Next door reacting to DS crying

[Figmentofimagination]

So frustrated right now. I need to know what others would do/ say in my situation. Would you react or would you keep quiet?

Summary - DS is full of a cold, woke up crying around 6:30, went to soothe him, he cried for 5 mins. Next door banged on the wall to shut him up. Should I say something?

So DS (19 months) has been up and down with sleeping lately. Some nights (even weeks) he's mostly fine. Will sometimes sleep through, sometimes have 1 wake up and quickly goes back to sleep. Other nights he's been teething.

He would wake up crying and then screech if we left him and could go for ages. We've had to resort to taking him downstairs to watch tv and calm down some times as he wouldn't stop screeching, and it was keeping others (DH/ me depending on who was working the next day, and next door) awake. I even posted in chat back in October about the first time DS did this and wouldn't stop, and next door (male) actually shouted through the wall to shut up. Now I completely understand that it's not nice in the middle of the night to be woken up by a baby screeching and crying, but we're not neglecting him, we were in with him when he was screeching. He just didn't want to be alone or go back to sleep. If I took him out of the room he was ok, but as soon as I stepped back into the room with him in my arms he would start up again. Hence going downstairs so others can sleep. When that happened I went round the next day and apologised, explained it was teething and the female said it was ok, she completely understands.

Also, just to make you aware, when he does wake in the night, I will go to him, give him his comforter and dummy, pat his tummy and then leave. Majority of the time he will cry for a minute or two and then go back to sleep.

So to now. I have gone through 2 colds in the last month (so I've probably been noisy with blowing my nose and coughing). DS has just caught my second one. So he's not slept well tonight. He's been up and down a lot in the night trying to sleep with a blocked nose but only cried 3 times. Once around 8:30, once around 3am, and once at 6:26. I went in to see him, found his comforter and left. He didn't like this so sat up (watching him on monitor) crying. I left him, and could hear him slowing down with his crying so knew I didn't need to go back in to sooth him. That he would stop soon. At 6:31 whilst he was still crying (not screeching) next door decided to bang repeatedly on the wall! It had been 5 minutes! It's not like he's crying for 30 minutes. Toddlers cry fgs! He did stop crying a minute later and went back to sleep.

They have 1 dog who I accept barks and runs about. He's woken DS up numerous times during naps and in the evening but I've never said anything or banged on the wall. When they have gone out till gone 1am leaving their dog and another family members dog to run around and fight and bark on and off I've not said anything as that's what dogs do and it's not all the time. Probably a couple of times a month. When they have had parties that are so loud I can hear their conversations/ sing along to their music I haven't said anything (a few times a year). For the past 2 NYE they have had very loud parties (moved in 2 years ago) including putting a gazebo in the back garden last year (under DS window), and we only said something last NYE when it was gone 3am and DS kept getting woken up by their karaoke and the drinking games going on under his window.

So WWYD? Would you say something? Or would you leave it?

The neighbour doesn’t sound like he is reasonable, so I would just tend to your baby and ignore him.

They usually are reasonable, which is why this annoyed me.

I would leave it. I hear my neighbours children crying sometimes and ignore, likewise I'm sure thy hear my children crying sometimes and say or do nothing.
However, when I moved here, we drilled into wall to put TV up (chimney breast wall) and the neighbours banged on wall as if it was too loud. Which is bizarre because you move, you make alterations and it was about midday at the time!

That is bizarre whyislarryhappy. I would expect noise when someone moves in.

That's another thing next door have done. Since they have moved in they have done a lot of redecorating over the last 2 years, even drilling holes right under DS's window to put security cameras up right when I have put DS down for a nap, and again I have never said anything or banged on the wall as it's noise I would expect.

So why did they have to bang on the wall. Why couldn't they just ignore it like I do with all their noise, no matter how much it annoys me.

If he Is regularly woken by your ds he probably just got frustrated, he shouldn’t have banged on the wall but I wouldn’t get upset about it. If he was always banging on walls or being aggressive then that’s different but you have said they are usually reasonable so I would just leave it.

Figmentofimagination. Hope your baby gets better soon. As for your neighbor he seems unreasonable and aggressive. I've had nightmare neighbors before and no matter how low key, casual or reasonable I was it turned nasty and my only option was to move. I wish I had some good advice. Could you soundproof the room or have your baby sleep in a room that doesn't share an adjoining wall? A reasonable person wouldn't bang on the wall when a baby is crying even if it woke them up. A reasonable person would understand that babies cry and there's not much you can do about it. Most reasonable people get that babies cry even when held and comforted. If it bothers him so much he could try earplugs. Instead he's banging on the wall, being an aggressive prick. Hope it somehow works out. Maybe they'll get fed up enough to move.

