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Original poster

Dilemma looking after DS when having DC2

33 replies

mortifiedmama · 09/12/2018 22:44

So when we had DS I went in to spontaneous labour and we didn't tell anyone until he was born. I ended up needing to stay in hospital a couple of days. We invited both grandparents to visit at hospital the following day. DPs parents came, stayed 30 mins, left me to feed (went for a coffee) then came back for 30mins before leaving me to rest. All great, very respectful.

DM couldn't come that day so we told her we'd call when we knew whether I'd still be in the following day. She bombarded me with calls and texts the following morning. As soon as I knew I was being discharged I told her and said we'd ring once I left (she works in hospitals and knows discharges can take time) and she could come then - she's lives just over an hour away so it'd give us time to get home and settle in before she turned up.

We got home about 4 hours later (10 minutes from the house), she was sat outside with my 4yo niece. Grabbed DS from his carseat as soon as we put it down and didn't move or deal with DN for almost 4 hours. I was severely anaemic (still undecided whether I was going to need a transfusion), exhausted as DS would only sleep on me or feed and I'd had a very traumatic labour, birth injuries and surgery. She refused to leave (2 subtle hints, 2 direct requests). And made digs at me being selfish for breastfeeding and accused me of lying about feeding cues just to get him back. DH occupied DN, made a brew, and defended me and asked her to leave, which eventually got her to leave.

I'm pregnant with DC2. I'm having a section this time. I'll need to be at hospital at 7am, DSs nursery doesn't open until 8. The only person available to look after DS is my mum. But I don't trust her to respect my boundaries such as not telling anyone my section date, not harrasing us for updates and not turning up at the hospital or staying at ours after DH has got home.

Anyone any tips?

A number of other issues have come up in the intervening 3 years which show she hasn't changed.

OP posts:
CarrieBlu · 09/12/2018 22:49

Any trusted neighbours, friends, parents of friends of your DS? People are often very willing to step in and help with a small favour like this, especially in a situation like yours.

Failing that, try advertising on childcare.co.uk for a nanny/childminder who can help you as a one-off. Someone local to you may have a few hours to spare.

DelphiniumBlue · 09/12/2018 22:50

Could you ask one of the nursery workers to come to yours before nursery as a private arrangement?
Or are there other parents could ask? It's only an hour, not a big deal, I'm sure people would help out even if you don't know them well.
Or DH can take your DS to nursery then meet you at the hospital. Not ideal but if needs must...

Blondielongie · 09/12/2018 22:53

I think one of the nursery workers would be willing to help. My friend had a similar situation and it seemed quite common that they help out with this sort of thing.

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Original poster
mortifiedmama · 09/12/2018 22:55

Any trusted neighbours, friends, parents of friends of your DS? People are often very willing to step in and help with a small favour like this, especially in a situation like yours.

Unfortunately not - they either work or have young kids and not enough room in the car.

I was wondering about asking his nursery key worker, she lives near by and walks to nursery. We could either drop him with her (he walks the same distance with us) or she could come to us (it's about 200m out of her way). Would it be weird to ask?

But what if it over runs, we've no one to pick him up.

OP posts:
CatLadyToddlerMother · 09/12/2018 22:56

My DDs Nursery have opened early as a one off for one or two child in these circumstances so could ask, or maybe a member of staff would have him for an hour or so before Nursery opens?

I'd also be willing to help out other parents in these circumstances so could ask the other childrens parents.

DontMakeMeShushYou · 09/12/2018 22:57

What about your PIL, assuming they are still around?

Or ask whether a member of the nursery staff would have him earlier for you, in a babysitting role, before he goes to nursery.

Or a friend? Another parent whose child goes to nursery with your DS.

Or ask around to see whether there is a local childminder who could have him for you as a one-off.

Or your DH stays with your DS and you go to hospital.

Kpo58 · 09/12/2018 22:57

Why doesn't your DP drop you off at the hospital and then take your DS to nursery? It's unlikely that you will have the C-section straight away and you don't need him there whilst you read the paper/phone or anything else really when you are waiting.

What are your plans if your C-section ends up being at the end of the day (around 5pm) due to emergency C-sections?

PurpleCrazyHorse · 09/12/2018 22:58

Sitters website for a night nanny? Your DS could then stay in bed and the nanny drop at nursery? You would obviously need space for a nanny to stay over unless you arranged for a very early start.

