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If you had a few months to live...

40 replies

Titsywoo · 03/12/2018 19:09

What would your priorities be? And most importantly what would you feel you would want to do to put your affairs in order? Particularly if you have young children?

Asking as I need to help a friend who is overwhelmed and I'm not sure where to start.

Thank you Flowers

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 03/12/2018 19:12

Well, things like wills and funeral wishes, and then I'd probably think about making messages somehow for my children for when they are older, especially if they were young enough to perhaps not remember me fully.

Will the children have a surviving parent? Do they need guardians organised? I think I would worry about security in terms of paying the mortgage and bills.

Titsywoo · 03/12/2018 19:18

Things like where the children are going is being dealt with by other people but the will and funeral wishes is a good one thank you :)

I'm trying to work out what to do for the messages/memories for the children. I think my friend will need suggestions. Memory box? Birthday cards?

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 03/12/2018 19:22

A memory box is a good idea. Would the idea of video messages be something? I think that's what I would want to do, if it was feasible. I would definitely want to write them letters, possibly for significant birthdays and so on. I don't know about trying to do birthday cards for every year. Would that be too painful for the children? Or not? It might very much depend on the individuals. It might be too much to try and get done.

I think it's wonderful you are there to help your friend with this, btw. Thanks

Onesmallstepforaman · 03/12/2018 19:23

Iirc, you can buy a sort of blank book in which you can write the details of your life. My sister bought one for my dad, but he said" who's going to want to read about me?" He didn't fill much of it in. I wish I'd bought one for my wife, as I think it would be a huge, and lasting comfort to our daughter.

Eightmagpies · 03/12/2018 19:28

My DFil is at the end of his life with terminal cancer. He's put together a homemade video a bit like 'this is your life' for the family to remember him by. He's only late 50s

Zoflorabore · 03/12/2018 19:30

I've read on here before about people writing cards for their dc's significant birthdays i.e. 18/21 and I'm sure as an adult it would bring a lot of comfort as a young child wouldn't understand the same.
It's pretty petrifying so I'm sure your friend needs all of the help she can get. God bless herFlowers

Passmethecrisps · 03/12/2018 19:31

A memory box is a nice idea. Depending on the age of the kids, choosing things together could be a nice way of preparing. Winstons wish have some ideas on their website if I remember correctly.

Gather lots of photos of her with various family members. Take lots

Bobbiepin · 03/12/2018 19:32

Some sort of audio message. I can't tell you how much it would mean to hear my lost loved ones' voices again.

MamaLovesMango · 03/12/2018 19:39

I’d sort the funeral and will first and foremost.
Then I’d pack some clothes, put the kids in the car and go to all the places we ever wanted to go and do anything we wanted to do. Then when it becomes apparent the end is approaching, we’d come home with those memories and think about them whilst we say goodbye.

Bluewidow · 03/12/2018 19:40

They need to ficus on all the practical things- wills, money, power of atterney, arrangemts for any children, pets. Once that is done just see what the situation is and play it by ear. I say this as my husband was told 12 months and only got three he never had time to do any if these things and also his mindset was that he wouldn’t have done anywAy as he didn’t want to accept his fate- who would.

If there are young children involved and you feel it important that suggestions like memory boxes are important that perhaps you can do this for them. Ie how about writing a diary if everything that happens now so you can share with the children when older the god times, the difficult times and show them that their parent was brave. You could write all you memories of them down in cue cards “I remember when...” you could also ensure that lots of photos are taken.

MamaLovesMango · 03/12/2018 19:43

Sorry, I posted too soon.

Memory boxes are really popular. You can also have pillows and quilts made from items of clothing which is also a lovely idea.

Angelsus · 03/12/2018 19:48

Does your friend have life insurance? I’m asking as a lot of policies include terminal illness cover which pay out the full sum if you have less than 12 months to live, a lot of people aren’t aware of this but can be a great help to get affairs in order or to pay for some treats.

TheFogsGettingThicker · 03/12/2018 20:30

I definitely think video messages are a good idea. I have photographs (not many Sad) of my DDad, but I don't have any record of his voice.

He loved photography and had a cine camera when my parents first got married. (A long time ago!) Most of the footage he made, so he's not in it. There was only one short scene where my mum took the camera, so I have seen a short snippet of him waving. It is heart-breaking, frankly.

So I would do some messages for the dc, and cards for their significant birthdays.

Flowers for your friend. So so sad

halfwitpicker · 03/12/2018 20:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GlassHeart1 · 03/12/2018 20:38

Ask her to record some meaningful poetry or a story for them, something inspiring.

