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Original poster

Son attending ex's wedding

46 replies

Mumsyof3boys · 10/12/2018 11:09

Hi, I'm just new to this and want advice on if I'm being unreasonable. My ex is getting married in New year's Eve and obviously wants my son to be there. I have no objection to this at all.
I offered for my 12 year old son to stay the night before, attend the wedding all day and I would pick him up at 11pm which tbh I think is more than late enough.
He's refused this and wants him to stay until the very end then go home with his granny. I honestly don't want my son around people drinking and partying until maybe 1am.
My son is an early bird and is sleeping most nights for 10.30pm. Am I being unreasonable? Thanks for any advice.

OP posts:
Escolar · 10/12/2018 11:11

Does your son want to stay? If so then I think YABU. It's only one night and it sounds like his granny will keep an eye on him.

fuzzywuzzy · 10/12/2018 11:12

Will there be anyone sober supervising your so that late on New Year’s Eve?

I don’t think YABU, surely 11pm is plenty late enough for a 12 year old.

Ask your son what he wants.

Candy43 · 10/12/2018 11:13

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. 11pm is quite late enough for a kid to be out

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Davespecifico · 10/12/2018 11:14

I think YANBU but I think your ex us unlikely to back down. Your son could tell him he wants to come home that evening perhaps.
If this does end up happening, it's a bit unthinking of your ex, but not the end of the world. Your son will probably conk out at 11ish, have a little sleep in a corner then a lie in in the morning. He'll be fine.

formerbabe · 10/12/2018 11:16

Maybe you could play it by ear...so agree in principle to staying to the end but tell him he can call you if he wants to come home earlier and you'll pick him up. Sometimes kids think they want to stay up late but when it comes to it, they realise they're tired.

My ds once asked if he could stay up on Nye but actually by 10.30pm, he'd had enough and went to bed!

CrimpBrunette · 10/12/2018 11:16

What's the issue? My daughter attended a wedding with me at the weekend and we stayed till 1am, she loved it! There was other kids there and she danced the night away. We had a lie in yesterday then an early night last night, so staying late really did no harm.

anniehm · 10/12/2018 11:16

If son wants to stay then it is reasonable to let him - it's one night and he's 12 not 2. I'm sure granny is quite capable of looking out for him, but have an arrangement that if he's tired or bored and wants to come home he can call for a lift.

MadelineBeggs · 10/12/2018 11:17

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Original poster
Mumsyof3boys · 10/12/2018 11:17

His dad said it's a wedding not a drinking session but it's a wedding on New Year's Eve and everyone will be enjoying themselves rightly so. My son has said he'd rather come home but doesn't want to hurt his dad's feelings. When I explained this to my ex he blamed me in influencing him which I really haven't. I've said if they book him a room so he can go to bed etc if he's tired then that's fine but he's refusing to do so.
He's also stopped all communication so we don't even know when he's picking my son up for weekly contact, he's just arriving at the door. It's so frustrating.

OP posts:
Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 10/12/2018 11:19

I think you need to let him stay.

It's NYE and his dad is getting married. Let him stay and celebrate. YOu haven;t highlighted any issues, just that he likes to go to bed normally at 10:30 but he's 12 and will probably carry on enjoying the time with everyone.

FadedRed · 10/12/2018 11:19

Maybe it’s because it’s NYE then it’s not unreasonable to want to see the new year in with his dad’s family. A twelve year old is old enough for that, not a school day etc.
Do you have a reasonable relationship with exMIL? Maybe you could say to her that if you DS is tired and wants to come home at any time, then she can ring you and you will pick him up.

Eeeeek2 · 10/12/2018 11:20

At 12 and during school holidays I'd let him. If you are getting married New Year's Eve then isn't half the point that the wedding will see the new year in.

You can always say to ds and possibly ex that if he isn't managing it then ds can ring you and you'll not be drinking so you can pick him up if necessary.

Original poster
Mumsyof3boys · 10/12/2018 11:22

Sorry but I don't think a 12 year old laying sleeping in a corner while adults are drinking and dancing around him is ok. When we were together my ex's mum had a drink problem and my son very rarely sees her now although tbf I'm not sure how she is now. There's 2 other children invited aged 7 and 4 who are leaving at 9pm so there isn't anyone else his own age there. My son just wants to please everyone regardless of his own feelings.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 10/12/2018 11:22

At 12 I can’t see the issue of staying at his dads wedding and bringing in the new year with them.