I couldn’t imagine knocking on my neighbours wall because their baby was crying, it’s hard enough being a parent as it is, let alone treading on eggshells around your neighbours. I think it’s completely out of order.

Hi everyone, thank you for your messages. Sorry I haven't responded earlier. Today has been a horrible day with one thing after another.

I'm not going to say anything this time. It's not worth the hassle. However if they continue to do this, my DH has said he is going to have a chat with them, especially as we put up with their dog barking that they just shout at to shut up. Their a young couple who don't have children, so I'm guessing they don't comprehend parenting, but that doesn't excuse their rubbish behaviour.

Oh, and I'm no longer taking any packages in for them anymore (couple of times a week).

Them having relied on your good nature to do them a favor and regularly taking packages in for them makes their behavior worse. I wouldn't be doing them any more favours either Op. Stand strong. Glad you have a supportive husband.

Well it looks like DH will be going round tomorrow night to chat to them. DS is still suffering with his cold. He wouldn't stop crying just before 12, so I gave him some calpol and took him downstairs to calm him down. Brought him back up about 12:45 as he was falling asleep on me, and I'm currently waiting for him to stop crying on and off (not constant) and go to sleep. They have both knocked on the wall in the last 10 minutes. DH wanted to knock back but I told him it wouldn't help the situation and it would be better to talk to them. Find out why they think knocking will do anything.

I can understand they don't want to hear a crying toddler in the middle of the night and want to sleep. We are exactly the same. DH is up at 4am for work so needs to sleep. And it's unfortunate that DS has gone from teething on and off (4 canines in the space of 2 months) to having a cold. But him crying is not intentional.

It is a hard one, given especially that you never complain about the noise they make impacting on you, From their side you saying your little one was crying 5 minutes which seems nothing to you will seem a lot longer to neighbours and especially given it was more than once that night. That said, I think it is good your DH is going to have a word, maybe make them realise how their noise impacts on your lives. Let us know how it goes.

Sorry but I don't think that having a few parties a year and a couple of nights of a dog barking, or indeed noise during the day time, is the same as a toddler crying in the night every single night. It gets wearing being woken up all the time and it sounds as though the neighbour had just had enough.

I have two bad sleepers by the way so I do "comprehend parenting" as you put it OP, I just don't think that all the examples you put up are particularly unreasonable as they are relatively occasional and/or during the day.

But the things is Briolover, its not every single night. Up until a couple of months ago it wasn't frequent, as DS slept through the majority of the time. And when he did wake up (once every couple of weeks) and cry it would only be once in a night and he would only cry for a couple of minutes. In the last couple of months he's been teething and then he has caught a cold. When he was teething, it was still only a couple of nights a week, but some of those nights he wouldn't stop so I would remove him from the situation by taking him downstairs.

Now he's caught my cold it was 3 times on Sunday night (including at 8:30pm when they were awake), on Monday night he woke up crying at 9pm but once we gave him calpol and put him back to bed he didn't cry but didn't go to sleep till 11ish as he coughing kept disturbing him, and then he slept through till 7:30am, and last night is what I said above.

And the examples I have listed for their noise, I wasn't saying their were unreasonable. I was saying whilst it annoyed me I accepted them as it's normal household noise.

I suppose the thing to remember here is that as you say it was crying for a couple of minutes, however that still means they are being woken up and possibly it takes them ages to get to sleep. My neighbours have their grand daughter to sleep over frequently and I am always being woken up by her crying, it does not really matter how long for, basically once it wakes you it is hard to get back to sleep, I tend to use ear plugs now.

BrioLover the examples Op gave are about showing your neighbors a reasonable tolerance for the noises they make as part of their own lives. And respecting that next door is their home and they will have noise that carries as part of day to day life. It is a perfectly good comparison to make because having a baby is part of their day to day life and babies make noise. If they don't like living next door to babies or children and the expected noise that comes from that then they don't have to.

There is no justification for banging on the wall in response to babies or children crying. Banging on the wall won't solve the problem of being woken up. Banging on the wall won't stop babies and children crying nor will it somehow magically give parents the magical ability to stop or prevent their baby or children from crying. Banging on the wall will probably cause the baby to become even more distressed and therefore cry more. Banging on the wall will probably cause the parents stress too. It's not a solution, it's frustration and intimidation. If it bothers them so much that they can't sleep then they are responsible for their own inability to ignore the crying or sleep through it or get back to sleep and find a genuine solution that works for them. Earplugs or sleeping in another room. That's what mature adults do. A few light bangs on the wall might work for things like letting someone know that their TV is too loud because they might not realize and can turn the volume down. You can't turn the volume down on babies and crying children. It's an impossible expectation and having impossible expectation just causes problems for everyone involved.

Op I hope your husband can talk some sense into these people.

What an arsehole, I'd definitely get DH to say something, children cry! That's a given.

You're tired too, Jesus, if only settling a toddler were as easy as banging on a wall.

There's no way I'd be able to keep my mouth shut if my neighbour did this. Completely out of order- it would be different if the banging were to you and dh arguing every day but it's because your baby is crying!

It blows my mind that people are like this.
If they bang again then I'd be extra loud at 6am and make sure they were woken up. I have people.

Gosh why don't they just get some good quality ear plugs! This stage won't last forever!

They sound like dicks.

Get DH to take round some ear plugs and tell them that believe it or not, banging on a wall does not help babies go to sleep.

They are not nice people! Send DH. Round to have a word.
I’ve lived in my house 3 years when we moved in the baby next door was newborn I don’t think that poor mother has yet to have a full nights sleep. It wakes me up most nights but I just ignore it because I’m not a dick!

I feel sorry for all of you in this situation. I'm guessing they are so tired they're banging out of frustration, maybe they think you could move to a different room that doesn't share a wall.

If your DH does go round for a word, all he can do is explain that it's not your choice to be up all hours either and you are trying everything to get baby to sleep. I wouldn't bring up past examples of you tolerating their noise.

One day they might have children and karma will "bang on their wall" x

Our previous neighbours left their DS to cry for 30 mins or so every single night for years. They also had noisy sex every night at 10:30pm which meant that we had to stay up until after that time or put up with it. They bought a drum kit one Xmas and woke their DC up at 4am to start playing it. They let the kids play the drums late at night. We never ever complained, banged on the wall or said anything.
DS2 practised his saxophone in the afternoon when he got in from school, in the upstairs room that was on the other side of the house from the party wall. They soon put a stop to that. Some people are just cunts tbh and the best answer is to move house.

It sounds from the lady neighbours response when you spoke to her that they know they are being unreasonable and her partner is probably getting an earful from her when he does it.
Personally, given the fact they arnt silent neighbours themselves, i would have to say something. Or write a note and pop it through their door. Id say something like "hi there, ive noticed you have taken to banging on the wall when my son is crying at night. I appreciate it can be disruptive and i apologise, he is currently poorly and please be assured we are trying our best and not just leaving him to cry. However, banging on the wall makes it worse as he cries at the aggressive noise. We would apprecaite it if you would bear with us as we are trying to settle him and we are aware you can hear it, just as we can often hear yours and your dogs activities. After all, we all want a good nights sleep! Thank you". I know the banging probably doesnt bother your DS but for arguments sake lets say it does. They might stop then. Chances are you'll get a nice response as they arnt ballsy enough to come round and talk to you about it but hide behind a bit of wall banging at 1am.
Also, you can complain to the coucil if you wish. Child crying is considered within normal noise remits while wall banging at 1am is not.

I've never banged on the wall but our neighbours' first child cried for hours every night for months when they were very young. I appreciate it wasn't their fault but it began to have a huge impact on me because I was awake every night and then struggled in work the following day to the point where it was a struggle even to drive to work because I was so tired.

It settled down and then he got to toddler stage and the screeching started.

It may only be recently that your neighbour has been disturbed but that doesn't make it any less frustrating for them. They shouldn't have banged on the wall but if they've been reasonable up to now then they probably just got to the end of their tether.

Well my downstairs neighbour used to regularly wake me shouting at presumably her husband. Once awake and it continues, it's impossible to sleep. I went down one morning and slammed on their door and shouted SHUT THE FUCK UP BITCH, not my finest moment but this war of her fucking ranting for hours sometimes had been going on for weeks and I had my own shit going on. It has quietened down since.

You have to realise, that while you're tired, it's YOUR baby. They don't have a baby (and probably unlikely to have one lol). Your baby is waking them up all hours of the night. They are naturally frustrated. They don't know that you're trying to soothe the baby, all they can hear is fucking crying that is waking them up every night.

I would be banging on the wall too to be honest. There is only so much you can take. Presumably their noise is during the day, whereas your noise is at night where sound travels and disturbs sleep.

You need to give your child a dummy and be a little bit more considerate.