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Original poster

Crying in front of children

53 replies

LahDeDah · 15/12/2018 19:12

Do you ever think it’s ok to cry In front of children? Does it matter if the reasons are different? I.e. because you have hurt yourself physically? Or for emotional reasons?
Does age make a difference?
I think it’s ok to cry as we all do it but to be honest about it (In a child friendly way) maybe? Or should we always hold it together In front of our children?

OP posts:

RebelWitchFace · 15/12/2018 21:56

Children generally are unnerved by their parents showing too much weakness.

Crying is not weakness.
Tbh DD has mostly seen me crying at movies, but that's ok because she's normally crying too. OH just rolls his eyes.

Clawdy · 15/12/2018 22:42

Crying at movies is very different though from a child seeing a parent in great distress. It rocks your world and is very frightening.

TheBubGrower · 15/12/2018 22:50

My DS has seen me cry loads, particularly during my current pregnancy! I find it really hard to bottle up emotions and cry when I'm sad, frustrated, stressed, ill, tired, angry. I think it's healthy for kids to see how their parents deal with emotion. For the same reason i think it's ok for them to see conflict between their parents. There's a difference between having a little cry, talking it through and explaining why you're sad, that it's ok to be sad sometimes etc VS moping around, crying all the time, using your children as an emotional crutch, making them feel guilty about your sadness etc (which is what my mum did for years when her and my father divorced, which was not appropriate nor responsible parenting). My DS sees how my OH comforts me when I'm sad and talks things through with me, and my DS shows an incredible amount of empathy now from seeing this. When I'm sad he'll come and hug me and tell me "It's ok mummy" he's 2.5 by the way. He obviously doesn't like it when I'm sad but i don't think it scares him. Emotion scares so many people, i think it's a good thing he's learning how to handle it. My MIL proudly states that she's never cried in front of her kids and consequently my OH would be terrified at the thought of seeing her upset and wouldn't know how to handle it. He isn't always the best person at dealing with emotion now, or at least hasn't been in the past (but has had to learn to handle it with me! 🤣) and i think that's partly from being sheltered from it in the past. Crying isn't a weakness and it's healthy to let your emotions out so you can be supported by the people that care about you

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TheBubGrower · 15/12/2018 22:53

"It rocks your world and is very frightening"

I agree that this is the case if it's entirely been hidden from you and then you get a glimpse of it. If it's normalised though then this wouldn't be the case. Crying shouldn't be seen as a frightening thing. It's a natural emotional response.

nutellalove · 15/12/2018 23:02

Depends. My mum cried a lot when I was a child, I think it gave me complexes as most of the time I didn't know why she was crying and I became overly anxious about it. If obvious reasons that a child would understand, and if explained, I think ok. If not, I think better to try hide it from them. I think I now have issues as an adult as I don't cry in front of anyone ever which people have told me isn't normal.

Queenofthedrivensnow · 15/12/2018 23:09

Well I've cried in front of the dds tonight. My dog has ripped up a bit of carpet. Not the end of the world but the tipping point for me. They got themselves ready for bed in their own. Dd2 went off to sleep like normal but dd1 who is 9 couldn't fall asleep and started to cry. It took a long tome to settle her. I feel awful and guilty she was really scared

MsAwesomeDragon · 15/12/2018 23:13

I think it's fine to cry in front of the kids if you can explain in a child friendly way.

Sometimes it's unavoidable, as you can't always help crying even if you can't explain the truth in a child friendly way. In that case I'd make up a lie about why I was crying.

I cried a lot when I had a miscarriage. Dd1 knew why I was crying, as she was 12 and old enough to understand. Dd2 was only 2, so she was just told that I didn't feel well and that's why I cried a lot at that time.

I don't make a habit of crying a lot though. If I was sad enough to cry often then I'd be trying to find a way to stop being so miserable, although I do realise that's not always possible. So long term things I think I'd try to hide it from the kids as much as possible.

BackforGood · 15/12/2018 23:23

Its a fine line between showing them its ok to show emotions and not making them feel insecure. Children generally are unnerved by their parents showing too much weakness.

This ^

Positively a good thing that they understand it is OK to cry and that sometimes it is a good way to "let your sadness out" but you don't want to end up in a position where they feel they are responsible for you.

Zevitevitchofcwsmas · 15/12/2018 23:26

It's perfectly natural to show a range of emotions to dc.

We are not in the the victoria age anymore

EleanorLavish · 15/12/2018 23:28

I’m always crying!
Sad film, hurt myself, miss my folks... sometimes it’s due to frustration or a row with the kids, and I’ll try to hide that.
But just everyday drama, blubbering is good. I tell my kids it’s ok to cry.
My 14yo son was crying the other day, they showed a sad film in school and he was finding it hard to process.