Friend? I would happily stay at someone's house to watch their DC if going for a c-section. Plus it would only be until your DC1 needs dropping at nursery.

Unfortunately DH missed DC2's birth because he was looking after DC1. Labour progressed faster than grandparent's journey! It's not great but these things happen. If you really want to keep the date secret, then that might be the only other option, in that you go it alone until nursery opens.

DontMakeMeShushYou · 09/12/2018 22:59

But what if it over runs, we've no one to pick him up.

Your DH leaves you and picks him up. It's just the sort of change to your lives that you'll have to make now you (are about to) have 2 kids.

DontMakeMeShushYou · 09/12/2018 23:02

FWIW, DH stayed at home with DS when I was having DD. It really is hard to find emergency care at 3am.

SavoyCabbage · 09/12/2018 23:02

Yes, I'd get your dh to do both the dropping off and the picking up.

Firefliess · 09/12/2018 23:02

They won't be doing the section at 7am so DH could drop you off at hospital, then take DS to nursery then come back to be with you. That would be good for DS too, as it's a familiar routine.

But be aware that if you're in for a planned section there's always a possibility of being booted to the end the day if they get emergency ones in. So you probably need a friend who could be on standby to collect DS from nursery if it's too soon for DH to leave you

MissWimpyDimple · 09/12/2018 23:04

I sympathise, but you need to accept that you possibly won't have your DH with you the whole time. He can take you to hospital and then drop your son off. If it overruns, then he collects your son.

Unfortunately that's the way it goes!

CarrieBlu · 09/12/2018 23:04

If a nursery worker is happy to have your DS before nursery, you’ll probably find that they’re happy to walk him home and babysit him in the evening too if necessary. I would suggest a trial run though to get your DS used to the idea if he’s not used to being looked after by other people. Nursery wages are rubbish (I know, I spent years working in one), so I was always happy to do extra babysitting to top up my wages.

Original poster
mortifiedmama · 09/12/2018 23:07

DontMakeMeShushYou unfortunately they are in Spain for the month! They did offer to come home but it seems mean when we do have another option.

OP posts:
MsJaneAusten · 09/12/2018 23:07

I agree with PP. DH drops you st hospital, then DS at nursery, then back to hospital to be with you. At the end of the day, he could either go get DS, or you could get ‘D’M to get him, as presumably that would occupy her so she wouldn’t be able to hassle you?

TulipsInbloom1 · 09/12/2018 23:09

Dh does it. He drops you, drops ds. Leaves in time to collect ds and either brings him back to meet sibling or stays home with him and waits for news.

teenagetantrums · 09/12/2018 23:10

Surely your dh can just drop you and then your ds after and come back to hospital? I would be more concorned about help after delivery than on the day. You can have c section alone if need be.

Original poster
mortifiedmama · 09/12/2018 23:11

I don't mind DH not being with me the whole time, so he could drop me off at hospital then drop DS then come back, I'd just have to hope I'm not first in (we live much further from the hospital now). My concern is if we have the section late. DH would rather ask my mum than miss it.

OP posts:
FangTasticFeast · 09/12/2018 23:12

You aren’t going to be having your csection before 9 o’clock. I was first on the list because they anticipated complications and didn’t get down until after 9 so I’d have dh drop you off, drop ds at nursery and then go back into you

FangTasticFeast · 09/12/2018 23:13

I’d think that it’s more likely you need to think about a late csection. How long are nursery open for?

Original poster
mortifiedmama · 09/12/2018 23:13

MsJaneAusten unfortunately I think she'd just turn up at hospital with him.

OP posts:
AirandMungBeans · 09/12/2018 23:14

I would ask if one of the nursery practitioners would look after DS and take him into nursery for you. As a practitioner myself, I'd be more than happy to do this for our families.

cestlavielife · 09/12/2018 23:15

Start using paid for childcare for ds now e.g. nursery worker. Get him used to the idea. And them used to him and where things are in your house.

And accept dh won't be with you the whole time.

Original poster
mortifiedmama · 09/12/2018 23:15

FangTasticFeast yeah, that's my worry. We do have a friend we could ask for that though.

It's not that I want it kept a secret per se, just that DM has a habit of telling the entire world our news before we can.

OP posts: