend. They've got to have some family time just the three of them. Follow their lead. Only offer advice if asked.

FlamingJuno · 17/12/2018 13:12

Follow their instructions on how to take care of their child TO THE LETTER.
Offer advice based on your own successes, couched in terms of "when you were a baby you loved xyz".
Wait to be asked, and when you're asked, do whatever it is they're asking you to do.
Don't panic. It's not your first rodeo Wink.
I'm 8 months in, it's great.

Confusedbeetle · 17/12/2018 13:18

I have ten grandchildren. What I read on these posts is a lot of bad behaviour and expectations from grandmothers and some bad behaviour from young parents. I see my role as being as helpful as they need at the time and not when I think. Varies from family to family. You can offer to do things and take a lead as the needs. Do not think of the child as "Yours". Immediately after the birth, many young Mums want their mothers only so tact is needed with mother in law. Be practical, take round a few meals. Dont forget the dads can feel overwhelmed to. Your daughter will not yet know what she will feel so you will need to be guided. Dont worry about childcare practices changing, just ask them. They will tell you. Don't have too many expectations or demands. Enjoy whatever comes along and be the sort of Grandma they want you to be. Be useful but not invasive. Don't engage in any jealousy with other relatives, leave the parents to sort it out. Some grandmas seem to think they have rights to takes the baby out of Mums sight! If they need some space for a while to settle together as a family, leave them to it. They will tell you when they are ready. Enjoy, however it is it can be wonderful

Ceecee18 · 17/12/2018 13:40

Don't do anything my mom did Grin

She drove me mad with her constant remarks of 'well we didn't do that and you were fine'.
Some of the things she disapproved of were DD sleeping on her back (despite safe sleeping guidelines specifying this is safest), that we didn't use blankets, that DD wasn't weaned until 6 months and she hated that we didn't use purées. DD is 16 months old and she still frowns if I give her something like a whole banana to eat because I don't break it up. Then there was the constant offers of 'help' and trying to get me to leave DD with her. And the constant buying of stuff! I was drowning in the things she bought.

MIL wasn't so bad. But again, constant offers to take the baby off somewhere were very irritating. And she would always distract DD whilst she had her bottle (stroking her and talking to her) and then when DD stopped drinking would go 'oh dear, shall I feed her if you're struggling'. I ended up walking off with DD every time she did it until she got the hint. Still infuriates me to think of it a year later.

As long as you remember that yes you are excited, but the parents are as well, and they need to find their feet as new parents then you will be.

Ceecee18 · 17/12/2018 13:41

Be fine that should say

ButtMuncher · 17/12/2018 13:49

My mum is a first time grandma, against my MIL who has five grandsons (of which DS is the youngest).

Although it's likely to sound biased, my Mums bond with my son is infinitely stronger and always has been because she's always listened to me and DH about how we parent DS. Because of that she's been instrumental in how he's been brought up because she's always taken an active interest in how and what we do, and has never been overbearing with advice or suggestions - she's given them sure, but has always acknowledged the shift in parenting from her days (30+ years ago) compared to today.

On the other hand, MIL quickly alienated herself once the newborn days were over and has always taken preference to her other grandkids over DS and DSS. That could be partially because of DH and partially because she's incredibly overbearing with suggestions, advice and practice. She offered to have DS on occasions but would often do things 'her' way - and never listened when we advised that DS liked things done in routine etc. We didn't fall out but are a whole lot less close since DS came along because she doesn't agree with our more attached form of parenting, and told me on loads of occasions that I'm 'babying' my baby and he'll never grow up to be independent or he'll have attachment issues. Ironically, he's independent, slept through earlier than all four of the other grandsons and went to nursery quicker than the others and has well established bonds with many people. It's a shame as I do cherish her and value her contribution, but because she insisted on pushing her agenda when he was very young it quickly put a wall between us as if I disagreed or didn't do as she'd suggested, she took it personally.

So yeah, listen to the parents and don't take well intentioned advice that isn't followed as a personal critique of your own parenting - it's not, it's just we all have our different ideas and that's parenting in a nutshell.

ButtMuncher · 17/12/2018 13:52

Oh - and space. Make sure they have space to grow accustomed to their new roles - parenting is super daunting at most stages, none so much as for the first time, but don't infringe on their space getting used to it. One of my biggest issues with MIL was that she would turn up unannounced at our house when I was feeding, and stay for hours looking to talk (mainly). It put huge pressure on me to entertain her as well as a newborn at a time where I needed to cat nap whilst he napped, or just have some normalcy. I didn't want to be making cups of tea or talking all the time, I just wanted some space. I was grateful for the company some days, but when it became everyday for two weeks I had to say something, which further upset her Sad

Needallthesleep · 17/12/2018 15:16

Agree with all of the above.

I think the biggest thing that has changed is that blankets are rarely used, sleeping bags are much more common. My MIL loves to put a blanket over my baby but it isn’t part of the safe sleep guidelines and it upsets me.

