What I wish I'd known as a younger woman/person?

[Graphista]

Inspired by those mners who are younger and struggling with certain aspects of life and remembering how that felt and wishing I had the knowledge I have now then.

Some lightheartedness but also some serious points.

1 how to be assertive - it's a HUGELY beneficial skill that I wish I'd developed many years ago as a way of dealing with those particular personalities that are used to and like getting their own way almost constantly

2 just because you're related to someone doesn't mean you have to like them or even have much, if anything to do with them.

3 NOBODY gets parenting exactly right. Most are learning as they go and making mistakes along the way and wondering how the fuck the poor buggers are still alive!

4 a well paid job that makes you miserable is not worth doing, better to be in a lower paid job you're mostly happy in (also all jobs have pros and cons)

5 it's ok not to like everyone you meet and it's also ok that not everybody likes you.

6 speak with care - because once it's said it can't be unsaid (admittedly still a learning curve for me)

7 everybody's "hard" is different. Doesn't make it less hard.

Eg I have always loved kids and been looking after other people's kids for donkeys years in various forms so I found being a sahm relatively easy. Because I'm suited to it. BUT that doesn't mean it is for everyone. When I then became a working single mum I found that incredibly hard as it wasn't suited to my personality at all but I had people in real life and on another forum think I was unreasonable in finding it hard - yet they couldn't have coped as sahm's. I also have OCD. I've found it very useful when coming across people who are less than synpathetic to find out what their fear/phobia is (OCD for me at least is a TON of phobias) I've then presented them with a scenario in which they have to spend every moment of their lives overwhelmed by the thing that causes them the most fear - eg if spiders "ok well imagine from as soon as you wake up until you go to sleep at night everything you do you are having to be surrounded by tarantulas, every task you have to clear tarantulas out the way" then they kinda start to get it.

8 equally - don't make your life harder than it needs to be. On mn this is often stated as "lower your standards". Your home doesn't have to be perfectly neat and tidy all the time, use shortcuts if they'll make your life easier in other ways there are no prizes for being a martyr. I don't iron, I've recently discovered how easy dresses make life!, it's not going to do anyone else any harm if I occasionally have a bowl of cereal for dinner!

9 pick your battles - especially with kids. (Again still kinda learning this one myself) It's all too easy to get mired in ALL the little annoying things a child/spouse/partner does. Sometimes it's the thin end of the wedge - I get that - but sometimes it's just different standards to others.

10 never feel ashamed of what you enjoy.

There's a lot of snobbery in society around certain hobbies/pastimes. I love watching tv as in I really genuinely enjoy it and get very involved in learning about the shows I watch and their development and the actors, directors, writers etc. I used to be embarrassed of this as being "just a telly addict" not any more. Gaming, LARP & I'm sure others I can't think of right now are treated dismissively by those not into them, as long as a hobby/pastime doesn't prevent you from being a responsible adult in the rest of your life how you choose to relax is entirely your business and nobody has the right to shame you for it.

11 friendships just like relationships require effort. Value your friends and thank them when they have gone above and beyond. It can be hard to make the time for friends when you're newly partnered and possibly in early days of parenting. But it is good to make time for yourself and for friendships inc with those friends at different life stages to you. It maintains the friendship (remember you're friends for a reason) and gives you a different perspective on life from the life stage you're currently in. Which can be really good for your mh and help you remember who YOU are when you're not busy being someone's wife or mother.

12 that doesn't mean you have to put up with poor treatment though. Someone who treats you poorly without consideration for your feelings or difficulties is not a friend.

So... What do you wiser/older mners wish you'd known as a younger person?

That you shouldn't 'make allowances' for how people behave to you, at work or at home. It's OK to accept an apology but don't make their excuses for them.

That liars should never, ever be trusted.

Things I'm glad I did know:
Money is power, if you borrow it you're giving your power away.
For me, a well paid miserable job for several years was worth it to guarantee financial security...and because it meant I could marry the man I loved and support our children.

