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Original poster

I can't date this voice help

30 replies

flyingdragonzog · 14/12/2018 20:37

Spent a few days messaging and setting up a date

All seemed good - same interests, interesting conversation etc

But I cannot date the voice that called me. It's the voice of an ex. Obviously it's not but it's the same accent and not the most common accent

I know as nice as this guy might be I don't want to go on the date and knew instantly when I heard the voice

Stupidly I was polite and carried on the conversation and they've messaged about having a good feeling and they can tell I'm a nice person

But I'm an awful person aren't I? I cannot date that voice.

OP posts:
Original poster
flyingdragonzog · 14/12/2018 20:50

How do I politely say no thank you without being a bitch?

There's no way I can be honest here without being offensive

OP posts:
LittleLlamaontheduskyroad · 14/12/2018 20:51

But it isn't the same guy. I think you should give it a go for one date. You could end up having happy memories of the accent?

Original poster
flyingdragonzog · 14/12/2018 20:54

No I 100% know in my heart that I would never trust an accent like that

And it's awful because it's completely discriminating against a race. I feel really bad about that but I normally don't reply to men I think will be that accent. Because of where he said he grew up I wasn't expecting him to sound like that

OP posts:

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Echobelly · 14/12/2018 20:55

Might you feel differently when you see the face attached to the voice? Could a video call help? Then you'll absorb that it's not the ex, and even if it doesn't work out with this guy it might go some way to laying the ghost of the previous relationship to rest.

geonater · 14/12/2018 20:56

If you cant deal with it, just say something like hey had a great time, but I don't think we're a great match.

It's a first date there's nothing bitchy or wrong with declining further because you just don't gel because of any reason, including this.

Original poster
flyingdragonzog · 14/12/2018 21:01

I'm 100% that for me... I wouldn't get past it. Nor would my family because of the ex. It's a complete non starter

But I can't be honest because it is completely racist... and though he's probably a lovely person, he's not for me. I feel so dreadful but it's just not something I would be prepared to even try. Obviously for anything but dating - I wouldn't have an issue with the accent, it's just that dating you're allowed to discriminate aren't you? You don't have to date someone to prove you don't have a prejudice but romantically I will never get past it, and even if I thought I could which I don't - after the past there is no way my family would so it would be pointless and hurtful to put someone in that position

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 14/12/2018 21:03

Is not liking an accent racist?

Original poster
flyingdragonzog · 14/12/2018 21:04

It shouldn't be... but I do think that a past experience has made me decide 100% not ever going to date someone who shares that cultural heritage again. It was an awful experience and obviously this man is probably totally different but I just can't/don't want to

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 14/12/2018 21:05

So it's not his accent, it's his nationality?

Original poster
flyingdragonzog · 14/12/2018 21:06

Ugh anything else I would be disgusted with myself... but dating... I'm not forcing myself

How on earth do I not be a hideous person here?

OP posts:
Original poster
flyingdragonzog · 14/12/2018 21:07

I knew his nationality. But stupidly assumed not growing up there, he would sound different and act differently so it wouldn't play into it

His accent is still strong enough to put me off completely

OP posts:
AviatorShades · 14/12/2018 21:12

So you text/mail him and,dunno, tell him you met this amazing bloke tonight and, cos you're a one-at-a-time-type gal, you're going to give it a go with him?
And wish him luck in finding someone himselfSmile

UtterlyDesperate · 14/12/2018 21:13

Honestly, op, I think this is pretty bad: but if you can't look past this, I'd back out of the date now - that way you don't waste each other's time. And as it's clearly a national rather than a regional accent, avoid anyone in future with that heritage.

geonater · 14/12/2018 21:15

Just message a nice but vague message, it's incredibly early doors, nothing meaningful yet and part of online dating is going on one date and thinking nah this isn't for me just sorry but I don't think we're a great match will be fine.

Original poster
flyingdragonzog · 14/12/2018 21:25

We seemed a great match. Up until I heard his voice

It IS bad. I'm not denying it's bad. He sounds lovely but he isn't for me and obviously deserves someone who won't have this mistrust going on.

I don't think he will buy the not a great match and I don't want to admit to him that past experience has completely coloured my romantic feelings because obviously he's going to say that it's disgusting to tar everyone with that brush. And it IS. But it's dating... I would only be going on the date to try and prove to myself something and that's wasting his time.

OP posts:
Trills · 14/12/2018 21:28

You haven't even met.

You don't have to explain.

You can just say "sorry, I don't think it's going to work out, best of luck, bye forever"

UtterlyDesperate · 14/12/2018 21:28

Honestly, op, just cancel on him (and block him if necessary) : going on the date will make you feel uncomfortable and prolong things.

"On reflection, I don't think I'm in the right place for dating right now. Best of luck with your search"

HollowTalk · 14/12/2018 21:31

I would just say that his voice (not his accent, but his voice) reminded you of someone who was very bad to you. Surely he could understand that?

Mind you, I was chatting on the phone to someone who said the word "chuckle" - that was enough for me to stop talking to him!

BertieBotts · 14/12/2018 21:33

You don't owe him anything. It doesn't matter why you cancel a date, you're allowed to do that.

It's not racist, it's because he reminds you of your ex. It would be racist if you decided that because of his accent he must be exactly like your ex. I don't think you're saying that, you're saying that the memories his accent triggers are difficult for you, which is a different thing.

You don't have to give a reason to cancel a date, you just say actually I'm sorry but this isn't going to work for me, but have a lovely Christmas, I don't want to string you along. If he asks for info just say it's personal and I don't want to talk about it.

geonater · 14/12/2018 21:39

Oh I totally misread I thought you had been on a date, even more so then its fine to cancel and it's going to cause no heartache, bertiebotts response is good for a reply.

pusspuss9 · 14/12/2018 21:39

It would be racist if you decided that because of his accent he must be exactly like your ex.

Why would that be racist?

BertieBotts · 14/12/2018 21:52

Because OP has implied it's an accent relating to a country/culture. If she was making a judgement that everybody from that country/culture (ie with that accent) is exactly the same based on an example of one, that would be an unfair judgement to make based on race, aka racist.

I don't think she does genuinely think that (despite comments of not trusting the accent etc) - it sounds like she's had a traumatic experience with a bad relationship and is unable to separate her personal feelings about that from the accent itself, which is not the same thing as her actually believing everyone from that place is bad.

It would be like if I had an ex with a particular piercing and I decided not to date anybody with that piercing because it would make me think of my ex. I don't ACTUALLY think that people with that piercing are bad.

Original poster
flyingdragonzog · 14/12/2018 21:59

Yes BertieBotts has it completely with the last 2 paragraphs. And tbh I feel racist and hideous for it. But obviously I know that not everyone is alike and would challenge this prejudice in any other area of life but dating.

And I feel like I owe him something which I don't because I feel awful.

OP posts:
Trills · 14/12/2018 22:01

If you are prone to feeling like you owe people something then you need to be very careful when dating.

You do not owe them anything.
Not after one date, not after two, and certainly not after no dates at all.

People will take advantage of that feeling if they can.

MistressDeeCee · 14/12/2018 22:07

Well if you're not into someone of a particular race and culture why even bother?

You don't really know this man yet you're really labouring the race and culture thing - almost as if you want to be called out in it.

You've not even met him, so what does it matter really? Just say you've changed your mind.

Get on with looking to meet someone else.

Someone who hopefully won't be silly enough to drag their ex metaphorically speaking into their next relationship, when the ex has likely moved on with his life ages ago.

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