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Original poster

WWYD: Break RSVP for family Xmas dinner?

48 replies

ClemFandango11 · 16/12/2018 11:40

I’m wondering what people would normally do in this situation: a friend of mine sent a beautiful invite to a Xmas tea, of which I RSVP’d yes I’d come. It’s happening before Xmas and while I have a childfree weekend. I checked with my partner and he said he was free to come too.

My partner today had told me that his sister is now hosting a family Xmas dinner the same day. I reminded him of the pre-existing plans. He’s obviously not wanting to miss his family Xmas dinner to go to my friends house for tea.

I’ve suggested I go to my friends for tea, and he goes to his sisters. But I know in reality he’ll have no way of getting there as he doesn’t have a car.

In this situation would you get in contact with the friend to pull out of plans? I feel awful, but I’ve looked into alternative dates and apparently the other family members won’t be around on those days :(

There’s just this big part of me that is not wanting to pull out of the first invite as I said yes to that one a couple of months ago!

OP posts:

Snowwontbelong · 16/12/2018 12:03

Did you tell him his 'yes' to his dsis wasn't a contract either?

ThanosSavedMe · 16/12/2018 12:03

You’re not stopping your dp from going to his sisters though. He just can’t be organised to organise his own transport. Enjoy your tea with your friend

Original poster

ClemFandango11 · 16/12/2018 12:09

I get on well with his family, and I’d hope that he wants me there as he wants me to be a part of his family meal... not just for the free taxi provision!

It’s also one of the rare times I get to see some of the family he has that will be traveling in to the area. So he’s not being a total git. But I take on board everyone else would still keep their earlier plans. Which is my gut instinct too.

OP posts:

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Disfordarkchocolate · 16/12/2018 12:15

It's always rude to cancel plans when something else comes up. I'd go to see your friend, a Christmas tea sounds lovely. If his sister picked this date as it meant others could attend she's already fully aware people have some plans already in place near Christmas.

Lifeofsmiley · 16/12/2018 12:16

I’d still go to the tea. Your friend is probably really looking forward to it .
And from the comment about it not being a contract he does sound like a git

OffToBedhampton · 16/12/2018 12:18

You already have plans that can't be changed with your friend, who has gone to a lot of trouble. It's a shame that DSIL has arranged family get together on same date but ho hum, such is life. Few people are free at last minute at Xmas.

Check with your DP which one he is going to, if he plans to let friend down (& had agreed to go) but you're certainly unable to do both & already committed for that day to friend's event. He'll have to sort his own transport to his DSis's.

It's a no brainer. Friends don't let each other down "because another invite comes along later".

Nocado · 16/12/2018 12:19

If you've both accepted a formal invitation then that prior commitment stands for both of you imo. It sounds like your friend is going to some trouble and will already have planned and incurred expense for the event.

ChristmasFlary · 16/12/2018 12:20

Stick to your tea plan's. You're seeing his sister anyway so you can explain.

Don't be emotionally blackmailed into going as l suspect more will be said the nearer you get.

Holidayshopping · 16/12/2018 12:24

OP-are you going to answer how he normally travels to his sisters-well, travels anywhere in general.

veggiepigsinpastryblankets · 16/12/2018 12:25

Yes don't pull out of the tea! Family stuff only takes priority if it was organised first, or I suppose if the thing with your friend was a vague plan to mooch around on the sofa. Given that she's gone to the trouble of sending out actual invitations months in advance it sounds like a lot of planning has gone into it and it would be incredibly rude and hurtful to pull out now.

Presumably if he doesn't have a car he often has to make his own transport arrangements? Could you drop him off at a train station at your end and a family member pick him up at the other end?

FoonaLagoonaBaboona · 16/12/2018 12:37

Drop him off, stay for an hour say hello to everyone then leave and go to your friends and he can get himself home.

sockunicorn · 16/12/2018 12:49

(as long as you want to go to the tea) i would stick with the first plans i made. think how you would feel if it was the other way round.

Didiusfalco · 16/12/2018 12:56

He’s saying your ‘yes’ isn’t a contract because it suits him. Just because it isn’t a contract doesn’t mean it’s not bad manners to pull out. If you get on with his sister like you say she will understand.

Original poster

ClemFandango11 · 16/12/2018 14:21

I’m out and about at the moment, so don’t have a lot of time to reply, but in answer to a couple of questions:

He gets around by bus, bike, taxi or walking normally. But we have one car, which is mine, as he sold his car after we got together.

I’m not sure if there are any easy public transport routes to his sister’s. But I think that isn’t my issue, I will let him know later that I’m sticking to my plans, and I can understand if he doesn’t want to miss his family Christmas meal, but I’m not pulling out of the previous plans at this point.

OP posts:

IncyWincyGrownUp · 16/12/2018 14:35

Well done to you. His point about your yes not being a contract stands for his to his family too. How unutterably rude of him to assume his plans trump yours.

Enjoy your meal with your friend.

Tatfreehouse · 16/12/2018 14:41

If you can't drop by him off somewhere really early why doesn't he stay at his sisters or a nearby relative the night before?

Iloveacurry · 16/12/2018 14:44

Stick to your plans and go to your friends.

Molakai · 16/12/2018 14:48

16th December is pretty last minute to arrange a family Christmas meal so there should be no surprise that you have a prior engagement. I'm glad you have decided to keep to your orginal plan.

SassitudeandSparkle · 16/12/2018 14:50

In this case it seems that your DH already knew you had accepted the other invite and made plans before he told his sister that you'd go - so your initial plans are the priority IMO. Equally, I can see why he'd want to go to the family meal.

Is it easier to give him the car and you get to your friends by taxi?

FenellasRedVelvetDress · 16/12/2018 14:55

I would drop him off at his sisters, pop in with him for an hour ( if you get there @ 12.30 ) , and then leave @ 1.30 which should give you plenty of time to get to your tea party.
It’s down to him how he gets home - surely one of his family members could take him to the train/bus if they couldn’t bring him all the way?

It would be very rude to cancel on your friend so don’t.

AppleKatie · 16/12/2018 14:58

I would go to his sisters for the family lunch at 12 then leave at 2.30 (leaving him there if he wants) to go to friends tea arriving socially acceptably late at 3.10.

Explain to SIL that you love her/the family but have a prior arrangement.

Inertia · 16/12/2018 15:07

Agree with Fenella's post above. It would be very hurtful and rude for you to cancel on your friend, but I agree with other previous posters that you should decline the family invitation yourself, citing the prior commitment.

You can take your partner to his family, explain that you have a prior commitment at 3 so need to leave at 1.30, and partner can stay with his family and make his own way home or one of them can drop him off.

MadeForThis · 21/12/2018 21:40

How did he react OP?

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