Others in family making decisions about my mums money

[cousineddie]

Is this ethical/allowed?

My mum has some cognitive issues (mainly processing and short term memory) and lots of mental health problems , she’s awaiting a CT scan . She doesn’t work and receives benefits . Normally she has a very poor quality of life and doesn’t go out much at all . Clothes are all very old . Her bed is broken (wooden frame is spilt down the middle) as is the one I use at home . Never had a holiday etc .

Recently she received a lump sum from the DWP to do with a back payment for ESA or something. She was intending on spending some of that money on Christmas presents for Dsis and I (dsis is severely autistic so still sees Christmas as present time) and so we could have a nice Christmas dinner , she and I could maybe go to the cinema and get a coffee after . She was also going to buy me a hair cut .

I’m a student so I don’t have the money to pay for that sort of stuff either , I’d have to save for a couple of months .

I helped her buy £150 worth of stuff for my sisters Christmas , she will be delighted , she’s got some fab things to open .

My mums relative rang me yesterday and shouted at me for this , for a fair while , the money is there for savings only and nothing else and she isn’t to spend it and they’re going to try to take it off her so she can’t access it . It’s for her future in case she needs to go to a nursing home or something one day . Left me in floods of tears after . I’ve had severe depression for a couple of months and was looking forward to getting home and having a nice time but Christmas will be on a v tight budget as per usual .

Am I in the wrong for thinking just saving all that money (it’s 5k) isn’t worth it ? Mum’s funeral is paid for already and all that . She’s only 53... It would be nice if she could have some quality of life at the moment . I don’t know if I’m being silly . I know Christmas isn’t the be all and end all . I was thinking mum could have bought herself a new bed and some decent clothes . And maybe she and I could have gone to the cinema and got a takeaway at New year .

I don’t know if I’m being silly , I’m just frustrated... mum doesn’t have any power of attorney or guardianship or anything like that , just that family will be very very angry and might withdraw support if she spends any of that money . They check her bank etc ... I would get the blame and I don’t think I’d be forgiven.

I don’t know what to do - accept that Christmas will be a case of sitting in the house for 3 weeks and scraping together for a meal etc , or using some of that money (no more than £500) and having a lovely time and enjoying ourselves ? After all if things are as bloody dire as family suggest (sheltered housing etc) might as well make the most of time we have ?

Surely there is middle ground between blowing the money and living frugally. Agree her needs , new bed etc, should be priority above presents and days out. However none of you should have access to this money without poa. This needs to be resolved urgently , before her cognitive ability is more seriously affected. Where does dsis live ? Does she have an income and security if dm needs care?

Rather than spending that money on yourself you should have used to get a new bed for your Mum.
You could have spent half the amount you did on presents for your sister as well
It’s your Mums money and you mention YOU getting a haircut and going to the cinema and having a takeaway etc. It’s not yours to spend and I agree with your relative
However, you do sound quite young and like you are dealing with a lot so I can see how it was very tempting to have a few treats but it really wasn’t your money and if your Mum has a broken bed and no clothes then that should have been a priority

Dsis has an income yeah , she lives in residential care (supported living) with 24/7 carers. She doesn’t have any POA etc either but manages fairly well by herself, her carers would support her to make any decisions with regards money . She’s got a psychiatrist etc as well... mum won’t engage with mental health services so that’s where the first difficulty is . Second difficulty GP says problems are not as bad as family think they are (I think both aren’t seeing the full picture) so wont refer mum for assessment. Her neurologist though wants this CT done.

There are a few things-

She got £5k, all the things you want (haircut £25, cinema £15, coffee £6, Christmas dinner £40, presents £300) only adds up to less than £400. Why is everyone getting so annoyed about spending less than 10% of the lump sum?

Agree she should prioritise a bed and some durable warm clothes, but then there will still be over half left for savings.

Is she being taken advantage of by other relatives?

If your mum has a broken bed and no clothes etc then that takes absolute precedence over days out and coffees and cinema trips etc. £500 is an astronomical amount to spend on yourself when your mum has nothing.

While the relative’s attitude needs questioning they are the ones with the right idea, your mum needs looking after, not enabled to spend what little money she has on others. How is it her relatives have access to her bank accounts if there is no POA in place?

You have acted inappropriately in thinking that you need substantial amounts for presents for you and your sister, and a Christmas dinner. £500 is ridiculous. Do your family have a right to an opinion? Absolutely especially if their providing support. Your mum may only be 53 but it sounds like she has a lot of emerging health needs. She should be supported to ensure that she has the essentials that she needs such as a new bed, clothing and anything else reasonable that she might want. She should keep some in savings so that when things break in future she can replace them. £5k won't touch the sides for the care home costs although she may be expected to fund a client contribution so savings will help her to maintain a decent quality of life.

