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Original poster

Son attending ex's wedding

46 replies

Mumsyof3boys · 10/12/2018 11:09

Hi, I'm just new to this and want advice on if I'm being unreasonable. My ex is getting married in New year's Eve and obviously wants my son to be there. I have no objection to this at all.
I offered for my 12 year old son to stay the night before, attend the wedding all day and I would pick him up at 11pm which tbh I think is more than late enough.
He's refused this and wants him to stay until the very end then go home with his granny. I honestly don't want my son around people drinking and partying until maybe 1am.
My son is an early bird and is sleeping most nights for 10.30pm. Am I being unreasonable? Thanks for any advice.

OP posts:

MinorRSole · 10/12/2018 11:40

Oh poppy cock @Seniorschoolmum . My own dc were at my wedding and nobody was so inebriated that the children weren't well cared for. They had a brilliant time, were much younger than op's child and one has autism but was looked after by my mum the whole time. Children attend family weddings all the time - it only ever seems to be a problem when it's the nrp getting married

Original poster

Mumsyof3boys · 10/12/2018 11:43

Believe me I was excited for him, his dad wants him to do a speech and he didn't know what to say so I sat with him and we write a beautiful speech for him to read out. We spent an afternoon picking out a wedding present from him to his dad and new wife. I'll maybe ask can he ring me if he'd like to come home, which honestly I think he will as he doesn't stay out of our house , I just hope it's resolved asap as its stress none of us need at the minute, thank you so much for all your replies.x

OP posts:

EdtheBear · 10/12/2018 11:45

Op YABU he's 12. Its a one off occasion.

Many many kids will be staying up for 'the bells' either in their own houses or parties elsewhere, never mind their own fathers wedding.

Give DS the option if he wants picked up phone but your assuming if he doesn't call by 11 he's going to Grannies. Resist all temptation to text or call during the day.

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Weddings

OhMyGodIKnowHim · 10/12/2018 11:46

@MinorRSole
I completely agree with this.
Me and DH got married last year, stepson was 7, daughter was 3. We did all stay over at the hotel (they stayed in room with my parents). 3 year old went to sleep in the pram around 10pm. 7 year old was still lighting up the dance floor after midnight.
Its a one off, not remotely a big deal, and only an issue it seems for separated parents? What would you do with your own children at your own wedding when there was no one else to pick them up?
If DHs ex had requested the same as you at our wedding he would have also said no - even more so if he was 12!!

fuzzywuzzy · 10/12/2018 11:49

So the father barely sees him altho he has a court order in place.

He turns up as hoc when he chooses and you change your plans?

Father had turned off all communication to you, so you can’t actually contact him!

He won’t book a room for his child to go and sleep if he gets tired during the night.

Granny who is meant of supervise has a known drinking problem.

The only two other children attending, including a half sibling are leaving at 9pm.

Son would like to come home that evening.

Yeah I would just smile and nod at ex, and tell your son you’ll pick him up at 11 or earlier if he wants, just keep phone on him and you’ll meet him outside the venue.

It’s a wedding,

fuzzywuzzy · 10/12/2018 11:51

It’s a wedding on New Year’s Eve and it sounds like it will be a load of people getting utterly trashed to see the new year in.

I would not want a child of mine hanging around drunk adults till 1am either.

Original poster

Mumsyof3boys · 10/12/2018 11:53

I understand what you are saying, my ex, new wife and their son are staying overnight at hotel but my son has to leave at 1/1.30 am to stay in his grans. I've said if he was staying with them and could just go to bed with his tablet etc if he's tired or bored then that's certainly not an issue. I spoke to him months ago and he agreed 11pm but now 3 weeks before he changed his mind and won't sit down to try and resolve anything .

