I can't do my job and be a parent - what can I do?

[howshitcanitget]

I just feel my life is completely spiralling out of control and I just don't know what to do. I'm a lp to9 & 11 yr olds whose dad has them once a week on average and pays nothing at all.

I'm a f/t Hod in a sec school and it just seems the job gets harder every year and it's my dc who suffer. Ds1 spends about 2 hours a day here alone on bloody Fifa while ds2 moans each and every day about going to before and after school care that he hates.

Both are on screen far too much, have to get up earlier than everyone else and it just seems to me their childhoods are utterly shit. I shout too much and am visibly stressed. Tonight I have cried and shouted at them.

Wft do I do? I can't afford to give up work or step down as I have debts and a big mortgage as I had to pay ex out. He is shit and he does nothing with them when he has them either.

The pair of us are useless in different ways and they deserve better. I cut all corners possible, I pick my battles but it's not good enough.

I had an au pair in order to avoid the before and after school clubs. Could that be an option if finances and a spare bedroom allow?
Two of the au pairs ( blokes) would happily play games, football etc after school until I got home from work.

The very first thing I would say is stop being so hard on yourself.
9 year old may moan about breakfast and asc. Pretty much par for the course at that age. He is not going to boot camp though. All of my 3 did childcare 8-5.30. The older 2 are adults now. It's not harmed them. I went thru phase though of having it. Comparing it to some utopian Enid blyton world.
If ds1 Is coming home and spending a couple of hrs gaming til you get home but does his homework, is it really harmful?

First thing is stop calling yourself shit, although I know it's easy to say from the outside! I often feel exactly the same as you OP. Its not east but you're doing your best and I'm sure their childhood isn't bad at all. Next, get some bloody maintenance off your ex!

Nothing to add except you have my sympathy

Very hard to step back from work pressures and there is an expectation that you can take work home and just stick kids in front of the tv.

I could have written your post. I'm f/t second in dept and I'm going insane. I am applying for another job at another school to give it one last try but if I can't take it there that's it I'm going to work for Sainsbury's delivering peoples shopping! Or something like that... I feel your pain x

There are a lot of transferable skills as hod. Could you apply for a people management type post somewhere? You can work with the most challenging varied people as a teacher, you have experience of managing a team, working to a deadline, analysing data and tracking progress. These are all good skills. The payoff would be of course sacrificing summer with your children but could you share that out with your ex?

Why is the father not paying any child maintenance? Suggest you start claiming for this ASAP.

Please don't blame yourself OP, you are a good mum and doing the right things .

You are clearly stressed and this is colouring your judgement.

You know the answer, you need to hold it together. I suppose you consider yourself a professional woman, you want your career and you want do the best for your DC. You know that you are capable enough to do both well. You are in this situation because you are confident and very capable woman, and there is nothing better for your DC than that.

Don't pander to the yummy mummy lobby, it's a myth, those women would give everything to have a meaningful career and financial independence. Yummy mummy also depends on good middle class income of their partners. Poverty will not make it better for your DC. stay true to your values. Any job with good income will be demanding. It is absurd to be scavenging for low paid part time jobs in the gig economy. Poverty and depression will not solve any of your current problems and will add some more. Changing jobs in the middle of stress crisis is not a good idea. You need to stabilise first.

You need to regain balance and reduce stress, by not being hard on yourself. Decide which non essential balls you are OK to drop -

Have some me time, pampering, entertainment, relaxation.

Your boys are already quite independent, soon they will be grown up. You don't need to treat them like toddlers. It is a different phase. Define what it means for you. Try to establish good work ethic and routines with them. Instead of screen time, instill a routine of useful positive activities which they pursue independently. Work on family culture and ethic in which they are self-regulating and responsible, ambitious, support you, including emotionally and with chores. Put some hard carrots and sticks, limit their devices and demand compliance with your routine. Can't they attend their clubs and friends by themselves?
Agree with them how to maximise the utility of your time together, play hard, whatever you want to do with them, make it count double.

Recruit all the support you can have, au pairs is a good idea. Do you have your parents? This is the time when you need support. I don't know what you could do about your ex paying more and doing more with them, maybe define specific things which he would be motivated to do?

Trust yourself

I read this of working mothers the other day

“We are expected to work as if we don’t have children and parent as if we don’t have jobs”.

I get you op. I don’t have any answers. X

Can you go through CMS to get maintenance? I got none so I feel your pain. My ex is freelance and I think he hides his earnings 🤬

Would an au pa work better?

I would look for another job. Could you look to a private school job with better pay and also ask about job shares so You could work 3 or 4 days a week?

I could have written your post today too. Hang on in there, in two weeks it will have been worth it to get the time with them.

Thanks starwars80, glad I'm not the only one feeling the pressure/guilt.

Would moving house make finances any easier? I know you may not want to, but it might be worth considering if it would help ease things. Hope it gets easier soon, this last slog until Christmas is always a tough time in schools!

Being a teacher at the moment is awful, being Hod even worse. Can you start saying 'no'? The job isn't possible so you need to manage the essentials and leave the rest. There will be a time when teaching is a good job again, hopefully in the not too distant future. But that change will need some teachers to stand up and say no to SLT. Get your Union involved if necessary.