Perhaps your relatives are worried that you are taking advantage and feel that the money should remain untouched.

Your mum will need that money at some point so why are you going for days out and hair cuts when she should be buying the necessities, new bed etc, and saving the rest?

Not one penny of that money is yours or your sister's. Bed and clothes for your DM are basic priorities, and at her age, saving the rest to minimize the risk that she'll ever be without those basics again.

Presents, haircuts, cinema tickets or 500 quid on "having fun" together indicate a remarkable lack of judgement or care for your mother's situation IMHO.

You shouldn’t have spent the money on anything other than your mum’s needs. You’ve behaved horribly.

I haven’t spent any of the money.

Mum asked me to buy my sister presents. Kept phoning crying because she hadn’t got her anything. The money I spent cake out of mums usual budget.

I’ve given my mum thousands of pounds over time , including a credit card, my EMA from school, etc, and been her main carer since I was four years old.

I haven’t spent a penny apart fro, that £150 that mum asked me to spend.

Am spending most nights awake worrying about the future as doesn’t look like I will have a mum much longer, haven’t got a father and dsis will need me. Don’t know what is best sometimes.

I don’t think that spending £150 on your sister’s Xmas presents is really demonstrating quality of life currently for your mum.

You did it with a good heart, but as a concerned relative I would worry that this would be the start of a constant drip on the money, and it really really doesn’t take long for £5000 to go.

Your sister didn’t need £150 of presents, although it sounds like it would please your mum and be her wish that your sister get some. Just not £150. £50 and charity shops would have got her a huge pile!

And I don’t think you should accept your mum spending any of it on you, when she has a broken bed!

I’m sorry for the situation that you’re in - and it sounds like your relative was OTT - but I understand their concerns.

OP you need to pay for your own cinema / haircut / takeaway. But you already know that.

Gordon Bennett, the op is a student who lives with her, all she wanted for herself was her hair cut, cinema and going for a nice meal. She's not blowing the lot on herself and anyway it's up to her who wanted to treat her daughters. I think op's suggestions were nice and quite modest and I'm sure her mum will love it.

Yes, a new bed should come out of that money and anything her mum wants. Then save the rest.

I've no idea who the other relative is who got cross, all I can say it's a pity she was told about it.

Mum's funeral is already paid for and she is in secure housing. I think the op is right to want her mother to enjoy life as much as she can, part of that will be seeing her children enjoy some treats. Doesn't sound as though any of them have had many.

Have a lovely Christmas op, take some photographs, make some nice memories. I hope your mum's CT scan doesn't show up anything too serious.

They’ve said a lot of times I’m selfish and self centred (family have), I just asked mum if she could help me out with a haircut and sanitary pads as I’m struggling to afford both (my rent for halls of residence is sky high). I paid for Christmas last 3 years out of wages (I haven’t been able to work this year as had a nervous breakdown and suicidal thoughts ), and have a huge overdraft.

It’s all a bit of a mess tbh.

She needs to use some of her money to make her life better, bed and clothes first priority. A few treats would be good too.

There was a court case recently where a lady had saved thousands of her sons benefit money for him which was subject to a fraud case because the savings were not declared and benefits were still being claimed.

As your DM is on benefits surely she won't have to fund future care herself?

Wow there’s some harsh people in here.
I would suggest:
Stop relatives having access to her bank account immediately
Remind your mum to inform them it’s HER money to do with as she chooses
Carry on as before!
You sound a lovely daughter and sensible too, I hope you, your mum and dsis enjoy this and have a lovely Christmas and New Year

Op
You are being given a unnecessarily hard time here.
You sound like you have very good principles. And have taken on responsibilities at a tender age that most people posting would baulk at.
Stand your ground if you can. You have followed your mum's wishes in buying her disabled daughter some nice Xmas gifts. Refuse to be intimidated. You have done nothing wrong.
If this is a backdated payment it was income that your mum should have had for a long time. If she had had it, she may well have been in a position to put a few pounds away each week. The fact that she was deprived of her rightful income is the reason she has no sodding clothes or a decent bed.

I think having a nice Christmas is a good way to spend a small proportion of the money which is exactly what you were doing. Do you have access to your mum's bank because I'd be suspicious as to why relatives were so concerned about a small amount of the £5k being spent.
She should definitely get a new bed too. In the future if your mum goes into a home £5k won't last 5 minutes I genuinely think you should use the money to improve her life now.

I would say priority should be making sure your mum is safe - proper bed, warm clothes, money to pay for heating and food.

Your sister is safe already, she is cared for already, has her own benefits and while Christmas presents for her are nice, they don't have to cost £150.

