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How to support anorexic dd?

30 replies

LadyGodivasOperation · 10/12/2018 02:26

Dd 17 is in outpatient care for anorexia.

What can I do during this refeeding period to be more supportive and make her feel better?

My heart is breaking for her. What else can I do for her? Ive bought her nice bath things, soft pjs, lots of little treats, made more time for her.

What practical things can I do for her to help or make her feel better?

OP posts:
knittedjest · 10/12/2018 02:58

Unfortunately there isn't much you can do besides give her time and support.

You need to try and accept that she has to choose and want to recover herself. You can't do it for her. Time and bath stuff are of course lovely but they won't help the actual anorexia itself. Just keep supporting her and inviting her to eat with you or sit and chat with you while you eat, make eating seem social and casual, but if she doesn't want to eat right then, accept that. Just keep inviting her, keep food she's liked in the past in the house, don't apply any force around it or bring attention to her when she eats or gains any weight so she isn't anxious about it.

Ricekrispie22 · 10/12/2018 06:50

Create distractions for her during and just after meal times and snack times... Things like doing a puzzle together, reading a book to her or engaging her in deep discussion about something completely unrelated to her ED.
Hide recipe books and weighing scales.

Goawayquickly · 10/12/2018 08:06

Do you have the Eva Musbys book Anorexia and other eating disorders? It is extremely helpful with both understanding the illness as there are some great tips on meal coaching.

The forum 'around the dinner table' is very supportive with a wealth of information.
The bottom line is she needs to eat and she needs to eat a lot to repair the damage the illness causes to body and brain. It's harder at 17 but you'll need to take full control of her food for a long while.
It's highly unlikely she'll choose to get better, but there's lots of information on how to make it a non choice.

I can PM you with some private Facebook support groups if you wish.

dangermouseisace · 10/12/2018 09:53

Distraction might be in order at times. So playing games, going to the cinema, anything to take her mind off her body. When you’re being refed it feels so uncomfortable physically and psychologically. Personally, I’d find spending a long time in the bath a negative thing in those circumstances.

Also, not pressurising her to eat etc if she’s doing all that as an outpatient, but making sure there are healthy snacks and drinks about eg fruit, nuts , nice teas etc.

When I was anorexic I found my mates were much better support than my family, because they treated me like a normal human being, talked about normal things and took me out to do normal 17 year old things. It was nice to escape from anorexia and be reminded about real life! If your daughter has non anorexic friends it might help to support her to maintain these relationships.

LadyGodivasOperation · 10/12/2018 11:14

Thank you for the replies.

She is making an effort to recover. I have been taking packaging off foods so she isnt confronted with calorie counts. Everyone in the house has been briefed not to react to her eating, despite the fact we all want to give her a standing ovation for struggling through meals.

I admit I did say something to her counting out 18 cheerios for her cereal portion, but just a friendly come on, you can have more than that, it's ok.

She likes adult coloring books, so ive encouraged her to fiddle with them at mealtimes.

I feel a bit disloyal discussing this, but honestly appreciate the ideas.

OP posts:
dangermouseisace · 10/12/2018 13:49

Don’t feel disloyal OP, it sounds like you’re just trying to do your best to support your daughter. As parents we don’t know all the answers, and outside input is sensible. And if you are anorexic, at the time it’s nearly impossible to know what will, or won’t be helpful (as in not feed into the disorder).

Removing the packaging is definitely Star even though I’m “recovered” they are still tricky. Has your DD removed items like my fitness pal off her phone, if she had them?

LookImAHooman · 10/12/2018 13:58

I’ve been recovering/recovered for over 15 years and to this day I find I automatically rotate every label so the nutrition information and traffic lights face away from me in the fridge and cupboards.

I love my DM very dearly and I know my illness was hard on her as well so I can appreciate you’re doing an amazing job; I think we’d all want our parents to do similar. Flowers

Kismetjayn · 10/12/2018 14:01

I wish my mum was more like you. You sound lovely, and like you're doing all you can x

Frozenteatowel · 10/12/2018 15:52

I agree you sound so lovely and supportive. Just carry on doing thoughtful little acts which show you appreciate how hard this is for her. Acknowledge it must be so hard to eat when every fibre of your being is trying to stop you. Don’t make her ED the elephant in the room by not ever mentioning it. It shouldn’t be a guilty secret. Definitely agree with removing the packaging from foods and absolutely no scales, fitbits or health apps.

