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Original poster

Straw poll...surnames

29 replies

TwllBach · 08/12/2018 10:46

DS (2.5) has the same surname as his dad, we all live together and me and DP are together as a couple but I don't think marriage is realistically on DP's radar. Regardless of the logistics of marriage, which isn't the point of this thread, I dislike not having the same surname as DS. When we found out I was pregnant, we weren't living together or even a serious couple but the assumption always was that DS would have DP's name and I went along with it because I just sort of felt like I should.

I regret it now and wish I had given him my name.

There's a deal on the Deed Poll website and essentially I could change my surname for £40. Obviously there would be extra on top for driving licence and passport, but I think £40 to begin with is a decent price. I'm not overly attached to my surname and do feel odd not having the same name.

Twice in just over two years it has been made an issue of - once when my mother sent a parcel addressed to DS using his full name that I missed, so had to collect at the post office. The man at the desk wouldn't give it to me because my surname was different. On top of that, this year we went on a family holiday to Majorca and DS and I ended up flying out separately to DP. I had to have a letter of permission, witnessed by a solicitor, and carry DS' birth certificate. No one checked on the way out, but on the way back at Manchester, even though DP was with us at the time, I was stopped specifically to be told that I would need those documents.

I know it's very common these days for families to have different surnames but I have found it to cause practical problems like above and I also find it a little upsetting. Perhaps upsetting is too strong a word, it's not like I sit around crying about it, but it does pop into my mind quite regularly.

Is it weird if I just change my name by deed poll? Does it bother anyone else, having different surnames to their children?

OP posts:

SmokeAndBone · 08/12/2018 10:55

I have a different surname to my DCs. They have their DH name. It doesn't bother me. However, I only discovered quite recently (they are 18 and 20) that it has on occasion bothered them.
They say it's weird for the people in a family to have different names, especially the Mum.

I'm not saying my experience is any reason to change your name (I feel very strongly I am Mrs SmokeandBone despite being married and having children), but maybe the insight is helpful.

PoutySprout · 08/12/2018 10:59

I know it's very common these days for families to have different surnames but I have found it to cause practical problems like above and I also find it a little upsetting.

Haven’t had any problems travelling or doing anything else for the last 8 years. Was married to DH for 10 years before having her and not sharing a surname has never been an issue for us. DD has my surname as a middle name and loves that it reflects all of her known family.

TheMagician · 08/12/2018 11:01

Start using it informally for years first so that you support your application.

My 16 yo dd wants to change her sur name to my own. I'm not sure it's worth the hassle myself. So I'm neither pushing her nor dissuading her.

But she said if she doesn't do it now then her (state) exam results will be in her father's name and she just wants to do it now but we would need his permission until she's 18.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

Original poster

TwllBach · 08/12/2018 11:18

I have told DP that I want to do it because it bothers me and he said he thinks it's silly and unnecessary and would cost a lot of money as I'm an adult with lots of places it would need changing etc. I said well let's change DS' to mine then - much cheaper and he said no... he can't seem to understand that I'm bothered by it and yet he wouldn't have entertained the idea of DS not having his surname.

I am becoming irrationally annoyed with the whole thing.

OP posts:

BlueBrush · 08/12/2018 12:46

I have a different name to DCs and it had really never bothered me at all, and hasn't caused any inconvenience. We've never travelled abroad, but I accept that if we do, I'll have to take some extra documents - it's just one more hoop to jump through when crossing the border, alongside all the other immigration and security checks we go through already.

I do know what you mean. I freaked out when I couldn't find one of the DC's full birth certificate, because it felt important to me to have documentary proof that I'm his mother. But I just ordered a copy, so not a problem.

EdithWeston · 08/12/2018 13:01

My DC have a different surname, as I did not change my name in marriage.

Picking up parcels is easy if your DC have a passport, you just take it along, as you wouid if you were getting your DP's post from the sorting office.

Once you've done all the permission toleave the country stuff, its easy for every trip afterwards. And the older your DC get, the more officials are guided by their demeanour than their documents.

But yes, it is traditional for DC to be given their mother's surname, which would match the father's if married. Too late for you to take a more traditional route now, so deed poll might be the best think for you to do if you all decide that you are the person who should change.

knittedjest · 08/12/2018 13:03

I have a different surname than all but my oldest. DH legally had a different surname than everybody until 5 years ago. And most of our adopted kids kept their original surnames so we there are lots of names floating around here. Never been a problem anywhere and it's never been an issue in terms of how we relate to one another.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 08/12/2018 13:15

would cost a lot of money as I'm an adult with lots of places it would need changing etc.

Eh? It would be a few letters you'd need to post wouldn't it?

ViragoKnows · 08/12/2018 13:19

Start using it informally for years first so that you support your application.

Why? There’s no need?

UpstartCrow · 08/12/2018 13:21

If your partner was bothered he would marry you.
Don't pay to change your surname when your partner cant be arsed to marry you or pay the fees. In years to come you will regret it and resent the money you wasted.

Noloudnoises · 08/12/2018 13:23

Why don't you change your child's to your surname-his surname? Best of both worlds?

ViragoKnows · 08/12/2018 13:23

I said well let's change DS' to mine then - much cheaper and he said no... he can't seem to understand that I'm bothered by it and yet he wouldn't have entertained the idea of DS not having his surname.

The other obvious option is to double barrel your DS’s name. What would he say to that? What do you think of it?

GileadWivesAreFashionIcons · 08/12/2018 13:38

Was going to say the same as noloud and Virago, can’t you double barrell your DS instead? For a start would be cheaper because less docs to change surely?

I have been in a similar position to you, my DD was registered with her Dad’s surname but he left when she was 5 months old. Then he started dating someone else and I realised that I really didn’t like the fact that if he got married then that person would have the same surname as my child but I wouldn’t. Then I started thinking about how unfair it felt that I was the one doing all of the hard work but she didn’t have my name. Then I started thinking about the practicalities, some of which have been mentioned but things like having difficulty travelling worried me.

We agreed to change her surname by deed poll so she’s double barrelled, but I offered him for his surname to be the first barrell as I figured that if part of it was ever missed of a form for example it was likely to be the second half. If I ever get married I will double barrell myself so that she and I always shared part of our name. It’s worked really well for us and seems to be the obvious solution here.

KanielOutis · 08/12/2018 13:53

There was a thread on here not too long ago about someone's 'dp' who wouldn't marry her, but to 'show his commitment' allowed her to change her name by deed poll.

TheMagician · 08/12/2018 14:30

Virago, apologies but in ireland, in situations where the father does not give consent, it can still be possible to apply to change the name through legal channels even if no permission is obtained if the mother's name has/is being used and there is evidence of that.. I assumed it would help in the uk in that situation.

PoutySprout · 08/12/2018 14:40

I really didn’t like the fact that if he got married then that person would have the same surname as my child but I wouldn’t.

Why assume that? You can call yourself whatever you want to, and they may well not change their name (this not being the 1800s and all).

GileadWivesAreFashionIcons · 08/12/2018 15:04

Fully aware of that @PoutySprout but regardless of how progressive times are I would say that 99% of the women I know who’ve got married have taken their DH’s surnames so I feel it was a safe bet. Anyway reasons 2 and 3 superseded that in the end....

ViragoKnows · 08/12/2018 15:08

Oh I see. No I don’t think we have anything like that here. Interesting.

GemmaMcEacharn · 08/12/2018 15:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

TwllBach · 08/12/2018 15:33

I think that although I said I didn't want to mention the marriage thing on this thread, maybe that is what is causing this.
UpstartCrow said - If your partner was bothered he would marry you.
Don't pay to change your surname when your partner cant be arsed to marry you or pay the fees.

I am pretty sure that I am feeling quite irritated that he keeps saying yes we will get married and then nothing is ever mentioned again unless I bring it up. Hurt, in fact.

Don'tcallmeCharlotte I think he was trying to put me off because I am a low earner at the moment while DS is too young for school. I'm pretty certain the only things I would have to pay to change are my passport, driving licence and perhaps my name on my car insurance.

As for double barrelling, we have names that don't sound great lumped together but I can try and see what DP thinks of that!

The more I think about it, the more I realise it's probably that I want to be seen as worth enough to marry, and clearly he doesn't see it either in the same way as me (possible) or that I am not of value enough (most likely.)

OP posts:

WhyAmISoCold · 08/12/2018 15:35

It would annoy me not to have the same name as my child. We are the ones that carry, give birth to, possibly feed and usually have the primary attachment so why the hell does dad's name become the default.

I'm married so it didn't affect me but as I've got older, I do wish I had kept my own name and gave the DCs mine. I don't like DH's and it gets pronounced wrong all the time. I floated the idea of keeping my own name when we were engaged and DH was horrified and said "but you have to take my name", being young and naive I went along with that. We can't double barrel either as if said together quickly they sound like a rude word.

I'd tell him you are either changing the babies name to yours or you are double barrelling. I wouldn't take his if he isn't prepared to marry you and why should he get to say baby can't have your name and he won't hear of him having yours. Ultimately if a relationship breaks down, it's much more likely the child will be with the mother most of the time anyway.

minipie · 08/12/2018 15:43

Is your DP named on the birth certificate? If not then you can change DS’s name without his permission, and in your shoes that’s what I’d do.

Don’t change your name to DP’s - why shackle yourself to someone who won’t commit to you.

Original poster

TwllBach · 08/12/2018 15:47

Ultimately if a relationship breaks down, it's much more likely the child will be with the mother most of the time anyway. this. Although DP has made it abundantly clear that he would chase 50/50 custody if we split up.

He is named on the BC... and as for taking DP's name, I don't really see it as doing that anymore because it is DS' name. I see it as sharing DS' name if that makes sense.

OP posts:

BuffaloCauliflower · 08/12/2018 15:52

Why doesn’t he want to get married? I’d be insisting on that rather than changing your name by deed poll.

Original poster

TwllBach · 08/12/2018 15:55

Buffalo he was a bit of a stereotypical bachelor when I met him. He was 35 and had never been in a serious relationship and never lived with a girlfriend - all which should have been red flags, yes, but I was 27 and pretty naive. Then I got pregnant and we decided to try and give it a go seriously and it goes quite well most of the time, but I am conscious of the fact that I want marriage and more children and time waits for no woman's ovaries...

Part of it actually is that I don't think he thinks I'm worth marrying.

OP posts:

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