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Original poster

WWYD: Break RSVP for family Xmas dinner?

48 replies

ClemFandango11 · 16/12/2018 11:40

I’m wondering what people would normally do in this situation: a friend of mine sent a beautiful invite to a Xmas tea, of which I RSVP’d yes I’d come. It’s happening before Xmas and while I have a childfree weekend. I checked with my partner and he said he was free to come too.

My partner today had told me that his sister is now hosting a family Xmas dinner the same day. I reminded him of the pre-existing plans. He’s obviously not wanting to miss his family Xmas dinner to go to my friends house for tea.

I’ve suggested I go to my friends for tea, and he goes to his sisters. But I know in reality he’ll have no way of getting there as he doesn’t have a car.

In this situation would you get in contact with the friend to pull out of plans? I feel awful, but I’ve looked into alternative dates and apparently the other family members won’t be around on those days :(

There’s just this big part of me that is not wanting to pull out of the first invite as I said yes to that one a couple of months ago!

OP posts:
mama1980 · 16/12/2018 11:42

I would stick with the initial arrangement and if your partner wants (understandably) to go to his family then he can sort transport. To pull out now would be very rude and hurtful as it sounds like she's gone to a lot of effort.

FestiveForestieraNoel · 16/12/2018 11:43

I'd go to your original engagement. Your DH knew of it when his sister was organising the family event and should have indicated that the date didn't work for him.

HollowTalk · 16/12/2018 11:44

Surely the tea is at a different time to the dinner? Why can't you go for tea and then on to dinner?

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OutragedERIC · 16/12/2018 11:46

I wouldn’t pull out of something I’d said yes to just because something else had come up, no.

Johnnycomelately1 · 16/12/2018 11:46

Agree. You do your thing. He does his. You're not a taxi service. If he was single he'd find a way to get there wouldn't he?

MadeForThis · 16/12/2018 11:47

Keep your plans with your friends.

Dp can get some of his family to pick him us. Or bus or taxi.

GemmeFatale · 16/12/2018 11:47

You’ve already committed to your friend. It would be rude for your DP to ditch but if he decides the family thing is more important I’m sure he’ll cope with a lift from a family member, bus, taxi or whatever.

Original poster
ClemFandango11 · 16/12/2018 11:48

@HollowTalk with travel time I’m not sure it’ll be doable. I’d end up being a couple of hours late to my friend’s tea. (Dinner is the 12/1pm kind, and tea is at 3 and the two locations are about 40 miles apart.

OP posts:
purplecorkheart · 16/12/2018 11:49

You have prior plans with your friend. It would be hurtful and rude to cancel. Your dp needs to get a taxi/bus/train to his sisters or ask someone to collect him.

Hoosh · 16/12/2018 11:50

Go to your friend's thing. She's planned it and invited guests way in advance and is probably putting a lot of effort in. It also sounds like it'll be lovely.

MissBartlettsconscience · 16/12/2018 11:50

Can you drop him off, telling his sister you can't stay and then go to your friend's? How he gets home is something for him to sort.

HollowTalk · 16/12/2018 11:50

Oh sorry, I thought it was an evening dinner.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 16/12/2018 11:50

Surely the tea is at a different time to the dinner? Why can't you go for tea and then on to dinner?

I'm guessing OP is somewhere that those terms are used interchangeably to mean the big evening meal; and so even if one was early and one very late; they wouldn't be able to eat very much at the second.

I'd stick to the original invitation; it'd be very rude to pull out now. His family have left it late to organise a meal and expect everyone to be free.

If your DH intends to pull out and go to his family; he needs to let her know ASAP, but I'd take a dim view of him letting down my friends to be honest.

HollowTalk · 16/12/2018 11:50

Don't let your friend down.

HollowTalk · 16/12/2018 11:51

Could he get public transport to his sister's, with someone picking him up from the station, and you could drive to pick him up and say hello after your tea?

Holidayshopping · 16/12/2018 11:54

Go to the tea-it would be unspeakably rude to pull out.

How does your partner normally get to his sister’s house, or in fact anywhere... without you to drive him there??

Perhaps he could get a lift/bus/train/taxi/walk.

Hoosh · 16/12/2018 11:54

Can I also suggest that you get in touch with the sister yourself to apologise and explain you've got an existing invitation to a special get-together that you can't cancel.

I'm sure your DP is lovely but it's always best to do these things yourself in case the reasons for you declining her invitation get garbled along the way.

M0RVEN · 16/12/2018 11:54

When your partner accepted his invitation he knew you had plans and that his usual taxi driver wasn’t aviailable. .

That was his choice. He can make his own transport arrangements . How did he get there before he met you ?

It would be very rude for you to bail on your friend because you now have another invitation which you think is better.

Original poster
ClemFandango11 · 16/12/2018 11:54

I know, cancelling seems rude, especially as it’s been on our calendar since early November. It’s just when I suggested that we do separate trips he said that my “yes” wasn’t a contract.

However, I wanted to make sure with normal people as my family is fairly disfunctional , that a family engagement doesn’t take priority?

OP posts:
Original poster
ClemFandango11 · 16/12/2018 11:56

And yes, I’m really looking forward to the tea! If the invite is anything to go by it will be really elegant!

OP posts:
WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit · 16/12/2018 11:57

No a prior engagement takes priority - and anyway your DP can go to his family thing, he just needs to get off his arse and get himself there and back. Since he's the one that agreed he was going to it and all.

Bringbackthestripes · 16/12/2018 11:57

You have already accepted the invitation from your friend, your DH was out of order to accept an invitation to a family event when you already have plans.
It would be unforgivable to let your friend down.

Original poster
ClemFandango11 · 16/12/2018 11:59

@Hoosh, that’s a really good suggestion. I’m meeting his sister on the 19th anyway separately, so hopefully I can explain fully then.

OP posts:
purplecorkheart · 16/12/2018 12:00

Sorry but your partner us a git. You do know that your friend has probably gone to some expense already

Holidayshopping · 16/12/2018 12:02

I know, cancelling seems rude, especially as it’s been on our calendar since early November. It’s just when I suggested that we do separate trips he said that my “yes” wasn’t a contract.

That attitude really sucks. He wants not only him but you to pull out of a prior arrangement so you can drive him where he wants to go! Who even does that?!

I’m meeting his sister on the 19th anyway separately, so hopefully I can explain fully then.

How much more of a full explanation does it need than, ‘oh no-sorry, I already have plans!’ ?

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