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Original poster

9yo self harm

44 replies

TikTokLipLop · 12/12/2018 12:56

Sorry didn’t know where to put this.

Long story short (ish) we found a suicide note & evidence of self harm from 9yo DD. Note was written 2 months before we came across it (on laptop) and she completely denies writing it. She admitted cutting herself once. She’s always been very anxious with periods of OCD traits, although not diagnosed.

Spoke to CAMHS who didn’t think she needed a referral and suggested workbooks to do at home to control her anxiety. I’ve asked for a referral anyway but know there’s quite a waiting list to get seen. School are aware.

DD says no bullying but there was a girl giving her hassle a couple a months ago. However whenever there’s a small fallout within her friendship group in her mind it seems to spiral into everyone hates her, x won’t want to speak to her anymore etc. Teachers say everything seems fine at school.

This was 2 weeks ago and last night we discovered photos on her phone (internet free) of marks on her arm, skin not broken but definite long marks & I’ve just discovered scissors hidden beside her mattress.

How do I bring this up with her without her shutting down or getting defensive? Do I do it as soon as home from school? Wait for dh to get home and talk to her together? Or will that be too full on? My head is spinning and feel sick. She’s so young & I feel like I’ve completely failed her.

OP posts:
Original poster
TikTokLipLop · 12/12/2018 13:39

Anyone?

OP posts:
user1499173618 · 12/12/2018 13:41

What is the root cause of her anxiety?

Bluetrews25 · 12/12/2018 13:42

You have not failed her, you are taking positive action. Good that you have her on the therapy waiting list.
Can I recommend the book 'Mind Over Mood' by Greenberger and Padesky? It's a really good cognitive behavioural therapy workbook I came across many years ago when learning about CBT. It's quite simple, and there are easy paper exercises that can be really valuable to work through so that she can learn to question her core beliefs (they don't like me) etc and query if certain of her thoughts are valid or should be so important to her.
There are also alternatives she can do safely if she 'feels things are all just too much' - grip an ice cube in her hand, or suck an ice cube (brain freeze, ouch!) or snap elastic bands on her wrist.....all of these can give some relief but not do physical damage.
Above all, allow her to talk, but equally I would allow her privacy to write down her emotions in the knowledge that you will NOT snoop. She may write and let a lot of pain out, but not act on what she has written.

Bluetrews25 · 12/12/2018 13:45

The workbooks are great, but you actually physically have to do them! And repeat and repeat. Not doing it cannot help, so although it can be tedious, keep plugging away.
Very worrying for you, absolutely get that.

Original poster
TikTokLipLop · 12/12/2018 13:48

She doesn’t talk about what the cause is, usually says everything is fine. Then she has an emotion explosion.
She gets extremely stressed about little things such as having to hand a form back to teacher, or party invites out. She says it’s because she’s worried she’ll forget, then as each day goes by where she doesn’t hand it in it becomes bigger and bigger until she is not wanting to go to school because of it. Or she’ll think she has scored zero on a math test when she’s very good at math.

OP posts:
Original poster
TikTokLipLop · 12/12/2018 13:50

I’ll absolutely check out that book thank you. She wore a hair band on her wrist this morning and I wondered about her pinging it to release frustration or whatever, but didn’t know if I should encourage that?

A locked diary is a fab idea that I’ll promise no one else will open.

OP posts:
user1499173618 · 12/12/2018 14:13

Is there anything going on in your family life to make her feel insecure or uncertain?

KateGrey · 12/12/2018 14:19

Sounds like severe anxiety. Any indicators of Sen such as adhd or asd? I self harmed from age 12. I couldn’t talk to my mum and the harm escalated. I finally stopped at age 24 but I developed an eating disorder and had a lot of thoughts about killing myself. But I didn’t have a supportive mum who I could open up to. My anxiety was embarrassing and how I felt was rubbished (I found making phone calls very hard). I’ve recently in my 30s been diagnosed with add. Which makes a lot of sense. If you can get her talking, or writing you notes/emails if she can’t find the words. Emotions are big and often I couldn’t break apart what was causing all the mess in my head. I’m sorry you’re going through and I hope things improve with your dd.

Original poster
TikTokLipLop · 12/12/2018 14:19

I’m still with her dad so no changes there, new sibling 18 months ago, which is obviously a big adjustment but she seems to enjoy them now more than ever.

She doesn’t live near her school friends but hasn’t done for nearly 4 years, gets them over here regularly though. We’re only 2 miles away from the school but she obviously can’t meet up with them after school herself.

