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Original poster

Please please help

72 replies

Sosounhappy · 03/12/2018 01:16

I have a 16 year old daughter who is self harming. She hates me I can't even eat at the same table as her at meal times. She swears at me and constantly is rude. DH blames me for her self harming and gives into her tantrums. I just want to walk away and never go home again. I hate my life. I dream of my own quiet warm house

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Original poster
Sosounhappy · 03/12/2018 03:03

I feel like I am deserting her but also can not help her whilst dh continues to do what he is in his arrogant way tells me is best. The though of my own safe place to go to every night is so sso attractive. No more being bullied by those to no more being a skivy

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Original poster
Sosounhappy · 03/12/2018 03:05

I was always going to leave when they reached 18 not before to save a bitter childcare battle but you know what he can keep her and pander to her every wish rather than saying yes and then forcing me to do it by constantly moaning

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Penguinsetpandas · 03/12/2018 03:05

It's the same here, things improve for a few days then it reverts. He's really doing her no favours as she's gone from being perfect student at school to getting in trouble a bit, nothing major but definitely deteriorating and grades going down. Ours started when we moved to new area, not sure if its new friends though she's responsible for her own actions.

Original poster
Sosounhappy · 03/12/2018 03:06

How old is yours penguin

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GreenTulips · 03/12/2018 03:07

Sound alike your DH enjoys the quote life and takes the path of least resistance and isn't open to suggestions on helpful parenting

You are right she will lash out at you and when your DH has spent a week or two doing her bidding and decides enough is enough he will get the brunt of it

You need to leave to make this happen

Original poster
Sosounhappy · 03/12/2018 03:08

Dd said today she is still a child and should be allowed to follow what dhe wants. She is 16

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endofthelinefinally · 03/12/2018 03:09

In your shoes I would speak to the school first. Ensure both your son's and dd's teachers are fully informed.
Ask for counselling for ds. He is being damaged by this.
Then leave to anywhere you possibly can. Tell ds that you are making plans to get him out of the situation.
I was the child in his shoes. I wish my mother had left and taken me with her. Your ds doesn't deserve to be collateral damage.
Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. Currently you are enabling your H to cover up and prolong the situation.
Seeing a psychologist once a week is woefully inadequate for your dd's problems.

Original poster
Sosounhappy · 03/12/2018 03:09

I think you are right when they stop moaning about me and blaming me one of them will have to be accountable when she doesn't get brilliant gcse grades dh will turn

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Original poster
Sosounhappy · 03/12/2018 03:12

I agree I actually think she needs to be in a physchiatric unit. I think she is totally of the rails but dh won't admit that he wants her to do medicine as a career do is trying to avoid any record of this

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Penguinsetpandas · 03/12/2018 03:12

Mine is 13 😭 so 5 more years to go. DS is 11 and ASD but so much easier than her. I saw a thread on here today saying would you send your DD to US for a month, that would be perfect. 😳 She has suggested buying her a punchbag so she doesn't use me, she maybe getting one for Xmas.

Original poster
Sosounhappy · 03/12/2018 03:14

I honestly think she is very damaged but I can not help her and have to accept that.

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Original poster
Sosounhappy · 03/12/2018 03:16

That's what I feel like and look like a punch bag with bruises up my arm. I think I will rent locally go 6 months of ds comes in that time great if not I will move away so I have fa mile support to deal with loading my children

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Original poster
Sosounhappy · 03/12/2018 03:16

Loosing not loading

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endofthelinefinally · 03/12/2018 03:17

Your DH is being ridiculous.
He is making everything worse.
But he will only see that once you are not there to be the scapegoat.

Original poster
Sosounhappy · 03/12/2018 03:21

I think I will be the scapegoat for a long time but hey-ho won't be there to be moaned at or hear it

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1forAll74 · 03/12/2018 03:26

I am just reading your post very late night Sosounhappy,,its so very sad and worrying . I was just wondering how your daughter was, say,a few years ago, before this kind of behaviour started.Was she reasonably happy some years ago.or can you pinpoint a time that may has altered her behaviour?

I am not an expert on child behaviour at all, although have two grown up offspring,, but hope that you can have some saving grace in your life forthwith.

endofthelinefinally · 03/12/2018 03:27

Please go and see your gp. Photograph the bruises.
Get all of this documented in your medical record.
This is so important as evidence in future, particularly to get proper help for both your dc.
I can't stress enough how important it is to ensure your ds can get counselling and support.

Original poster
Sosounhappy · 03/12/2018 03:33

I have so screwed up. She was happy a couple if years ago and the the asking for more and more started she is never happy and constantly wants more. Ds needs to come his saving grace is he has a group of very close friends who are lovely and support him. He is changing though dh swears constantly they are turning into him

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Penguinsetpandas · 03/12/2018 03:35

I wonder if its worth looking at anti depressants if she's self harming and violent. My DH is totally opposed to any meds and I am reluctant but its hard with so little help out there. I can understand you wanting to go and leave them to it, you have to look after yourself. The school could probably get you a family support worker but not sure if that would just add more stress.

endofthelinefinally · 03/12/2018 03:39

Why do you say you have screwed up?
It sounds to me that you have done and are doing your best.
Your dd is ill and your h is undermining all your efforts to help her.
You have to preserve your own health.
Your dd needs psychiatric treatment and support.
Your dh needs to stop his deluded and enabling behaviour and your ds needs a chance to get out of this toxic environment.

Penguinsetpandas · 03/12/2018 03:42

No signs of autism are there? Fairly certain mine isn't but suspect both DH and DS are, takes forever to get a diagnosis though.

Original poster
Sosounhappy · 03/12/2018 04:02

I think dh is narcistic dd is obviously struggling and has mental health problems which he is not helping. The only way I can see going back would be if she was admitted to a unit or social services were involved as I can no longer cope and he won't

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Original poster
Sosounhappy · 03/12/2018 04:03

I know it sounds selfish but I want a fresh life and accept for now I have lost my children. Dd I expect for ever

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cordeliavorkosigan · 03/12/2018 04:03

This sounds like a terrible situation.
Could you write your dd a letter explaining it all and saying you love her and will always love her and have tried everything to get her help and support but that you just can't do it in these circumstances? she may come to you sooner or later! And your DS might come with you, he might be able to understand the true situation especially if the school is supportive. just some thoughts. i hope you are OK.

Original poster
Sosounhappy · 03/12/2018 04:06

I have tried talking to her. She sticks her nose in the air calls me stupid and tells me I know nothing about her. Ds is easily bought by his father. I think if he has a peaceful home closer to his friends in time he would come

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