9yo self harm

[TikTokLipLop]

Sorry didn’t know where to put this.

Long story short (ish) we found a suicide note & evidence of self harm from 9yo DD. Note was written 2 months before we came across it (on laptop) and she completely denies writing it. She admitted cutting herself once. She’s always been very anxious with periods of OCD traits, although not diagnosed.

Spoke to CAMHS who didn’t think she needed a referral and suggested workbooks to do at home to control her anxiety. I’ve asked for a referral anyway but know there’s quite a waiting list to get seen. School are aware.

DD says no bullying but there was a girl giving her hassle a couple a months ago. However whenever there’s a small fallout within her friendship group in her mind it seems to spiral into everyone hates her, x won’t want to speak to her anymore etc. Teachers say everything seems fine at school.

This was 2 weeks ago and last night we discovered photos on her phone (internet free) of marks on her arm, skin not broken but definite long marks & I’ve just discovered scissors hidden beside her mattress.

How do I bring this up with her without her shutting down or getting defensive? Do I do it as soon as home from school? Wait for dh to get home and talk to her together? Or will that be too full on? My head is spinning and feel sick. She’s so young & I feel like I’ve completely failed her.

Broaching the cutting isn’t really going to help, though. It won’t do anything to make your DD feel safe and secure.

FWIW, you don’t sound at all defensive to me, just desperately worried, as any parent would be. I would seek further professional advice about the best way to approach your DD’s anxiety and self-harm.

My instinct would be not to mention the scissors and photos directly at this point, but to have a very calm conversation about ways to cope with emotions, perhaps couched in terms of strategies you have developed for yourself, e.g., “You know, DD, when I feel anxious I do XYZ (whatever works for you).” But I am not a mental health professional, so perhaps that isn’t the right thing to do.

for you. I can only imagine how worrying and difficult this situation must be.

if your child had a physical illness you wouldn't think you had done anything wrong to cause that. Mental illness should be thought about in the same way.

The ability to acknowledge and name emotional states and to identify their causes, followed by the acquisition of appropriate management strategies, is largely acquired (or not) within the family. Anxiety is not a mental illness but it usually arises in children because their families are not high in EQ.

Ok user we’ve established you think it’s my fault. Noted. It has got me thinking though so thank you I’ve got the message. Will see if professionals can undo the damage caused.

In the meantime I need to know how to handle this. I’ve just looked at NSPCC site which it never occurred to me to do before and some good advice on there & I might ring them tomorrow rather than CAMHS.

The workbooks came through from CAHMS so I’ll start them tonight will her too.

user1499173618 what's your agenda?

Whilst there's nothing wrong with sitting on your mum's knee or getting into bed with your parents at 14, it isn't "how it should be" If your 14 year old was a 6ft tall 12 stone boy would you still try to insist that if he didn't sit on your knee and get in your bed things would not be as they should be?

I’m talking about girls, their mothers and physical reassurance. Boys and girls have very different needs from one another in adolescence concerning their parents.

Aside from needing some biologically specific advice, they don't though do they user1499173618 ? Boy teens and girl teens need hugs and affection and love as well as space and respect and freedom within boundaries and a lot of guidance. Neither sex has a special, specific need to get into bed with their parents at 14, or sit on their mother's knee rather than next to her at age 14.

User, I had severe anxiety as a child and teenager. I went into my parents bed every night (due to anxiety) until I was about 10. I cuddled both my parents a lot. I still had anxiety and depression.
Funnily enough there is a shit load of mental illness in my wider family, so I imagine that has more to do with it than my parents!

@tiktokliplop I’m sorry you and your family are going through this. Even if you feel like you’re not getting anywhere with your daughter, it will mean the world to her to have you care,she will know you’re on her side no matter what. It’s so awful that there are bloody waiting lists when you have a child feeling like this. If at all possible I would try to go private to at least get her seen, but I know that may not be do able.

I found everything incredibly hard as a child- handing in slips may actually be because she is scared to get up and go to the teacher, that is what it would have been for me. Everything terrified me. She may be trying to cover the real reasons as she doesn’t understand them herself.

Sorry I’m not much help but I just wanted to say that it’s not your fault, you sound like a fab mum and she is lucky to have you.

Nope. There is very extensive literature in this subject which I suggest you read!

It is so very unhelpful - however kindly it is meant - to suggest that parents have no role in changing their own behaviour to help their children with anxiety issues.

user1499173618 there may be a lot of books written by conservative christians in America on the subject, but I'm pretty sure there is not a lot of current, rigorous, tested, peer reviewed evidence for your personal theory that 14 year old girls need to get into bed with their parents and sit on their mother's knee on a regular basis and 14 year old boys do not.

You know absolutely nothing about this. Why be so determined to display your ignorance?

Socialising adolescent girls to believe that they are more emotional than boys, to define themselves in terms of relationships not as individuals, to seek external reassurance and validation is damaging to girls just as toxic masculinity and socialising boys not to be emotional, not to seek cuddles and connection, not to show emotions is to boys.

Both sexes need parental affection, neither need to be in bed with their parents at 14.

Parents and socialisation have a role to play of course, but the posts you've addressed to TikTokLipLop are strange and unhelpful and make you look like someone with a very specific agenda of some kind user1499173618

Girls are prone to different manifestations of anxiety and mental health problems, but that's because they are socialised differently by their families - reinforcing and doubling down on that isn't the solution!

I agree with you completely, blueskies.

Pretending girls and boys do not have different needs in adolescence fuels gender dysphoria.

TikTokLipLop how did it go with the workbooks? Did your DD engage?

Sorry I engaged with user and derailed the thread somewhat best ignore his/her agenda I'm sure!

Thanks for asking, they recommend just doing a chapter at a time so as not to overwhelm her. We went through the first chapter about how worries are like a seed you plant and tend to then end up with too much of it to know what to do with (like lots of tomatoes from a plant apparently!). She happily sat and listened to it with me and did a little task but was glad when I said that was it for the night.

TikTokLipLop That sounds like a good start! A little each night is a little bit of 1:1 time as well as a bit of work on the issues the book covers, so it's a duel effect.

You haven’t failed her and you need to snap out of that mindset as it won’t be helpful to either of you (I’m not trying to be cruel, unfortunately I am the voice of bitter experience).

Holding ice cubes in the hand is a good way of relieving the feelings that lead to self-harm. So is a punch bag. Drawing on yourself with a non-toxic pen can also help some people so may be worth trying. Apparently, you can also ground yourself by looking at three things in turn three times but I haven’t tried that yet.

I am sorry that things are this way, I know how tough it is. Feel free to PM me if it may help.