Appropriate Gift for Host

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Hey I need some advice. I'm visiting a friend for his birthday at his family home (he lives with his parents and siblings still) and I have no idea of the etiquette for giving a gift to the hosts.

I'm a decent baker so I'm thinking I'll take him some homemade cookies and fudge that he likes. I'll take him a christmas card made out to him and family because I'll be there literally a couple of days before christmas. I know the typical thing is to take wine but I have no idea what decent wine is and nor can I afford what they would consider decent wine to be. So maybe some fancy chocolates from somewhere, I can't take flowers because I'm allergic and would break out while traveling. I also don't want to go overboard as there's a few of us going and I have no idea what/if they're taking anything so I really just need a nice token gift really.

He and I have a complex relationship (we're somewhere between friends and dating) and this will be the first time I've met his parents and siblings so I need to at least not make a terrible impression and I'm already at a disadvantage because his family are very, very upper middle class, while I've never lived above the poverty line. So what he and I consider normal or typical is very different. And I'm a little worried about the visit anyway.

I wouldn't take wine if you have no idea about it. Maybe get a nice tin of biscuits from Marks or something? The shops are awash with nice things like that.

Homemade gin always is appreciated. Tesco has a recipe for cranberry and Jamie Oliver has a recipe for Christmas spiced pomegranate. I like this one www.olivemagazine.com/recipes/entertain/clementine-ginger-and-bay-gin/
Caramelised onion chutney, piccalilli (homemade if possible), a really fancy cheese or two and Bath Oliver biscuits would also be a good option.

Don’t take alcohol unless you know for certain that they drink it.

Homemade cookies will be fine. Make a couple of dozen and buy a nice cheap tin to put them in. Tie a ribbon round. Lovely gift.

Yeah, I'd thought of that. I've been browsing Hotel Chocolat and seeing if there is anything there that world work as a token thank you for having me or as a token family gift for them since they they're hosting just before Christmas. But this is a situation I've never been in before. But I also think that it's the polite thing to do to give a thank you for hosting gift and since I'm giving him a christmas present, I feel a card and token family gift may be nice as well. I'm also sending other friends christmas gifts and another friend's parents are also getting some nice chocolates as well because I've stayed at thiers several times.

And I think I'm also feeling rather out of my depth with the entire situation as I have no idea what to expect or how to behave. Like I know he likes me regardless but I've never met his family before and I have no idea what they'll be like. He thinks I'll either have his dad wrapped around my little finger or clash with him, because we're both autistic and rather set on who we are. He thinks his mum will like me because I look after him while not taking any of his crap and calling him out when his ego starts to expand. Not about his siblings though, his older sister is autistic too and most likely to hide and his younger brother is likely to play for us. He plays lots of different types of music and musical instruments semi-professionally apparently.

Some nice biscuits or chocolates in a gift box or tin would be totally appropriate as a thank you gift.
If you're not sure about how to behave or what is expected during your stay then ask your friend. Try not to worry too much about what impression you are making; you sound polite, respectful and generous - these qualities are way more important than your economic background.

@Ricekrispie22 I'm not sure how to go about making the gin but I don't think that fancy cheeses and the like would work. I know his family like sweets but he's not mentioned anything else really.

@BikeRunSki , I know they drink, but I also know that I can't afford to buy what they drink. It's far beyond a student budget.

@GeorgeTheHippo, the homemade cookies are a running gag we have and I know he likes them.

@Deeedeeee, I did when he invited me and he said to be myself which is about as helpful as he ever is I'm just gonna take that as right and hope for the best. I think if there is anything that I may do that will annoy them it'll be my liberal use of slang and poor grammar, which is the way I speak when I want to annoy him because he is incredibly pedantic and I'm a good friend

I'm thinking triple chocolate fudge cookies for him for his birthday and fancy chocolate for his parents as a thank you for hosting and possibly a small gift box or hamper for a token Christmas present for him to share with his family as I've got him a pair of pj's and socks referencing a different inside joke and a metal earth puzzle.

Maybe buy or make some fancy cupcakes with christmas toppers (or use icing to spell out happy xmas) and present them in a fancy cake box with a ribbon wrapped round them.

M&S have a star-shaped box of chocolates for a tenner. It's really cute, christmassy, middle class and not too expensive. I'd get them.

Maybe try and relax a bit? You sound very nervous. If they're good hosts they'll put you at your ease and and if they're nice people they'll like you for who you are. And if they're not those things, stuff 'em.

Home made fudge would make my day!

