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Original poster

DD 14 has had the same boyfriend since she was 10

48 replies

Itwasflick · 15/12/2018 14:48

She came home one day in yr5 and said she was “going out” with *Sam (not real name). I just kind of nodded and said oh that’s nice thinking they would be finished the next day.

They’ve been together ever since. I don’t really know how I feel about it. It’s got to the point now where his DM has sent a message asking if we want to come over for Xmas drinks etc. I’ve met her quite a few times before obviously but this feels more, I don’t know really!

They are lovely together, have never had an argument, have quite a few lessons together and seem to work ok (they have been moved in one lesson for talking too much). He is a lovely boy, they spend two afternoons together a week after school. One here and one at his (supervised obviously).

I just don’t know if I should be encouraging it. Or encouraging DD not to put all eggs in one basket so early on. They show no signs of splitting up anytime soon.

Thoughts?

OP posts:

AllTakenSoRubbishUsername · 15/12/2018 15:22

Surely at 10 even if they use the term 'boyfriend' it is just friends, just a term. Maybe now she's 15 she's starting to see him a different way. I think drinks with the family sounds fine, they haven't asked you to move in!

Lovemusic33 · 15/12/2018 15:23

And everyone assuming he is gay? Really? My daughter is bi and most of her friends are boys, none of which are gay.

HestiaParthenos · 15/12/2018 15:24

Remain neutral.

Don't give her the impression that she has to stay together with him because he's as good as a family member by now, but also don't discourage it.

Let's face it, putting all your eggs in one basket is risky at any age, and at ten, a girl may be better able to judge a boy's personality than at 14, when hormones strike and boys start being "nice" to pretty girls for selfish reasons.

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Families

Missingstreetlife · 15/12/2018 15:30

University will be a decider. Don't interfere, encourage own activities and friends, stand by with dustpan and brush

user1494055864 · 15/12/2018 15:37

I wouldn't go for drinks with the parents, unless you were already friends to start with through school. Making an effort to be friends because your kids are 'going out' is a bit weird.

HashTagLil · 15/12/2018 15:39

My MIL and FIL have been together since they were 14. They're late 70's now.

It can last, just don't put any pressure on them. Either way.

Roussette · 15/12/2018 15:40

A BF at 10 is bizarre, but there you go.

As far as getting friendly with his parents and texting, and having drinks, that is what is more strange to me. Of course, you are both going to be looking after your own child and talking to them etc, but I have never made a point of getting friendly with any of my (now adult) DCs BF or GFs parents. It's a recipe for disaster when they break up!

Lifeisabeach09 · 15/12/2018 15:49

They do sounds a lot like best friends, not just GF/BF.
I'd let them to it.
Also, if you like his parents and want to be friends, go for Xmas drinks. I don't feel the kids 'dating' should be a barrier to this.

jessstan2 · 15/12/2018 16:02

I think it's really sweet, a lot nicer than some relationships fourteen year olds get themselves into.

There's nothing unusual about parents of your children's friends getting together with you socially. We used to do it, got quite friendly with a couple. So please do go, you might find you really like them and enjoy yourself. Just don't make a big deal out of it all. At least you know where your daughter is and with whom.

I don't get the 'gay' comments above frankly :-). It's like adding 2+2 and making five.

brizzledrizzle · 15/12/2018 16:03

just be supportive and see what happens, they might be best friends and they might be more than that who knows? My DD has been with her boyfriend for about 4 years and they have plans to marry when they are older - it might happen, it might not but whatever, we will be supportive.

anniehm · 15/12/2018 16:08

I would take the middle line approach, support her to make her own choices but not overly encourage it (avoid he's part of the family). There's couples who are very happy who met young but other stories of couples who break up acrimoniously once old enough to properly date/university. Good friends met at 5 - obviously not dating, but were good friends through childhood and dated from teen years (now fast approaching 50)

Ohyesiam · 15/12/2018 16:08

It sounds like quite a spacious relationship. It would worry me if she were giving up opportunities to be by his side. But sexual awakening is inevitable, and it sounds like quite a good way for it to happen if they are still together in a year or two.
Ikwym though op, i have a 14 year old with her first proper bf.