Lovely post OP. I agree so much about assertiveness and accepting that not everyone will like you and THAT'S OK. Ditto family members that you don't get on with. I spent years in therapy learning all this stuff. I'm a reformed people pleased and I am so much more content now

I would add that if you find yourself asking, in the early stages of a relationship, whether he's worth it, he's definitely not. Don't waste your time

And it's fine, normal, healthy and admirable to not have children if you know in your gut that it's not for you. Life without children can be wonderful and don't get hung up on the possible regrets - anyone can end up regretting anything

I love that -

If you're in the early stages of a relationship and wondering whether he's worth it he's not - that advice would have been really useful to a younger me.

Also agree parenting isn't for everyone.

I can't imagine never having been a mum but I have a fair few friends who are childfree by choice and the main often only problem they've had as a result is other people not accepting their choice.

Having children is a huge responsibility and changes your life completely it's not to be undertaken lightly.

Great post. My contributions:

1. Never be financially dependent on someone else. Have your own income.

1. Get married before you have children with someone.

1. Know the law and your rights.

1. Commit to lifelong learning.

1. Be kind to people.

1. Go for that job even if you only meet half the criteria.

Love your post unobtainable and agree with most of it.

I'd add to "knowing the law and your rights" know your responsibilities!

An awful lot of people now "know" their rights without acknowledging that with rights come responsibilities.

Who gives a shit what those people think?? If they are not your closest family or your dearest friends (or colleagues you have to see every day, but even then only to an extent), WHO BLOODY CARES? You'll most likely never see them again, and you'll forget all about each other immediately. If you like something, then who gives a toss what anyone else thinks??!

It is FAR less scary and FAR less awful than you think - and in fact you'll find it's rather lovely most of the time - to leave a shit, or even mediocre, relationship, so stop wasting your time and focus on you.

I wish I’d known that I didn’t have to be polite to over familiar, rude men.

That you don’t have to do things you don’t want to if they are meant to be fun. The amount of money I wasted on work Christmas nights out/work holidays/clubbing/bar hopping when I would genuinely much rather have been sitting at home with a glass of wine and a book. Now I just don’t bother and I am so much happier.

1. be kind

2. don’t let any man treat you like shit, you are fucking amazing and you don’t have to stand for it!

3. nobody is the perfect parent we are all just winging it, and seeing what happens....

4. do NOT care what others think

5. when people treat you badly do not make excuses for them, they make a choice to treat you badly

Never have to rely on anyone else for your money. Get as much education/training as you can to make this happen.

You do not have to walked over by men at work. It doesn't matter if they don't like you, cos the patriarchy, or consider your behaviour unfeminine. That just keeps women down, and its meant to.

I wish I'd known my value in a relationship. I married two abusive arseholes because I'd been brought up to believe I didn't deserve any better.

Iare good men out there. You need to be someone who is prepared to get out if you are treated less than well. I'm finally there, in my 50's. I hope other people learn this sooner.

Doing the high prestige job wil not necessarily make you happy. I got heartily sick of the politics and mind games and work a half day a week doing a 'menial' job. There are no politics, and I leave the job where it is when I go home. By careful money-management and some good luck I can afford to this. I am much happier, and if you judge me for not using my degree, or for doing said menial job, then I don't care. You are not the sort of person I want in my life.

I'm 27 now- but so far:

1.When someone shows you who they are believe them. The FIRST time. Abusive people never change.

1. You don't have to be nice .Just because their family doesn't mean you have to put up with everything and anything under the sun .

3.Walk away from anyone who does not respect you. 4.It's okay to put yourself and your needs first, and to say no to things you don't want to do. 5.Don't go above and beyond for people who won't even meet you half way.

1. Every heartbreak will hurt so bad but you'll get through it.

6.it's okay to have slow days and to stay in bed if your feeling low. 7.start running sooner! 8.if you love someone tell them often, but also show them.