However your relatives have no right to take your mum's money from her if they don't have POA for finances, neither is saving it for a future nursing home a concern - £5000 would only pay for a couple of weeks anyway and as she is on benefits her care would be funded by Social Services.

She is better off spending some of the money now (carefully) to make sure she is warm for the winter and safe.

It sounds like it might be useful for you to have power of attorney for your DM? Who are these relatives who are checking her bank account? Do they provide useful support or is it mostly just telling you off? I don’t think any of the things you’ve talked about your mum wanting to spend money on are unreasonable. And treating herself and her daughters and having a nice Christmas may well have a positive impact on her mental health. Ignore the relatives if you can.

I can see both points of view here. £5000 is a lot of money which could make a big difference to your mum’s quality of life. If I were your relative and saw it going on Christmas presents and haircuts for you and your sister rather than on the things your mum urgently needs (new bed, clothes etc), I would be concerned that you were financially exploiting your mum.

Clearly you are not, but that’s what it could look like to someone who doesn’t know the full details as you’ve explained them to us.

Hello Cousin Eddie, well done for seeking advice, you'll get a big range of viewpoints here. Ignore the aggressive ones!
Life has been very tough on your family. Well done on getting to college/university that shows great strength and a brighter future. Don't let set backs hold you down keep pushing forward.

If you were my daughter (I'd be very proud) and I'd advise you to make some lists.

Home Environment - what can you do to make it better for Xmas eg spring clean, declutter, enjoy a few decorations, look for stuff you already own.
Food - enjoy the planning, shopping & eating
Long term - research beds,etc look in January sales

Keep a sensible paper trail to justify mostly to yourself the decisions you & your mum make.

Enjoy you trip to the cinema (look for the cheap deal, sneak your own sweets in, etc)
Yes to the haircut (ask for the junior, be clear what you need, enjoy)
Use the supermarket price comparison website to find cheap deals and stock up.

Be frugal but take the trouble to enjoy every penny. A decent night's sleep and some basic warm, good quality clothes, in the right size are very good for morale when you spend 95% of the time being super careful. (Uniqlo is my go-to, the body warmers are excellent, I've just bought a brand new one, great colour, right size for £20 in the clearance, watch the website)

Best wishes

You have not "behaved horribly". Like most of us, you are just trying to have a nice Christmas with your mum and sister, enjoy a few treats. Also your mum has asked you to help her with these treats, you are only respecting her very reasonable wishes.

I do agree with others, maybe see if you can get your mum a new bed and some clothes, if your family are not ok with this, then they are not very caring.

You sound like you have been an fanatsic support to your mum for such a long time. I work with young carers and you have done amazingly well to get through college and to university. If you haven't already, have you spoken to your uni to see if they have any support, financial and emotional. Most unis have a fund for students who are struggling financially or can offer some suggestions to help you manage everything. The majority of unis I have worked with all so have a counselling team or access to one. Your home life has been stressful for so many years, no wonder you have some mental health issues, anyone would.

Maybe this New Year, you also focus on your own health and wellbeing too. I imagine you are very used to putting everyone first and you need to remember you are important too.

I would say priority should be making sure your mum is safe - proper bed, warm clothes, money to pay for heating and food

^^This. I am speaking as someone who was 19 when her father died and was left to care for my elderly grandmother who developed severe Alzheimers. She had very, very little stashed away - this I saved for her, and it went on bills, unpaid bills, buying her some new warm winter clothes as her current ones had been threadbare, and then saving the money for her future bills. It was all needed, and I still ended up having to get a second job whilst at uni to pay some of her bills for her, and then after she had to go into a specialist home.

You should've said no to the sister's presents. I can see why her relatives would see it being spent on stuff for you guys, and be angry. I'd be angry too, if this had happened to my relative. My other grandmother is currently in care, and we had to stop her giving money away to my horrible aunt who just spanked it up the wall on crap when my poor nan needed her bloody bills paid and her bloody roof fixing.

Where are you in all this?
Being a carer from a young age is incredibly tough.
You've managed to secure a place at university and hopefully a future career which is amazing.

What help is your university currently giving you?
Do they know you've been struggling emotionally?
Do they know you're struggling to afford housing?

My institution provides free sanitary towels but that might just be in Scotland.
But universities do have financial support funds.

It strikes me you might be able to use your uni support service to meet some of your own needs and that might free more up of your mum's funds for her own things.

You absolutely do deserve enough money to live on though and you clearly have a habit of thinking of others first which is lovely but if you look after yourself first you will be better equipped to help others.

Maybe even some therapeutic work to talk through the aspects of childhood you missed out on might help you.

And definitely ignore family telling you off. You will get plenty of advice on here on how to help your mum. It won't be biased and it's easier to pick through and find what works for you.