EleanorLavish · 15/12/2018 23:28

He was crying at home, held it together in school.

knittedjest · 16/12/2018 00:05

Only if somebody dies or another serious reason.

I think crying in front of children for any mundane reason just serves to make them insecure, frightened and anxious. Children need to view their parents as strong, stable and capable. They can't do that if you break down in hysterics every time you nump your toe.

Nousernameforme · 16/12/2018 00:24

My mother was a crier and I remember being scared of it when I was younger. When I was a teen I was more angered by it in a pull yourself together kind of way. Now I tend to view most crying as manipulative and pathetic.

So no I don't cry in front of the dc we do talk through emotions though.
But then I am not the most well adjusted person.

StillMedusa · 16/12/2018 00:40

I can count on one hand the number of times I have cried in front of my children...and they are aged 21-26! I cried recently when I received a text telling me that one of my former pupils had died unexpectedly..I'd been with her for nearly 5 years and she was doing so well (I work in special ed) My DD2 was away for the weekend but rang me the moment I texted her as she knew I would be devastated.

They saw me cry when I had my soul mate Morph put to sleep. And when my Dad died. But that's probably it. I'm not a crier by nature and I personally feel that a frequently crying parent is likely to create anxious children...we are meant to be calm and strong. You can express feelings without burdening the kids or making them feel responsible for your happiness.

tablelegs · 16/12/2018 00:40

I do but I'm pregnant and very hormonal.

Clawdy · 16/12/2018 09:11

StillMedusa you summed it up perfectly.

KittyMarrion · 16/12/2018 10:05

Of course it's perfectly healthy to show emotions in front of children. How else are they going to learn the skills they need to manage them if not?

If I cry my children aren't unnerved by it. They soothe me. They have learned that is an effective way of managing sadness.

Phillipa12 · 16/12/2018 10:21

Children need to see that its ok to cry, but there is a line. Dc2 died suddenly when she was 3, her brother was 5, myself and my now ex cried...... a lot. However i kept the truely raw grief to times when i was not around dc1 as i felt he was to young to see that traumatic grief. My ex didnt, dc1 saw the lot from him and then on our divorce he saw the traumatic grief surrounding that. Dc1 who is now 10 has been battling ptsd for a few years, all caused by what happened and what he witnessed, he never discusses his sister or the divorce with his dad and despite loving him deeply his dad is one of his triggers for his ptsd. I just find it deeply sad that his dad allowed him to see such trauma and grief despite being told to be careful as he was vulnerable. Dc1 and i have a fab relationship, he knows he can cry with me, he dosent have that relationship with his dad though......

AdoraBell · 16/12/2018 10:28

Fine to show that we all have emotions and that being sad is a normal as being happy.

Keeping it together for the sake of the children can actually backfire. When my father died I turned to books to get me through. In one the author mentioned a patient who grew up believing his mother had never loved his father because she didn’t cry when he died. He said he hated her for her lack of compassion. As a child he had no idea that she was using all her strength to keep the tears at bay until her child was in bed.

EATmum · 16/12/2018 10:30

I cry a lot at movies, and my girls gently take the mick out of me for it. But yesterday I cried because my youngest was in so much pain and I couldn’t help her (ear infection, nothing long term) and we were both very sleep deprived. I felt awful for not being stronger for her.

QwertyLou · 16/12/2018 11:42

Agree with a lot of what has been said above. I too may be using the “tears let the sad out” phrase!

My son has occasionally seen me cry. I lost a much loved sister many years ago and certain days (like her birthday) can be hard.

Sometimes I’ll slip into my room for a short cry and he’ll burst in wearing his Batman suit, I can’t help but smile :)

It’s a fine balance though, tears are okay, I can explain that everyone feels sad sometimes and it’s normal. But any heavy duty weeping (which thankfully for me is very rare) i’ll save up to do in the shower when he’s asleep.

rebelrosie12 · 16/12/2018 11:45

Yes I think it's really important to see us cry, especially boys so they realise it's a normal and natural thing and nothing to be embarrassed about. I never hide away from my children if I feel like crying, but I always explain why I'm crying. I remember seeing my dad cry for the 1st time when I was 16 and it was terrifying.

theveryhighlife · 16/12/2018 12:00

Yes, I cry in front of my children, usually over something I've seen on tv, be that happy or sad!

Oceanbliss · 16/12/2018 12:14

Phillipa12

Lifeofsmiley · 16/12/2018 12:20

Crying is not a sign of weakness.
Yes my ds sees me crying, I’m not ashamed of it

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