Is there anything specific to where you are from you could bring? I remember my brother was dating a girl from Liverpool before and she brought liverpool gin - the gin did last longer than she did though! Most others have just brought wine or chocolates and flowers for my mum! I get the allergy thing though as I have it too

@Drunkandstupidagain, only the local Ale which is known for being particularly strong and rather grim if your not used to it. I'm fairly certain my family intend to give it to him when he visits. Which he is apparently doing at some point, nice for him to let me know because I think he's angling for a NYE invite

@Reallybadidea, I am incredibly nervous. It's the first time I've ever had to meet the parents so to speak and we're from very different economic backgrounds and have no idea what they consider to be 'normal' or 'appropriate' behaviour as in my family we're loud and tactile, not so much huggy but pushing/shoving and yelling across the house and table ect.

@Madeline88, I need to make a couple of batches for my family so I'll take some of flavours that turn out best with me along with some homemade cookies for him, because I know he likes them.

we're from very different economic backgrounds

I think that's neither here nor there. Presumably you don't behave like that with anybody you've only just met? Just be polite in the same way that you would be with anyone else. I honestly think you're overthinking it!

@Reallybadidea, that's very true. I can actually behave rather well usually reserve that sort of behaviour for the insanity that is my family, and him. I think that is what's worrying me tbh. We're either play fighting or hugging and that might raise a few eyebrows from his parents and our other friends as neither he nor I are known as being particularly tactile usually. I think I'm just gonna follow his lead. Take a Christmas card with a note thanking them for hosting me and some homemade goodies as a gift, be myself and hope for the best. Other than that there's not a lot I can do tbh.

You sound like a lovely friend to him - I'm sure it will go fine. Have faith in yourself and have a great time!

The card with the thank you note will be perfect, OP, and the homemade goodies as well? Perfect!
(written by a mum of a son who brought home a whole parade of girls home to meet me. Poor girls!)

Tiger have beautiful Christmas tins for a pound. I’d make fudge/tablet and wrap it in greasepropf paper, tie with string and pop in nice gin.

*tin

Give something they couldn't buy themselves - homemade cookies and fudge are a lovely idea

@Reallybadidea , thanks, I'm positive it will go a lot better than I'm imagining. I've a tendency to catastrophize when left alone with my thoughts. I did this the week leading up to the 8th when I went to visit him with a mutual friend who was going to visit someone else. By the time we arrived I'd managed to convince myself that he really hates me and that he'd be a totally different person from when I saw him last, when he's never given any indication of that at all and we message each other at least three times a month. The only thing that had changed was that he'd decided that I musn't mind him hugging me which means he's free to grab me into bear hugs when he feels like it. Much to our friends amusement, and tbh I really don't mind he's an excellent hugger .

@AviatorShades, from what I can gather he's only ever brought home the girlfriend he had in 6th form. Which could be interesting especially as I'll be meeting his family for the first time as well as his home and school friends for the first time and some mutual uni friends are coming as well. I think his logic is that there's less social pressure for me meeting everyone at once which means I won't be the focus of his parents attention and there will be people there that I know already if I get overwhelmed. Luckily for me both his DF and DSis are autistic so he's aware that I have social limitations and that this will be a lot. He did announce earlier this week that he'd like to meet the rest of my family, see my hometown and that he wants my family to like him. I think he's hoping for a NYE invite (which he can have if he wants it just need to find a moment to ask him, don't really want to ask via text) or if not then he wants me to work out when I'm home and he's going to use some of his annual leave to come visit as he's living on the opposite end of the country at the moment. He's already met my mum which is the key thing but he wants to meet my siblings and their partners (he is terrified about meeting their children though which amuses me) and my grandpa and aunties and uncles as well, which seems like a massive step so to speak. Like right now we're in an odd place between friendship and dating, and from past conversations I know that this will move it firmly into dating territory and that's the context we'd meet families under and that is rather terrifying to think about it.

@Ginandsonicscrewdriver, oh I'll look into that. Usually I just bake for family and friends so don't really care about presenting it nicely. This time I think I'll have to consider it

@misscockerspaniel, yup with the cookies and fudge I figure even if his parents don't eat it he will

As you are a decent baker, your homemade cookies and fudge are a fantastic gift, and more than enough. You don’t need to add more.

As for the rest, just relax, be yourself and have a nice time.

Go with your original plan and take some baked treats

Yes. Can’t for the life of me think why M& S biscuits would be better than homemade fudge!

Simple cellophane bag, (baking section , big supermarkets) simple ribbon, fine.