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Original poster

Please please help

72 replies

Sosounhappy · 03/12/2018 01:16

I have a 16 year old daughter who is self harming. She hates me I can't even eat at the same table as her at meal times. She swears at me and constantly is rude. DH blames me for her self harming and gives into her tantrums. I just want to walk away and never go home again. I hate my life. I dream of my own quiet warm house

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sprouts21 · 03/12/2018 04:21

I initially wondered if this was my thread from a few years ago. This used to be my life. You have my absolute sympathy.

Your husband is abusive and is enabling your dd. This is a pre estrangement scenario, he is supporting and rewarding her abuse of you. I stuck around too long but eventually divorced. My dd decided to go no contact with me because of that and the pair of them have labelled me with a personality disorder.

My advice, move out.

Happygolucky009 · 03/12/2018 04:45

You must change things and it will be better for you all. I would look to move out, write to your dd and tell her that you love her and she is welcome to visit, but put some space between you and stop enabling her by remaining with your partner. Your family is much like mine, except my mother refused to make the changes and ultimately my sister is still very difficult to be around and now my children are very much entrenched in this sorry saga. You have a duty to protect your ds who will no doubt be affected by his sisters behaviour.

MeVoila · 03/12/2018 06:13

youngminds.org.uk have a parents' helpline.
0808 802 5544

Original poster

Sosounhappy · 03/12/2018 07:02

So sorry sprouts hope in time you get your dd back

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Original poster

Sosounhappy · 03/12/2018 07:19

Will ring the helpline just feel so limited in how much I can help

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Penguinsetpandas · 03/12/2018 08:39

How is your husband? Is he abusive? Feel free to PM if you'ld like. Hope you find a solution.

Shinesweetfreedom · 03/12/2018 09:17

Where are you now unhappy

bexxboo · 03/12/2018 09:23

You need to let her hit rock bottom, and give some tough love. She will come to you eventually. I know you love her as she is your daughter but if it’s destroying you and your family don’t fucking tolerate it. Be mean, be angry, let her know your In charge.

sprouts21 · 03/12/2018 10:56

I think you should ring women's aid and start putting your own self first.

I believe this scenario isn't unusual and isn't really recognised. It's not socially acceptable for men to abuse or assault their wives any more so some men employ and enable a child to do it on their behalf. He is abusing both you and her.No wonder he won't "let" you tell the school about it.

Meanwhile he is good and you are bad and you are deemed responsible for your daughters problems and your poor relationship. Women with abusive partners lose twice, they often lose their marriage and their children and they continue to be abused by these children long after they have left their partners.

I think the kindest thing you can do for your daughter is to demonstrate clearly that you will not be abused and remove yourself from the home.

Original poster

Sosounhappy · 03/12/2018 14:07

He is refusing to pick them up from school he is to busy and if I don't pick them up then they won't get home

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BMW6 · 03/12/2018 14:24

Well the DD is old enough at 16 to get home alone surely? Does she have a key? How old is DS?

SexNotJenga · 03/12/2018 14:34

You don't need your dh to go to family therapy. Family therapists often work with just part of a unit. You may find that if you stay going that he decides to come along too. But it is likely to still be helpful even if he doesn't.

It's obvious you need/deserve some support for yourself. It may be that your GP is the way to go, or possibly your daughter's psychologist could make an appropriate referral.

You might want to look at Early Help. They can assist with behaviour in the home and help liaise between home, school and MH services.

Your dd has no right to assault you. It must also be frightening for your ds if he is ever in the house when she becomes violent. If you are fearful for your safety then you can - and should - call the police.

Re-treating your posts, I wonder to what extent your dd is aping her father's behaviour towards you.

Shriek · 03/12/2018 14:39

I know your DD doesn't seem to want to do anything but hurt you, but she darent do that to her abusive f, and he's the one hurting her. She will feel extremely conflicted about her situation and wants and needs you to put boundaries in to make her feel safe.

In the same home as him you can't possibly do this, and shouldn't try as you make things more dangerous for you all.

If you have already decided to leave, speak to WA, ask them to help you with steps to do this safely for all of you.

Do not go behind his back or confront him until you can do this safely. You are already to blame for everything, and like you said, it won't stop, he might promise but nothing changes, and it is only at times of you leaving that hea even prepared to acknowledge that he's a problem but he really is the issue.

He should be keen to see his DC get the help they desperately need hes an appalling f, and when you leave take them with you. She will suffer further if you leave her there.

It's not that you're not a good mother, its that he will not allow you to mother, but you can once you are out.

Better still will it be possible to get him out with an occupation order?

Also to Penguin

Original poster

Sosounhappy · 03/12/2018 15:32

He won't leave dd won't leave with me I need to go and restart my life

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sprouts21 · 03/12/2018 17:03

Why can't she get the bus?

Shriek · 03/12/2018 17:45

Then go as soon as you can, but mmake sure they know and you know you'll always be their DM, and you'll always be there for them,but not to be abused.

You will get help, speak to wa

Penguinsetpandas · 03/12/2018 18:19

Thanks Shriek Acting like she's my best friend today. Weird but grateful.

Think its worth trying leaving but explaining you love them but can't cope with the violence / insults. Hope you're OK.

Shriek · 03/12/2018 18:47

Get yourself out sosounhappy the rest can follow, but once you're out, report to school and ss what has been going on, you will get help from WA, and you can go to refuge if you have nowhere else to go.

Original poster

Sosounhappy · 03/12/2018 20:37

Going to stay with a friend tonight very tired. Thanks for chatting last night

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Shriek · 03/12/2018 20:56

Oh bless you, I hope you have a good rest and break from it.

Will you make further plans?

Penguinsetpandas · 03/12/2018 21:09

That sounds like a good idea. Maybe chat things through with her but mainly get some sleep.

Original poster

Sosounhappy · 03/12/2018 21:50

Thank you hope things improve for you now penguin

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