Idontmeanto · 17/12/2018 16:04

The biggest irritation I can recall with my youngest is grandma struggling with the uv protection screen I had over the Pram in high summer. “But I can’t see him!” Just listen to the parents and all will be fine. Congratulations!

Zevitevitchofcwsmas · 17/12/2018 16:12

The very fact your asking and worried op shoe's the first huge bonus.. You care about getting it right and other people's feelings. As pp on millions of mn threads my Mil simply never asked if it was OK to start her own potty training program, never listened when I said it's distressing my dd.. Never convinced me that she would put their needs above her own...

Never asked or included my family and was and is disrespectful.

gunnergirl · 17/12/2018 16:13

you get all the fun and can give them back at the end of the day x absolutely adore my dgd see her every day almost as I live near my daughter

sue51 · 17/12/2018 16:17

Remember guidelines have about feeding have changed and resist the urge to tell the parents how you fed your babies solids at 4 months.

missyB1 · 17/12/2018 16:25

Just ask the new parents what you can do to help, encourage them to be specific. It might be a case of helping with domestic duties rather than the baby at this point , but you will get your chance to help with little one later. Love your grandchild, show an active interest and be there for them. And congratulations by the way!

My in laws are very distant towards ds and have never made much effort, it’s a real shame.

Mishappening · 17/12/2018 16:30

I have 7 GC.

These are the rules I try and stick to:

  • always tell them (parents of baby) how well they are doing - a first baby is a huge challenge and they need boosting up, not gratuitous advice about how you used to do it!
  • stick to their rules when looking after or even just visiting baby. You do not have to agree with these rules, you just have to do it!
  • if you do something with the baby when you are caring for him/her and it works, do not crow when AC asks how the hell did you get him/her to do that! Very tempting, but strategically a big no-no indeed!
  • before baby is born, just ask them how best you might help - get their ideas and stick with them. And adapt if their ideas change. Don't say "Well you said............"
  • remember that this baby is not yours and the joy and special relationship of parents and child is theirs to enjoy. Take delight in seeing THEM enjoy it, and do not want a piece of the action for yourself. I think this last rule is the most important - it is possible to be happy seeing your AC enjoy this new phase of life and not to be envious about it or want to muscle in.

I am very lucky to have good relationships with my AC and my DGC - some of this is simply because they are lovely, and some could be related to the rules above.

There will be a role for you as time goes on and you need to gently settle in to that - on their terms. You will then be able to enjoy being a grandparent - a new and special experience for you to treasure.

Jellyonawonkyplate · 17/12/2018 18:31

Ironically, he's independent, slept through earlier than all four of the other grandsons and went to nursery quicker than the others and has well established bonds with many people.

You sound very competitive, why are you even taking note of when the other grandson's 'slept through'? It'd be interesting to hear the MILs side in this one.

OrdinarySnowflake · 17/12/2018 18:38

Don't treat them doing things differently to your way as saying your way is wrong.

Do ask if they would like visits/meals to fit round baby's routine. If you have baby alone, stick to their routine.

Don't clip articles out of the Daily Mail about different things they could do to fuck up their child for life in the first 6 months.

TulipsInbloom1 · 17/12/2018 19:19

Dont decorate a room in your house for the baby. They likely wont sleep over within the first year at least, without one of their parents and its a bit creepy.

DOs.....
-Suggest they just let you know when baby is here and everyone is settled. And suggest they let you know when they are ready for visitors.
-Reassure them both how well they are doing and remind them to trust their instincts.
-Offer and give practical support (food, cleaning etc). Dont just rock up, hold baby for four hours and demand brews.

CalamityJane10 · 17/12/2018 19:22

Don’t monopolise baby and have the DM running round hosting you.

RomanyRoots · 17/12/2018 19:28

OP, I felt the same with my ds and dil, honestly don't worry.
Just ask them and go with the flow.
It really isn't much different just personal to the parents and their child.
We have baby sat already and gd is 8 weeks old, the bottles were made differently, as required, rather than making them up and placing in fridge in advance.
Most other things are the same.
Good luck, it's a lovely feeling becoming a gp, both me and dh cried.

Santababyclaus · 17/12/2018 19:36

Just be considerate. You don't need to be your dd's slave and do all her housework etc, just do the following :-

  1. Ask if you can visit rather than turn up uninvited.
  2. Don't ask if you can come every day, if she wants you she'll ask.
  3. Ask if there is anything you can do to help.
  4. Don't outstay your welcome.
  5. Don't expect to be waited on hand and foot.
  6. Don't complain that you haven't held the baby enough because it's breastfeeding (if that's the case) or because mum/dad want to feed from the bottle.
  7. Give the baby back to mum when it cries, don't try and settle it with some amazing technique you know which then results in a hysterical baby struggling to feed.

Advice on breastfeeding, bottle feeding, weaning and sleeping will have almost certainly changed since you gave birth to your dd (unless she's very young) so trust your dd that she's done her own research as to what to do and respect that.