I can't do my job and be a parent - what can I do?

[howshitcanitget]

I just feel my life is completely spiralling out of control and I just don't know what to do. I'm a lp to9 & 11 yr olds whose dad has them once a week on average and pays nothing at all.

I'm a f/t Hod in a sec school and it just seems the job gets harder every year and it's my dc who suffer. Ds1 spends about 2 hours a day here alone on bloody Fifa while ds2 moans each and every day about going to before and after school care that he hates.

Both are on screen far too much, have to get up earlier than everyone else and it just seems to me their childhoods are utterly shit. I shout too much and am visibly stressed. Tonight I have cried and shouted at them.

Wft do I do? I can't afford to give up work or step down as I have debts and a big mortgage as I had to pay ex out. He is shit and he does nothing with them when he has them either.

The pair of us are useless in different ways and they deserve better. I cut all corners possible, I pick my battles but it's not good enough.

Have you considered another school ? I transferred state to private and it is the best decision I have made. Same pressures but in much more manageable quantities! But much less data- obsessive.

Is your SLT supportive? Do you need to work such long hours in school or can you work remotely?

Can you set yourself up for the terms during the holidays e.g. cooking for freezer/stocking up on quick healthy dishes?

I have been a LP my kids entire lives ,they don't really see their Dad. They are now 15 and 16 ,I'm a primary DHT.
Its a balancing act,firstly don't get into all they are missing,talk about all that's good in their lives and that you are a team.
Get childcare sorted aupair sounds good. The kids can also do jobs around the house. Have tight routines its boring but it works and in the holidays you can relax them.
Also work wise try not to get caught in the everything is an emergency that seems to be happening in teaching,we are teachers not paramedics,data input is not life and death!
Finally would a different school be better ,I have recently changed schools( both DHT) its like a different job in current school,so much calmer ,behaviour better. So perhaps consider this

Similar to my situation in some ways (overstretched, over committed) I have had to ask others for more help (family, services etc.) because I'm not coping with everything alone.
Please find ways to outsource what you can and don't be so hard on yourself. You are doing the right thing, unfortunately it's just a lot.

I don't know how your dates worked OP, but we have an 8 week half term??? It's so bloody long and all the kids and teachers look frazzled. I'm "just" a parent and I'm fucking exhausted!

People who don't work let their kids have too much screen time, so don't feel too bad. The guilt of being a mother, always makes us question our choices and think we could be doing a better job.

Hang in there!!

A few things - we don't all live in areas where there's an abundance of private schools. There are barely any where I live. No idea if this is the case for the OP. Also, many have as their main perk reduced fees for your own children and it's a cold day in hell before my kids go to a) private school and b) a school i teach in.

Saying to my line manager that I was struggling would start a long road that would eventually lead to my dismissal. It's not advisable in some schools.

Op their childhoods are not shit. Take a day off ffs

I work in a school (not a teacher) and you have my upmost sympathy. I wouldn’t teach for a million pounds a year.

My dc are like this about breakfast club and after school club.

We have long, detailed discussions when necessary, which allow them to arrive at the conclusion that having me there for all of the holidays to lounge around in pjs, hang out together etc, is vastly preferable to the alternative, which makes wraparound care soooooo worth it!

I feel your pain. I don't know what the solution is, otherwise - look for a more flexible job in education? Depends on your subject, to an extent.

You sound like you are working v hard for your family and that is NOTHING to feel like a failure about.

I work in a school (not a teacher) and you have my upmost sympathy. I wouldn’t teach for a million pounds a year

Me too! OP teaching is bloody hard! And tbh this term everyone is pushed to the limit at the school I’m in.

Take Thursday and Friday off- (sickness bug or migraine or just feeling shivery and unwell) get some rest, watch some rubbish on the telly and have a real think about how you can improve things at home for now, ie can you buy in more help for example a cleaner, and/or one to one childcare in the morning or afternoon, can you batch cook meals, have your food shopping delivered etc etc.

Take care OP

I am an ex-teacher and my last post was primary SLT. My thoughts would be:

If I had my time again I would take more sick days to get me through stressful times. I teetered on the brink of burnout most years.

Go up to a promoted post or go down to mainscale, but HOD is probably the worst spot in terms of work vs pay.

There are non-teaching jobs out there. Look at local government, quangos, charities, NHS. Pay won’t be quite as good but you will have your evenings and weekends back! You could possibly even make money on the side with a small business or tutoring.

If I were to go back I would look seriously at schools in the independent sector.

So.

My mother was in the same position as you, and it broke her - she pushed through until i was 14 and then had a nervous breakdown, the screaming and crying is nothing compared to running home to check she hasnt committed suicide, or the times I looked for her when she decided to pack a bag and take a train to anywhere.

It feels desperate, but you know you cant carry on the same way, even if its downsizing or taking a break - do what you need to do and keep yourself front and centre, god knows the job will just keep taking.

I just wanted to say the kids will be fine. My father died when I was 4 years old and my mum was a Secondary HOD. We were busy children and spent time before and after school at neighbours' houses. Like you my mum didn't take any time off and stoically held it together for years.

My friends tell me they were all scared of my Mum as she was strict and would shout but all I remember were the holidays and great times when she was not working. Your boys will be gaining strength from you. You are human and bound to lose it under such pressure. Very few families have quality time mid week. Some screentime is not the end of the world if they focus when at school.

Give yourself a break. Plan when you can retire and start counting the days. Go as soon as you can. You are a hero and deserve an MBE. The kids will be at uni in a few years.