Is developing and going through puberty which I think will have escalated it, no periods yet but I don’t think she’ll handle it well when they do start. CAMHS has asked a nurse specialising in early puberty to get in touch with us.

OP posts:
user1499173618 · 12/12/2018 14:22

How much time do you spend one on one with her? How much time does your husband spend one on one with her?

Original poster
TikTokLipLop · 12/12/2018 14:22

Not Diagnosed with asd etc but I know it can be different in girls. She does have sensory issues. Socks and pants are a huge issue, I need to order some seemless socks as she hates wearing them. Labels have to be cut off or pj’s worn inside out etc as they annoy her. Almost cries at the thought of having to have her hair tied back for PE as she can’t stand the feeling.

OP posts:
user1499173618 · 12/12/2018 14:23

So she’s highly sensitive?

user1499173618 · 12/12/2018 14:24

Have you thought of having a psychologist assessment done privately?

Original poster
TikTokLipLop · 12/12/2018 14:25

She usually refuses one on one time which doesn’t help. She can have my undivided attention from 6pm onwards on weekdays when toddler in bed but she’d rather be by herself.

We are trying to encourage her more though.

OP posts:
Original poster
TikTokLipLop · 12/12/2018 14:27

Very sensitive. No not thought about private yet as into just getting started with NHS and it’s all escalated very quickly.

I’m going to phone CAMHS tomorrow for advice on latest cutting, hopefully she’ll open up to me about it. I suggested a red/green card system for when she was feeling down or happy but didn’t want to use words. She told me no point as she would never use them.

OP posts:
BadlyAgedMemes · 12/12/2018 14:28

I'd second maybe having her see someone privately, if that's an option. You don't need to be mentally ill to benefit from some help, and she's so young, it would be better to get help now rather than wait for any issues to escalate.

user1499173618 · 12/12/2018 14:28

That’s not good. She doesn’t find you reassuring or comforting. She must be incredibly lonely.

user1499173618 · 12/12/2018 14:29

Does she get into bed with you? Sit on your knee?

Original poster
TikTokLipLop · 12/12/2018 14:35

Really user? 🙄

When would she get into bed with me? She sleeps through the night. And she’s 5ft tall my knee wouldn’t be comfortable.

She obviously has issues, which I’m trying to help her with.

OP posts:
user1499173618 · 12/12/2018 14:37

My DD is 14 and still gets into bed with us. If she’s upset or otherwise got something on her mind she finds physical affection (sitting on my knee, having a hug) very comforting. We spend a lot of time together and she finds both her parents very reassuring in multiple ways. That’s how it should be.

Original poster
TikTokLipLop · 12/12/2018 14:41

That’s not how I was with my parents at 14, I find them very comforting. She’ll come into bed with us for a very very rare nightmare. Don’t know why though as she finds us so cold & awful 🙄

OP posts:
user1499173618 · 12/12/2018 14:42

Ask yourself why you are being defensive at any suggestion that your relationship with your DD might be causing her anxiety.

KateGrey · 12/12/2018 14:42

If you can I’d consider a private assessment. Two of my children have asd and adhd and both have sensory issues very similar to your dd. Girls with asd and adhd present very differently and the dsm criteria was developed around boys. Have you noted down any other issues?

Original poster
TikTokLipLop · 12/12/2018 14:58

Yes I’ve written it down and passed it to CAMHS, although bits might have been missed Over the phone so need face to face.

Could I be defensive because I have a potentially depressed 9yo and haven’t slept well last couple of weeks because she’s cut herself? Because I asked for advice for how to broach the cutting and instead get told she’s like this because I don’t show her love? Of course I’m going to be defensive. As I said in OP I’m worried I’VE failed her.

I’d rather listen to a professional tell me where I’ve failed though who has all the details.

OP posts:
furrysheep · 12/12/2018 15:10

@TikTokLipLop you haven't failed, you haven't done anything wrong. All that is clear from your posts is the love for your child, you want to help her. Think about it this way, if your child had a physical illness you wouldn't think you had done anything wrong to cause that. Mental illness should be thought about in the same way.
I had mental illness and no one caused it, it just happened.
I was advised by my psychiatrist to do the elastic band thing, it did help a bit. I have no idea whether this would be advisable for a child though and so I can't comment on that. I think a trip to the GP would be a good idea and a referral to be properly assessed. You will then have 'proper' advice and know you are doing everything you can.
Don't forget to take care of your own mental health too during this time. It is a very stressful time for you as well and looking after a child with mental health problems can be draining. You may benefit from some counselling OP.

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