1. please spend less money on make up

10. You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.

I wish I’d heard this old adage when I was younger:

No man is worth your tears. And the one who is would never make you cry.

"I wish I’d known that I didn’t have to be polite to over familiar, rude men." Omg yes!

I'm trying to get my almost 18 year old, very tall, very attractive dd to get this. She gets so much hassle on nights out even from men old enough to be her bloody grandpa!!

"Never have to rely on anyone else for your money. Get as much education/training as you can to make this happen." Sadly even this isn't necessarily enough. I have 2 degrees and a wealth of experience in a variety of roles but I'm unable to work due to ill health currently. I (mistakenly as it turned out) thought I was well enough to return to work last year and applied for over 200 jobs. Only got 3 replies all rejections.

"Doing the high prestige job wil not necessarily make you happy" true - similar to my comment on higher paid jobs (and the 2 often go hand in hand)

When I look back at the jobs I've had I was happiest in the least paid, least prestigious ones! If I had my health I'd honestly quite happily go back to waitressing or factory work - jobs which at the time I took as "stop gaps" but where the atmosphere was relaxed and I got on well with colleagues and there were no politics or competitive bullshit!

I am HOPING with some support to organise myself to set up working from home next year, doing a relatively low paid low pressure role but in an area related to my 2nd degree and a subject I've always loved.

"It's okay to put yourself and your needs first, and to say no to things you don't want to do." Saying no does not make you a bad person! Something I think girls and women particularly find difficult.

"Every heartbreak will hurt so bad but you'll get through it." My favourite saying - and I've been through some brutal shit! - "this too shall pass" sadly applies to good stuff too hence - enjoy it while you can!

Another favourite that I've used a lot with dd - be who you are and say what you feel. Because those who mind don't matter and those who matter won't mind!

She worries FAR too much about what people she's not close to, even strangers, think. About how she looks, her accent, her education etc. But those that love her will always love her regardless, and the people that judge her on such things aren't worth worrying about - she's gradually getting there.

'Never be financially dependent on someone else. Have your own income.'

Yes yes to this. Always

'It's okay to put yourself and your needs first, and to say no to things you don't want to do.'

YES! One of the best lessons I've ever learned

Your voice is a powerful thing, words are powerful too, so be careful when you need to be but never ever be afraid to use it.

I was an incredibly shy child, i hardly ever spoke, as i got into my teens i became more confident but there's probably hundreds of times where i wish I had spoken up, just said what i wanted to say, but I had been to afraid to because of what people might have said or incase i was wrong. I was stuck in my own little world because that, i felt like only i knew the real me. If only my younger self could have known there wasn't anything to be scared of

Having a partner is not the be all and end all.
I stayed far far too long in a relationship because I thought no one else would want to be with me. Much much better off being single and learning to be happy with that than in a bad relationship.

Yes. I've been single almost 15 years.

Often see on here mners reassuring a poster that "you'll find someone else" and I always want to say "there's nothing wrong with being single"

It's perfectly possible to have a happy fulfilled life without a partner or spouse.

Think very carefully about who you have a child/children with, you're stuck with them for life, the useless feckless waste of space that is.

Earn money, save it. Spend when you want to, but only what you have. Debt is one of the biggest holes to climb out of.

Don't give up a job for a man or children.

You don't have to have sex, or any aspects of, with anyone if you don't want to.

There is always a way out and don't wait until you are desperate to find it.

If he hits once, he will again.

Advice to younger self.......

Don't worry what others think of you, it doesn't matter

No one is perfect - we all make mistakes

Think before you speak. Things can't be unsaid

Loving these. Great words of wisdom.

This time last year I choked on a piece of lamb. 3 hard slaps from my husband got me nowhere. Luckily the second HM did. However, life passed by me very quickly as i thought I would soon collapse. I can still remember the feeling quite vividly. Many things, and life, I view very differently now.

They are soooo true.

Don’t rely on a man for money.
Anxiety is a normal part of life and can be managed.

Lovely thread and so many words of wisdom.