I used to hate my parents for trying to make me eat and arguing about me. It was only when my own DD had anorexia that I realised the sheer desperation, helplessness and powerlessness you can feel as a parent when your child is in the grip of this horrible illness. Don’t forget to be kind to yourself too, it’s exhausting and frightening to go through for you as well as DD.

LadyGodivasOperation · 10/12/2018 16:04

It's been dreadful. I had no idea for about 9 months, she became expert at throwing away food surreptitiously. She was already slim, and just layered clothes.
She passed out one day, and admitted to skipping meals.
Then came the very aggressive refusals to eat. Food thrown at me. I wore a lot of pasta.
Long story short, she wanted the help ive arranged, school was ditched, and she is trying very hard.

No more apps on her phone. And she comes to me if she has a wobble. In return I make meals which she finds easier to eat as long as they are dietician approved and enough calories.

Im terrified for her.
She actually struggled through a meal with noodles (not safe),.sauce (satay, peanut butter, not safe), veg, and chicken! Choosing it over her safe option (egg, jacket potato, sour cream, beans)..then burst into tears shaking.
She wanted to show me she was making an effort after a bit of a tough morning.
I dont feel much like a nice mother right now.

Ive got her a microwaveable soft toy, that smells like lavender to hold on her tummy, which she seems to like. And im trying to not let her see how upset I am.

The flip side of all this healthy eating, weighing kids push against obesity, is that some sensitive souls will cut out snacks...then breakfast...and spiral into this. She was not overweight!

She is beautiful, artistic, a bit perfectionist, sensitive. She did start drawing again. Im seeing glimmers of spark back there.

OP posts:
LadyGodivasOperation · 10/12/2018 16:08

I got rid of scales etc. So she uses her hands to measure her waist, or a belt. Its an uphill struggle for the poor kid.

Well done to all you recovered people! Ive immense respect!

Dd can hate me when she needs to, im sure she loves me really.

OP posts:
Needallthesleep · 10/12/2018 16:08

This thread has just made me have a little cry for how lovely and supportive you sound OP. You come across as a wonderful mother.

LadyGodivasOperation · 10/12/2018 16:17

You are going to make me cry, I feel like I failed her horribly. I didn't notice she was starving, or got sub 100 pounds. I started off by shoving plates of pasta in front of her and making her sit there.
In my defence anorexia is very sneaky.
It was only when I ended up wearing the pasta I realised it was a problem.

The behaviour caused by the anorexia isnt her.

We do talk about it, when she wants to. She has actually admitted and used the words anorexia, after months of im fine, you are wrong. She told me she is not ok.

So im cautiously optimistic.

She doesn't want to go back to school, and wants to pursue art, im fine with it and will support that.

OP posts:
Frozenteatowel · 10/12/2018 16:31

You absolutely haven’t failed her at all. The essence of anorexia is that it makes the person who has it an expert of deception. Whatever the question you have a plausible response. You wear clothes that will disguise your weight loss, you find ever more cunning ways to hide and get rid of food. I would have had no idea my DD was anorexic if I hadn’t had it myself. The signs can be very hard to spot.

It’s an amazingly positive sign that DD will come to you willingly when she’s having a wobble. Also amazingly positive she can admit she has the problem and can say mention anorexia. She is pushing herself to fight her instinct to stick to her safe foods and that takes so much strength. But the more she does it the more she will hopefully be able to widen her selection of foods. She sounds on the right track and you are doing her proud. Don’t for a minute feel that by not noticing her weight loss or by placing pasta etc infront of her you have failed her. You really haven’t. The whole Illness is focussed on keeping what you’re doing below the radar and you get very very good at it very quickly . Here’s to better times ahead for you both.

Frozenteatowel · 10/12/2018 16:39

Forgot to say I’ve been recovered for over 30 years and DD 14 years.

Kismetjayn · 10/12/2018 19:04

You haven't failed her! You're doing exactly what you need to.

My parents didn't notice until I was >80lbs, people at my work tried to contact drs for me before they did. I was in hospital and my mum still said I was making it up to be dramatic! How can you even make up an actual weight?