TalithaWallis · 03/12/2018 20:42

I miss my mum's handwriting and would have loved something like this
Dear Mum, from you to me Tree design (Journals of a Lifetime) https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1907048006/ref=cmswwrcppapi_euzbCbK56D5YB

Ooplesandbanoonoos · 03/12/2018 20:58

Maybe card for dc wedding day and birth of first child and special birthdays/graduation.
If she can't manage a lot of things I would say focus on a letter for each child talking about her special memories with them, how she felt when born/pregnant, what she likes most/ finds special about them etc. Sounds weird but trying to keep it positive e.g. I know you are kind/ clever child who will do well etc and you have lota of people (names of specific family members etc) who will help you when you feel sad and have questions but also to enjoy happy times with you.This will give the child permission to have mixed emotions, keep relationships with others and feel ok about the future.

Ethelswith · 03/12/2018 21:07

I really wish I'd got a recording of my DDad's voice - probably reading a favourite bedtime story.

As well as sorting the practical/legal/password side of things, think about what the Scandewegians rather ghoulishly call 'death cleaning' - what stuff should go now to minimise the burden. But don't delete the person completely before they die.

See the people one who matter as much as possible, go to places that matter for as long as possible. And if the condition becomes painful, get the heaviest duty painkillers as soon as possible. There's no reason to hold back at this point.

similarminimer · 03/12/2018 21:07

Winstons Wish can help with this

Titsywoo · 03/12/2018 22:05

Thank you all for your suggestions and I'm sorry for the losses many of you have had to go through. I will suggest some of these ideas to my friend but obviously I will make sure I'm led by them.

OP posts:
BikeRunSki · 03/12/2018 22:09

DS’s best friends mum died last year - her dc were 8 and 11. She died in the autumn, but had already bought and wrapped Christmas presents, and booked a holiday for half term. She didn’t make it to the holiday, but told her DH that he was to go anyway.

LaLaLamp · 03/12/2018 22:18

I recently bought a book called Accidental Memoirs which is a guide to writing your life story. Also when recently in Italy, I saw a pack of 'letters to my son/daughter/grandchild - which actually made me cry - some of them had suggestions for when they should be opened. They looked English/American made.

Millie2013 · 04/12/2018 06:25

I work with lots of terminally ill people, I’d be writing an advance care plan, I keep meaning to do one anyhow.

BlackeyedGruesome · 04/12/2018 07:33

social media accounts. you don't want to lose access to face book and photos etc.

Suzyloo · 04/12/2018 10:09

I agree that the "tech" side of things is also important, and something that people often don't think about. I went through this last year with my father and stepmother after my Dad was diagnosed with advanced lung cancer. Here are my suggestions:

Email account(s) - my Dad and stepmother were logged in to his email account on his laptop and both their phones. As a result, neither could remember the password as they were always logged in. But that account was their joint email address, in effect, so it was vital not to lose access to it, which might happen if someone tried to log in from a new device (like a new phone). We agreed a new password, changed it and then wrote it down. Also consider the backup access for the account if the password is forgotten - his sent a message to his phone, so we changed that to my stepmother's phone number.

Other important log-ins that family will need - write them down. I know it's not best practice, but needs must. Get an indexed notebook and write down usernames/passwords to key sites in it, so that they are all together.

Security - turn off retina scans/fingerprints etc on gadgets and go back to passwords. I work with someone whose husband did all the tech and finances in their household and he died suddenly. His laptop, containing all of that information, could only be unlocked with a retina scan so she couldn't access it. No doubt there's a way if you're a super-techie, but that's not what the family needs after a bereavement.

Paperless accounts - go back to paper for utility accounts to be on the safe side, particularly if the account is linked to the email address. (This is also important if you live alone, because if you die suddenly and relatives cannot access your email or computer, they will have no idea who your phone company/electricity provider/broadband etc is and won't be able to notify them/cancel the services when necessary. Some utility companies offer savings if you go paperless, and some just change you over regardless (thanks EDF) but it's worth changing back for peace of mind).

Subscriptions - cancel anything that's going to automatically renew. The renewal will fail if the bank account has been closed and then there will be hassle.

My main tip is not to wait. "Months" are not necessarily months. My Dad died five weeks after he was diagnosed. However, he knew by that time that everything was in good order (we also had meetings with his lawyer and financial adviser to double-check that his will was OK and that he had signed any financial paperwork necessary) and my stepmother would not have to worry about any of this stuff.