JudgeRindersMinder · 10/12/2018 11:23

It’s not a school night, it’s his dad’s wedding and 31st December, it’s not “most nights” My 16 year old is sleeping by 11 most nights by 11, it doesn’t mean I expect that when it’s a special occasion.

Absolutely unreasonable to want him home early. If there are younger school age children there they will probably be there till the end.

You don’t want him around people drinking and partying?? OK people falling about drunk isn’t the greatest thing for anyone to have to witness, ut in my experience they’re in the minority. He’s 12, not 3. Loosen up and let him enjoy it

Original poster
Mumsyof3boys · 10/12/2018 11:26

We had an ok relationship, he's meant to get son 3 times a week but he's lucky seeing him 3 times a month, he's meant to take him overnight 2 times a month but hasn't had him from boxing night last year. I don't pressure him although these days are court ordered. I let him get him at whatever time suits him and keep until he wants. This is the first time I haven't agreed and he's stopped all communication, I've never met his oh so I'm not sure what her view on this is.

OP posts:
Cherries101 · 10/12/2018 11:26

The fact that he just shows up at your door instead of prearranging contact suggests he’s a dick. Go by what your son wants — if he’s saying he wants to be picked up then arrange it with him. It’s a hotel so he can meet you in the hotel lobby if needed. Alternatively if he doesn’t want to go then don’t send him.

I would also make the ex go through the courts for access— him showing up randomly isn’t good for your son.

dippledorus · 10/12/2018 11:27

he's 12. You should let him stay and come home the next day if poss.

Brakebackcyclebot · 10/12/2018 11:30

I got married 3 years ago, and would have been absolutely fuming if my ex told me that our children weren't allowed by him to stay at our wedding until the end.

Your son is in the middle of this. Have you considered that he may be telling both you and your ex what he thinks you want to hear? ie. that you want to hear he doesn't want to stay, and that his dad wants to hear that he does. He is stuck between you.

Are you 100% sure you aren't just wanting to have some level of control here?

Original poster
Mumsyof3boys · 10/12/2018 11:30

As I've said above the only other 2 children are leaving at 9pm, one of which is his other son. My main concern is my son has stated he would rather stay at home after but doesn't want to hurt his dad's feelings. I tried to explain this but it was all blamed on me and son has said he doesn't feel comfortable telling him he wants to leave.

OP posts:
MinorRSole · 10/12/2018 11:30

I think your son should go and enjoy himself, you may not think you've influenced him but it's highly likely you have in a subconscious way. Had you been excited for him, saying he's going to have fun and how wonderful to see in the new year with his dad I bet he would be raring to go.

My ex dropped the dc the minute he remarried - trust me it's far less damaging to be at a family wedding than it is to have that happen.

It's not an every day thing so I think you need to relax, trust that his dad will look after him and allow him to be excited about going.

sherrysfortea · 10/12/2018 11:31

I don't see the issue really, one night once in a while won't harm him. I had 5 year olds at my wedding enjoying themselves until the bitter end.

Sirzy · 10/12/2018 11:34

Problem is if he is telling you one thing and his dad another then it is hard to judge which is actually now he feels. Sounds like it could be a child stuck in the middle trying to keep everyone happy

Seniorschoolmum · 10/12/2018 11:35

I wouldn’t be happy either. I had this issue with my ds 10. Ok he’s a couple of years younger but you’re right, people will be drinking heavily, your ex’s attention will be elsewhere and that’s a safeguarding issue.

If your son wants to come home, could you agree with your ex that if your ds gets to 10pm and wants to come home, he can ring you. Or if he’s having a good time, he can stay.
And remember to text the granny so no-one is inconvenienced.

Original poster
Mumsyof3boys · 10/12/2018 11:37

We have a court order in place for years, he didn't stick to the 1st one when he was with his ex gf, we set a new one up with this gf and he doesn't stick to it either but I don't pressure him. We have offered to sit down with him and his oh to sort things out but he's refusing. This is definitely not about control, I have been the most flexible I can, I change plans last minute to suit his work rota etc. My son never knew we'd been to court etc until last week when his dad sat him down and told him all about it.
I told my son he can do whatever he wants, if he wants to come home at 11 I'll pick him up, if he wants to stay until it's over I'll pick him up, if he wants to stay until the next day I'll pick him up. Not once did I tell him I want him to leave the wedding, my son comes first regardless of how I feel.

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