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Original poster

DD 14 has had the same boyfriend since she was 10

48 replies

Itwasflick · 15/12/2018 14:48

She came home one day in yr5 and said she was “going out” with *Sam (not real name). I just kind of nodded and said oh that’s nice thinking they would be finished the next day.

They’ve been together ever since. I don’t really know how I feel about it. It’s got to the point now where his DM has sent a message asking if we want to come over for Xmas drinks etc. I’ve met her quite a few times before obviously but this feels more, I don’t know really!

They are lovely together, have never had an argument, have quite a few lessons together and seem to work ok (they have been moved in one lesson for talking too much). He is a lovely boy, they spend two afternoons together a week after school. One here and one at his (supervised obviously).

I just don’t know if I should be encouraging it. Or encouraging DD not to put all eggs in one basket so early on. They show no signs of splitting up anytime soon.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
BikeRunSki · 15/12/2018 14:50

She had a bf in Y5?

I dint think my Y5 DS even talks to girls unless it’s absolutely essential!

Original poster
Itwasflick · 15/12/2018 14:52

Yes but “bf” in the sense of so and so going out (which usually means not talking to each other and then getting your mate to tell them you aren’t going out anymore the next day)

OP posts:
FestiveNut · 15/12/2018 14:52

I'd leave it alone. Some relationships with childhood sweethearts go the distance. Others peter out in college/uni. I would have a contraception chat as a matter of utmost urgency though, if you haven't already.

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CurlyhairedAssassin · 15/12/2018 14:54

I’ve never known a year 5 boy have romantic feelings towards girls either. Year 6, maybe one or two boys would.

Is it a proper romantic relationship or just a very close friendship? To be honest, on paper (or screen!) it would cross my mind that this boy may be gay as the boys I know that age who have been very close to girls have turned out to not be heterosexual, but obviously I don’t know him so I could be talking bullshit!

Darkbaptism · 15/12/2018 14:55

Sounds like they are best friends, I wouldn’t interfere in any way.

My DD1 is 17 and she said that quite a few of her friends who had been in long relationships got dumped in August/September as their partners went to university.

Original poster
Itwasflick · 15/12/2018 14:56

I don’t think in year 5 it was necessarily “romantic” in the adult sense at all. I remember lots of people have boyfriends for an hr or a day in year 5, I don’t think it’s so unusual.

Lol’s no he’s not gay as far as I can see!

OP posts:
user1499173618 · 15/12/2018 14:56

I think that all you can do is accept it! And accept that, while such a long term relationship is unusual at so young an age, it’s really not the worst thing that can happen.

Redglitter · 15/12/2018 14:57

Sounds more like theyre just best friends. Id leave it alone

Original poster
Itwasflick · 15/12/2018 14:58

We have absolutely had the contraception chat many times and his mum has had it with him too. We text quite often to catch up.

There was an incident a few months ago where they were cuddled up on the sofa and his mum asked them to move apart a bit. I know they kiss but I don’t think it’s moved past that stage at all.

OP posts:
NottonightJosepheen · 15/12/2018 15:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lizadork · 15/12/2018 15:00

You describe him as a lovely boy and the family are accommodating (and respect supervision rules etc) then I'd leave them as they are. I think sometimes you just know who is right for you and if this lad is lovely, then that sets the bar for future relationships (unlikey still together at 24 but could happen). I think if happy then let them continue. I think if you see any signs that tell you this relationship is not doing her any good or making her unhappy and she appears to not want it anymore, then support her in getting out of it. If you intervene then you'll get the blame and she is likely to cling to him more. Getting to an age where she can decide where she lives and the last thing you want is a 16 year old moving in with boyfriend etc.

User10fuckingmillion · 15/12/2018 15:00

I was divorced by year 5 Wink
‘Dating’ in primary school was very normal-and in no way like teenager dating. Anyway there’s nothing you can do about it OP so I’d just let it run it’s course (or not).

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 15/12/2018 15:02

I dated the captain of my primary school football team in year 5. Not even a stealth boast that, just an all out one!

I wouldn’t worry. They sound sensible and lovely.

FestiveNut · 15/12/2018 15:02

Well as long as that's done I think you're pretty much in the clear. How lovely for her to have found someone she's so compatible with so early on. It may well fizzle it at 17/18 but even if it doesn't, I don't see a cause for concern.