That's failing a child. Everything you are doing is supporting your child.

ABitCrapper · 10/12/2018 19:18

Im an ex anorexic.
One of the best things in found to help with the panic after meals was music. Nice calming classical, or Christmas songs at this time of year.
Try to encourage getting rid of the more extreme tiny clothes as well.
One of the best things about getting well is feeling warm finally, or having a nice bath without the bones in your back and bum getting bruised! :)

StillMedusa · 10/12/2018 19:43

You haven't failed her at all. Anorexia is sneaky, it sneaks up on the anorexic it sneaks up on the family.

My DD1 (also a bright perfectionist) had probably been ill for a long time before anyone realised...started in 6th form, but she has always been very slim so it went under the radar...she went off to University and the stress of the change and homesickness and it became her only control... when she returned for the holidays she was 5 stone 9 ..and she's 5 ft 9 tall so it was horrifying.
BUT like your DD, she still had enough insight to want to make the change and recover. I won't lie, it was hard, she hated me a lot of the time as I had to take the brunt of her anger and fear. We had good support and gradually she improved...and with support back at Uni she managed to continue her course and is now a doctor herself.

I don't think she will ever be 100% recovered... food will never be simply a pleasure I don't think, but she is happy, recently married, and she is herself again. Hang in there. It CAN be fought, it CAN be overcome xx

LadyGodivasOperation · 10/12/2018 19:44

Kismet, ive no idea how you recovered without her support, you brave thing! Well done! I do hope you are looking after yourself and things are better for you now?

Ive tried to get her to give up her tiny jeans, but it just isnt happening. I have got her new things. We are pretty early in the gaining process.

Im devestated at how thin she is. She isnt hiding so much.

Her sibs are being kind, but it's hard for them. The why dont you just eat thing is hard for them to understand. She stole ds's Doritos, I had to explain to not even mention it.

I just want her to recover so she can have fun like any other teen girl.

OP posts:
LizzieMacQueen · 10/12/2018 19:53

Have you read Mark Austin's account of life with his anorexic daughter? Think there was also a TV programme. I rate him as a broadcaster so I'm sure he'll have some sensible info.

SirBobblyofSock · 10/12/2018 20:01

Watching this for a friend who is going through this with her DD. Such a dreadful illness.

Kismetjayn · 10/12/2018 21:11

I am much better! I got pregnant at a BMI of 15 somehow, so took that as motivation to get my act in gear. I had to address all my reasons for being ill before I could give it up, but I haven't had a wobble for two years now.

I kept my tiny clothes for ages. What I had to do was to leave them in the leaky shed as storage. Once they were ruined I had to get rid of them and I knew they would get ruined there but somehow it didn't count as getting rid of them, because I had still kept them... Just somewhere wildly unsuitable where I could pretend, if I didn't open the door, they'd still be fine. They were horrendously mildewed and rotted when I did look at them again, and then I could throw them out with less regret because they weren't my lovely tiny clothes that I once fitted.

Perthshire2 · 10/12/2018 21:22

Op you are freaking awesome xxxxxx

I’m in recovery for my Bulimia, I wish I could hug you and your daughter xxxxxxxxxx

dangermouseisace · 10/12/2018 21:26

You haven’t failed your daughter OP!

There will be tears and being scared/feeling out of control. This is your daughter challenging herself and you supporting her to challenge herself.

I had an episode last year due to depression, and honestly, having to eat things that I’d become scared of whilst in hospital was good for me, as I learned that nothing bad happened after I ate it.

LadyGodivasOperation · 10/12/2018 21:58

I truly didn't expect the support! Thank you!

I got the heads up she was doing jumping jacks, went and stopped her as gently as i I could. I would say she looked relieved at my turning up. She hasnt started up again.

You are all amazing. Thank you. I have been blaming myself. I actually called her beautifully slim before I realized she had a problem. She did look lovely that day, and it was before it really took hold. Ive always been into eating healthily..and unfortunately have food allergies. Ive never had an eating disorder.

I should have had a more loose policy towards junk food.

Perthshire, hugs to you too. Im so sorry you are suffering. Its absolutely miserable.

I do hope this thread might be some support to people trying to recover or support those in recovery.

I wondered about writing daily encouraging notes she can read, but dont want to seem too pushy.

OP posts:
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