If you had a few months to live...

[Titsywoo]

What would your priorities be? And most importantly what would you feel you would want to do to put your affairs in order? Particularly if you have young children?

Asking as I need to help a friend who is overwhelmed and I'm not sure where to start.

Thank you

This threads so useful.
my ex is dying, H has stage 4 cancer. he is mid 40's and has a child with me (27) and a toddler (2) with his wife.
Im going to visit him at xmas because I don't believe he will be around for too much longer.

He has been texting me saying "I don't want to die" Its heartbreaking for him. I think I will suggest Winstons Wish. His dd may not even remember him if he dies next year.

I am thankful that we can still have long chats on the phone and talk about life in general.

Im also very worried about how my grown up son will cope.

Sorry if i've derailed your thread Op.

Not at all ihatethecold - sorry to hear you are having to go through something similar.

Thanks everyone the ideas are very helpful. It's hard to know how to approach it all without bulldozing when a person needs emotional support more than anything.

I think to be lead by your friend is a good thing. Some people want to write cards and fill memory boxes, some people just want to get out there and use every moment to make memories. Both is okay.

Lots of good ideas for emotional stuff.

But I agree the practical stuff needs to be in order. I've got lots of various accounts/insurance things from different jobs that it'd be quite complicated for anyone to negociate their way though (so I've started writing it out just in case but it takes ages)

Thank you Titsywoo

Finish the quilt for my niece and sort out the photos.

My friend sorted through all her clothes etc. Gave keepsakes to friends after letting the DC choose what they wanted.

Had a special trip of choice with each child.

If the person just needs emotional support right now then just give her that. Yes stuff needs to be sorted but you know what if it’s not it can be done afterwards. Don’t let her get weighed down my doing all this stuff. Continue to let her make new memories for her and her children.

I'd sort out all my stuff so there wa snothing for my love dones to clear up after me - so a massive declutter. A will. Funeral arrangements. Then I'd write DC each a mini book about life - our lives together, memories etc and some htings that I'd want them to know for the future.

I'd sort my Will out to include my DC, sort an enduring power of attorney and plan my funeral, discuss my care plan with DH. Video messages and letters for my DC then just spend as much time with them as possible including day trips and mini breaks if I was strong enough.

I've just been through this with DM so it's very fresh.

Recipes. Weird I know but I always think of people as I make "their" recipe
Who/what everything is with - insurance, bank accounts, bills, pensions etc etc
Photos, videos
Favourite songs list or films
Letters
Something tangible if that's the word so Blanket/cushion maybe made from favourite clothes, miniature perfume

For the children - could she record herself reading their favourite book? Or would that be too altogether too sad/painful?

I think, if it was me, I'd want photos of myself with my children - together and individually - and photos of myself with my husband.

I'd just want assurances really, that people would look after my family after I'd gone. That they would share their memories of me with my children.

An ‘advice’ book

I have written DD advice on absolutely everything I can think of. Things like ‘Look at Moneysavingexpert for where to shop on insurance policies’ and ‘when someone tells you who they are, believe them’.

Birthday, Easter & Christmas cards written and good to go.

Debts cleared as much as possible.

Passwords accessible in the safe.

Phone numbers of everyone in my life.

I'd probably do all the practical stuff in order to avoid thinking about the sad emotional stuff.
I'd sort out the bank accounts, insurance, contracts and that sort of thing.
I'd do an end of life laundry to spare my family sifting through my rubbish.
I'd write a lost of songs I want played at my funeral.
I'd call my in laws cunts to their faces.
I'd buy my dd birthday and Christmas presents to last until she was 21. Charms for her bracelet and that sort of thing.
I'd label anything I loved such as 'This ring belonged to my aunty Mabel and I love it because....'
I'd hand over my jewellery to my sister as otherwise MIL would get her grabby little hands on it which is what she did to poor dsd on her aunties death.

First and foremost, do not take control away from your friend with any of this, however well meaning. Dying is the ultimate loss of control over everything, so being able to still have control of small things becomes incredibly important. Even if it's just what you want for lunch, for example.

If they want support or ideas, I'd add, on the emotional side...

Memory boxes, if possible created together, but also if the children are young (or anyway) leave a letter explaining why those objects were important and special and the memories attached.

Include items about her life before the children and the person she was so they can feel a connection and a way of knowing her. Leave behind stories.

A photo album of her favourite photos of them, her, them and her, them all together, etc. Include notes if possible explaining why she picked them.

A letter can be comforting. If she wants to write a letter, it's worth bearing in mind things can happen rapidly so hard as it is it may be better to do sooner and be able to hand write it or risk running out of time to write it at all or having to dictate it to someone.

Cards or letters for significant milestones...

If there's a particular poem or something that holds a comforting message that could be passed on once they get older. You can get little books of a single illustrated poem for instance.

I'd second doing one trip/activity of choice for each child.

It's exhausting enough emotionally to handle this, let alone what's going on physically... The kind of frenzied must-do-everything activities that make the media aren't really the common story.

There are some things we can't fix, but we can be there. Just be wary of trying to "fix" this by launching off into lots of practical things or trying to take over and do things without being asked... Please, please prioritise ensuring they keep control of everything.

There will be a lot of small things they will be losing control of right now, most of which you'll probably never see or know, so although I know you mean well please just be conscious that stepping in and taking away the remaining little things they're trying to hold onto could have a devastating impact. Offer, support, but don't take over or make decisions.

And take care of yourself.