OP posts:

Original poster

Mumsyof3boys · 10/12/2018 11:56

I was told his half brother and cousin we're leaving but now it's just the cousin leaving and his half brother is being put to bed at hotel and he has to go to his grans. I actually reached out to his new partner this morning, ( that's how I know change of plans) she seems lovely and willing to try to resolve it so fingers crossed we get this sorted 🤞🏻

OP posts:

Original poster

Mumsyof3boys · 10/12/2018 12:00

You have got it in one. We literally do whatever we can so my son can have any sort of contact with his dad. It's so petty it's unreal. They took him on holiday last year and I had to go to a solicitor to find out where they would be staying as ex refused to tell us. I would love even a civil relationship between our 2 families for my son's sake but ex just does what he wants. Another few years and my son will be mature enough to deal with him. Thank you

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GetOffTheTableMabel · 10/12/2018 12:02

Is there perhaps a compromise to be had by offering to pick him up just after midnight. He can see in the New Year at the party but leave immediately afterwards. It’s only one more hour but it might seem significant to your ex that he is staying past midnight and you can seem reasonable by offering to compromise.

Trinity66 · 10/12/2018 12:04

Do whatever your son wants to do. If he wants to come home, bring him home.

OhMyGodIKnowHim · 10/12/2018 12:04

Changed my mind - why isn't he staying if they are staying with their son - that's not very fair. You're ex sounds like a dick!

Original poster

Mumsyof3boys · 10/12/2018 12:06

Hi, yes I offered to pick him up when the wedding was over even if it's 1/1.30 am but he's insisting he goes home to his granny's even though him, new wife and their son are staying at hotel. He's ignoring any messages so I've reached out to his oh and asked if they'd agree to my son phoning me whenever he's ready to come home regardless if the time so hopefully that'll work.

OP posts:

OhMyGodIKnowHim · 10/12/2018 12:08

I would just leave him to it - tell your son to ring your when he's ready to be picked up and go and get him. Ex doesn't sound like he'll even notice !

Original poster

Mumsyof3boys · 10/12/2018 12:08

They just said their son could sleep in their bed but my son is obviously too big. To be honest I'm probably being a bit selfish as I'd just like my son home safe and sound whether that's 11pm or 1am and I've said I'll pick him up no matter what time .

OP posts:

Jaxhog · 10/12/2018 12:09

I 'd be asking - will his granny be sober enough to bring him home safely, and where will he sleep until then?

In any case, your DS should be able to choose to call you if he wants to come home sooner.

Original poster

Mumsyof3boys · 10/12/2018 12:16

I've asked his oh can we agree that my son can ring me when he's ready to come home and I'll collect him. I'd rather he came home to his own bed as they won't even be in the granny's house. Also to clarify were split up 11 years and I'm happily married for 4. My son stayed with us at my wedding as all of my family attended it and his dad refused to have him overnight 🙄 he had to legally leave the hall at 9pm so him, my younger son and 2 nephew's climbed into a comfy hotel bed with a party and their tablets and were sleeping for 10pm 😁

OP posts:

Davespecifico · 10/12/2018 13:20

I feel a bit embarrassed having stated my thoughts about your situation before I knew that ex had not stuck to contact properly and other children all get to go home earlier. This changes things.
I think, from your ex's point of view, you're trying to assert some control over his wedding plans for no good reason, so he's digging his heels in.

Obviously, you only have your son's best interests at heart. Fingers crossed his new partner will help you out with this.

HauntedPencil · 10/12/2018 13:24

I was thinking why bing just let him stay with the family after the wedding but then why did they not book him into the hotel with them? That seems mean if the other son is staying.

HauntedPencil · 10/12/2018 13:25

He does sound like a pipe OP.

Original poster

Mumsyof3boys · 10/12/2018 13:41

Thank you, I should have explained it better, his oh has said she'll speak to him and let me know. I don't want to sound bitter because I'm definitely not but she has 3 older sons plus they have a son together and they're always at family weddings, christenings etc that my son hasn't been invited to. He also has an 8 year old daughter he hasn't seen in 3 years who won't be at the wedding. I've done everything from helping my son write his speech, pick a wedding present, offered to pick son up so it's one less thing for them to sort but like you say he maybe thinks I'm trying to control some part of his big day so hopefully his oh can explain my side of things 🤞🏻

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