Can you go through csa for maintenance? Don't speak to your ex about it, just hand it over to the official channels & let them deal with him. If he wants to see his children then he should pay for the privilege & not have you pick up all of the bills.

Your job is convenient in the sense that it's term time only. It'll be a shame to give it up but something has got to give. Definitely consider an au pair and child maintenance, those two things will make your life easier.

Try to establish good work ethic and routines with them. Instead of screen time, instill a routine of useful positive activities which they pursue independently. Work on family culture and ethic in which they are self-regulating and responsible, ambitious, support you, including emotionally and with chores.. .

^^ pumpkin they are 9 & 7 - good luck with that OP

is there any way you could reduce yiur hours? my friend is a deputy head on 4 days a week contract? Do you have any locsl family or friends who can help at all? You need to give yourself a break you are working so hard and any person woukd struggle balancing all of that! Sorry tgat your xh is so unsupportive too you are shouldering so much! What is it you eant ti change first? would changing jobs help? local councils might be an option, tge kind of job that offers flexitime. Hope things feel much brighter soon.

Don't be so hard on yourself. I am also teacher and understand the guilt.
However, we get holidays off and whilst I used to be what is referred to as a 'yummy mummy' above, and had a wonderful 7 years at home raising my kids, I actually am grateful to have a well paid job, now they are in school. After school club will no doubt be better for your ds than being at home whilst you struggle to grade. Fifa for two hours-fine as long as homework gets done. We all like some screen times to relax and kids are no different. You could find yourself working just as hard for a lot less money. If you can afford to step down and teach that may take some pressure off you. It is a grind. Middle age with kids is but it is just one stage of our lives.You are doing a good job- you just need to keep going.

Thanks for all the comments. I feel like I can pretty much hold it together at work and then the kids get the brunt of it, which isn't fair.

I've been through cMs but ex barely works so they can't get anything out of him. He is hard up, but he doesn't prioritise getting a half decent job because he just assumes I'll take care of that and he can do what ever he likes (attempting to be a musician.)

This week is harder because my parents came up at the weekend and all, while they did buy a takeaway, they create more work than saving any. Bed changing, taking rubbish out, filling the dishwasher al had to be done by me when I got home yesterday as they just left it all and went in the morning.

I'll struggle through the next 9 days and hopefully recharge in the holidays. I don't think I could get similar money doing anything else and money troubles (worse than I have) definitely wouldn't help. I have even considered calling in sick one day this week just to feel a bit better, and I have never, ever done that...

You need to get your boys on board with chores and ask guests to do stuff too, no need to do it all yourself.
Hang in there!

Tell you what OP, it'll have to be a no to parental visits during term time if the can't be arsed to clean up after themselves knowing you've just started your working week.

Just be careful what you wish for. I tried to leave and ended up in low paid NHS dogsbody work with all the promise of being able to take AL as needed but not enough to cover half the holidays. I'm back now. I think HOD is bordering on impossible. Tongue in cheek: what about going for promotion so that then at least you're not trying to balance the demands with a full teaching timetable?! Not saying that AHTs don't work hard but I think HOD is more work.

Definitely call in sick! I know that it's a dreadful feeling/thing and that it creates additional work for cover, but it's the times when you really feel as if you are stretched to the limit that you have to take care of yourself. Burn out is so common in teaching and it will do no one any favours if you push yourself until you really are sick and need weeks off. Just make sure that the cover work you set doesn't generate additional marking for you.

Decide dispassionately whether one day is enough or if you need two. Decide whether you need to use the time to get jobs done or if you need to sleep/watch telly and rest.

It is likely that your line manager would by sympathetic if you were to explain at work how you're feeling, but the nature of the job means that they are unlikely to be able to help much. The demands of the role don't change and the pressures remain. This means that you have to make choices that protect your mental health, energy levels and capacity for both the job and life. You know what recruitment is like out there - they cannot afford to lose you.

You need to ask others to help out, you can't do it alone! My parents come over 1 day a week to help. I am not a lp but I am a working parent, we take it in turns to cook, but invariably either my parents will often wash pots/ load dishwasher after a meal and make me a drink. But I have to ask them as I will be busy sorting out homework / getting dc ready for an activity! It's great your parents came to stay.... But not if they treated their stay like a holiday in a hotel! Take a day off to recover and work out what it changeable to make your life better x

Boys are old enough for chores definitely! Link it to pocket money if need be. My daughter is in charge of the dishwasher, and she now changes bedding and does her laundry ( put it away not actually washes it!) .
I have 4 and 12 year old.... 12 year old has a key and get home from school at around 5pm,she gets in does dishwasher and chills. 4 year old in in wrap round so we get in around 5.30.... ( he goes in the morning as well) it just has to be that way I need to ( & want to!) work.

I would absolutely ask parents next time they are staying to chip in with housework... very lazy for them not to have even cleared away dishes.

Is there no decent after school clubs, football, coding etc the kids can go to occasionally? Homework club???