BabySharkAteMyHamster · 15/12/2018 15:03

Ive known my oh since I was 5.

We got together just after I turned 13 and decades on im still with him.

Id leave them be. Most young relationships fizzle out but some are just meant to be.

Original poster
Itwasflick · 15/12/2018 15:03

@lizadork, yes one of the things i was most worried about was DD curtailing interests etc to accommodate Sam but she doesn’t seem to and neither does he.

She’s going on a school exchange for a month and he isn’t going. Lots of plans for how they will keep in touch but I thought it was good she didn’t want to stay behind as he wasn’t going. Equally they both have hobbies and their own group of friends.

I don’t know, half of me is dreading the inevitable break up and the other half is just worried!

OP posts:
CormoranStrike · 15/12/2018 15:04

Is think best friends or gay too.

My son always gelled with the girls more - only officially dated one - at school, but his closest friendships were always female. He is totally out of the closet now!

If not, chat about contraception ASAP. Cos if they haven’t thought of doing it yet those hormones may well encourage it soon.

Original poster
Itwasflick · 15/12/2018 15:08

No I’m really not thinking gay. He is very alpha male boyish (not that that precludes being gay!), but kids who are gay in their school are quite open about it.

OP posts:
chocolatebox1 · 15/12/2018 15:10

I can't really see the harm in it, if he's sweet isn't it better to just leave them alone rather than encouraging her to date other boys who might not be anything like as nice? The contraception issue is important though, but that's the case whether it's Sam or another lad in the future. It probably won't last but everyone has to learn to deal with breakups at some point. I'd just let them get on with it but keep a watchful eye re sex and so on

Alwaysdrama · 15/12/2018 15:12

Tbh it all sounds really healthy in terms of boundaries and parental supervision etc.
She could be having way way less suitable relationships at 14 so this sounds by far a better situation!
It’s likwly it will fizzle but if they have a big break up then you will be there just like for all the other life events she will go through.

Just keep doing what you are doing and maybe think of it as a best friend type thing for now (ie not unusual to be invited for drinks with parents of a best friend) and not worry it means they want to talk weddings!!

ReanimatedSGB · 15/12/2018 15:14

Let them get on with it. There are no benefits at all to you sticking your beak in. They may outgrow each other, they may end up becoming sexual/romantic partners and staying together all their lives, or they may not. But it's up to them, not you. Operate the same sensible, accepting (having advised re consent and contraception) attitude a good parent would apply to any teenage dating situation.

ElspethFlashman · 15/12/2018 15:15

I know someone who is married to someone she's been dating since they were 12. Well obviously it wasn't really "dating" at that point but they stayed together all through teens etc. Married at about 24.

I was a bit shocked at first but she said "Yeah sometimes I wonder if it's a bit odd, but he always had what I enjoy, and I still enjoy him"

cushioncuddle · 15/12/2018 15:19

My son now 20 always liked girls and had a gf for seven months in yr5 another in yr 6 and others since then. It's not unusual for boys to be interested in girls.

I'd just let it run its course. It's heartening that she is still doing all her activities she enjoys.

I think your reservation is that is she becoming over invested in the relationship. Look at it as if you've been invited to one of your D friends house. See it as that. If it feels more than that I'd step back. If their relationship ends in the future their is nothing worse than the parents feeling as if they are part of it.

VladmirsPoutine · 15/12/2018 15:19

I think the way you react would be critical here. Don't act as though you're planning a wedding or preparing for an impending grandchild. Just keep things all very light and breezy. If you do have time to go for Xmas drinks I see no reason why not to. This alone wouldn't put me off enjoying drinks with people whom I presume you think are normal and just welcoming you for drinks due to your children's shared friendship. I'm pretty sure in Y5 I'd got engaged and divorced a few hours later. Some of these relationships last and some don't. And frankly I'd rather my teen daughter if was going to have sex did so with someone she's known and gets along with for this length of time than the way I did which was a drunken shag at my best friend's house party at 15 with a boy I never saw again.

Lovemusic33 · 15/12/2018 15:21

My dd is the same age and had a boyfriend for quite a while, really they were just good friends, they decided in the summer that it wasn’t a relationship and they broke up but have remained best friends (he comes over quite a bit). There’s no way I would be going over his parents for Christmas drinks, they are 14, leave them tooo it.