Ollivander84 · 15/12/2018 16:15

I met a boy when I was 12/13, he was never my "boyfriend" but more a - obviously when we were older!! Someone I fancied and a friend with benefits type thing
I'm 34 and still meet up sleep with him so 20 years or so

CanSurvive · 15/12/2018 16:22

Sounds like they started out as best friends but clearly in a relationship now. I know lovely professional friends who are married and started going out at 13. Basically best friends then moved on.
Go for the drinks and if they’ve been together that long I wouldn’t be surprised if the relationship became sexual before they are 16. Cussing in the sofa whilst other family are in the room is fine. Lying on top of each other grinding, nope told that is for when they’re in private.

It’s hard but you can’t exclude or over include.

But turning down drinks your daughter will want to know why and at this age push her away.

Original poster

Itwasflick · 15/12/2018 16:41

I think I’m going to go. We don’t text in an overly friendly “how’s your week been” kind of way. More “just checking DD is at yours”, “Sam’s had dinner here”, “DD has just left ours should be with you soon” etc etc

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 15/12/2018 17:11

Or encouraging DD not to put all eggs in one basket so early on what do you mean by this OP?
As long as she knows she doesn't have to be with him a moment longer than she wants to, they have their own friendships and time apart and own hobbies etc then it sounds like a really good example of a healthy relationship.

IdblowJonSnow · 15/12/2018 17:17

He sounds lovely and it all sounds pretty healthy so what's the problem? If his folks are nice why not go along for drinks? I always had boyfriends from the age of 7! Not serious or sexual beyond a kiss until much older. I think I'd be happy enough with this with either of my two? It's just an unusual length of time to be together at their age!

Lattesforlife · 15/12/2018 17:26

I went out with a boy from when I was 11 till I was 17. It started out as mostly friends but we would hold hands (the innocence!) and then we progressed to cinema dates and ‘proper’ dating at the appropriate stages. We mostly copied what others were doing - so if they started going to cinema on dates then we would. We kept in touch but at 17 he started going off the rails and he died when we were 34. His mum still keeps in touch, but my parents hated him as they felt he led me astray (he probably did a bit!)

MaisyPops · 15/12/2018 17:42

It sounds lovely.
If your kids are really close then I don't see any difference between going for drink with his parents and having drinks with other parents your child would be friends with.

Lots of people I know have made friends through their children being friends.

Alwaysdrama · 15/12/2018 17:50

Tbh it all sounds really healthy in terms of boundaries and parental supervision etc.
She could be having way way less suitable relationships at 14 so this sounds by far a better situation!
It’s likwly it will fizzle but if they have a big break up then you will be there just like for all the other life events she will go through.

Just keep doing what you are doing and maybe think of it as a best friend type thing for now (ie not unusual to be invited for drinks with parents of a best friend) and not worry it means they want to talk weddings!!

bringbacksideburns · 15/12/2018 18:07

Leave them to it I think it sounds lovely. If they were living in each other's pockets it would be different.

I know people who got together very young; she was 12 and he was a bit older. They are very happy years later. Sometimes people are lucky and can be childhood sweethearts.

In contrast to my 16 year old daughter who now has had her heart hurt three times and I've been her shoulder to cry on. I know which I'd prefer.

Jux · 15/12/2018 18:28

It's entirely possible that they'll be together forever, and that would be lovely! Equally, they may break up and remain friends, which would also lovely. I'll keep my fingers crossed for them (and you!).

Just go with the flow. You've made sure that they will/should be responsible when the time comes, and you can't do much more than that,

fleshmarketclose · 15/12/2018 18:33

Dn married his primary school gf. She has been his only gf and he has been her only bf. He's 33 now, they have two children and are probably one of the most happily married couples I know.
He says he found perfection first time so why would he want to try something less.

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